and I can't be dragging myself there in a state of depressed sleep deprivation. If I get depressed and especially if I sleep twice, when I wake up the second time I feel really lousy. I don't know why that is. Usually when I'm down I sleep for hours and hours, at least 12 hours a day, sometimes a lot longer. If I go a day without sleep I can do 19 hours or longer. The Patronizers at the clinic liked to blame opiates for this. How come it was happening when I worked, a good 6 years before I was addicted to heroin? They never listened. They're actually more obsessed with drugs than most junkies. In fact I have a theory that some of the staff who work in such places are mere junkies by proxy. They want to be around the stuff. The outrageousness and despair. But they're too scared to commit to the needle (or the foil, if you insist). I kind of understand this. But the only thing that kept me taking heroin was what heroin did for me. Nothing to do with being with any group of people. I noticed heroin addicts seemed a lot more open-minded than ordinary folk. Far more accepting of people for who they were with all their faults. The nightclub crowd coudln't tolerate negativity; it killed their buzz. Their negativity happened when the party was over and they were washed up alone in a meaningless world of comedown that magically restored itself by Thursday night. So by Friday or Saturday they were ready to blitz their brains yet again on MDMA. Though I've raved about MDMA, it was, in the end, just a very seductive lie. People who aren't nice except on E just aren't nice people. They might dearly desire to be nice and use that annoying word "fluffy" which to me always meant lacking in substance and many of them appeared to have a complete personality change on E. Suddenly becoming caring, outgoing, considerate and full of time for others. In real life they were sour, grouchy and very sad. The worst cases I met on the club scene were actually more messed up than the heroin addicts. Perhaps heroin was soothing those addicts' ills in a way that Ecstasy cannot. Ecstasy opens up; heroin closes down. Is there any meaning in chemical meaninglessnes? Or are they just two opposing lies?EIGHTH WONDER: I'M NOT SCARED
Patsy Kensit apparently used to go to Shoom club in a gym in south London. Shoom was the first Acid House party in the UK. She wanted to be "the biggest star in the world". Then she married Liam Gallagher from Oasis and turned down a part in Friends. Now she's in Holby City...
Illustrated: modern-looking ecstasy pills. The "love dove" bird is totally different from the doves I remember in the early 90s, that sat more upright and were stamped deeper. And they were really beautiful ...
MADONNA TRACKS: The following are the best tracks from their respective albums. And neither one was ever released as a single!
MADONNA: THIEF OF HEARTS (Erotica album)
MADONNA: SKIN (Ray of Light album)
OMGod Gled!! The absolute hell you are going through is truly criminal. Don't they have suboxone or vivitrol in the U.K.? you know, it could be as simple as you are having an allergic reaction to something innocuous in the methadone, what they mix it up into anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou would think that there are enough opiate agonists out there that they could find you something other than methadone. have you taken an allergy screen for it? I would think that might be a good idea?
As far as the bi-polar and borderline personality etc, sometimes, well, I think that there are just some people in the world who don't fall into what society thinks are acceptable lines. So, they try to label them and categorise them and, well, it just doesn't make sense. Then, when the medication they prescribe doesn't do anything, do they admit they were wrong? NO...they just say well then, we will try THIS one and see what happens.
They have no clue what it is doing to the person.
The oldest, Pint, went through that, God love her. She is ADHD. But they thought she was bi-polar. AT the end of it, I could have gladly KILLED her prescriber. I didnt' let it go on too long, believe me!
She has manic periods too. very few depressive ones, mostly manic. It is simply because HER brain works in overdrive, and other people's don't. She thinks seven or eight things simultaneously. So do I actually. I thought everyone did that. I didn't know until I was in my 30's that it wasn't considered normal. Wow, was I surprised. But thank God that I had the same issue, or I can only imagine what they would have done to her! Oh, BTW, her mother is like that too. She said heroin made her feel normal. Only think of one or two things at a time.
The ADHD med controls it somewhat. Like I told her, you have the opportunity to be MUCH more productive than regular people. Embrace that! So what if you only sleep 4 hours a night, look how much more you can get accomplished.
Why is being different so socially unacceptable?
I'm glad you like your psychiatrist, but maybe it's time for him/her to think outside the box and find out what is really the issue?
Hope I didn't ramble on too much.
morning
ReplyDeletei can defo relate 2 the 'E' friends. yuk all those "happy" people. it did make me dance and take more (in case that last one dint wrk) and dance some more, but still managed to remain pretty cynical where people were concerned!
thanks 4 reply yesterday, it wasn't u that stirred up old shit, it was me (my guilt) one of the biggest reasons i still use.
that really is catch 22.
agree with fractalmom re; people who dont fit in, labelling them and prescribing until they do fit in. (dont think its an allergy 2 meth) but the rest sounds likely. whatever they want to call it, or pin it on. is it not more about how u can cope with it or whether u want to "treat" it.
gota tell u this "rajjy reggy" is most definitely a lunatic. since he killed Jack at the last full moon there has been no more than the odd squabble, until last night (full moon) when the squeals from Laddio were enough to wake me. He was seriously gonna throttle him.i had to empty a toy box and make him a refuge for the night, so now there r 4 houses! Poor old Reggie, wen he wakes up to find laddio gone, he'll be checking his hands for blood again, with that "O shit what have I done?" look on his face.Anyway gotta go hamper girl is on the want (whats new?)
Take it Easy ;-)
x
@Dan.Eliot.
ReplyDeleteMy son in law is a single dad. I NEVER NEVER NEVER forgot that LOL. He is a wonderful person, especially considering that he is the child's EX stepfather and moved 5,000 miles to be closer to her and to give her a stable home and be there for her. They go grocery shopping together, cook together, do homework together each night, he takes her to the shooting range, walks in the park, they clean house together, they are inseparable! He has to leave for work at the unGodly hour of 5 a.m. and so brings her to our house (grandparents) the night before and she sleeps here, gets up with her cousins and I get them all off to school. Then, he is here when she gets off the bus @2:30 and they go home.
Single dads? LOVE THEM
I hear you with the NA thing. It's full of idiots. They've exchanged gear for platitudes and they're still wastes of space, addicted to a load of crap to make them feel ok.
ReplyDeleteIt ain't always the drugs, some people are just losers.
Good luck with your Nut appointment - I really hope something works for you, and soon.
I don't understand why NA is full of idiots as John wrote. It has people who have gotten out of living for drugs and who are living a life of their choice without drugs. Yes, it may have some nuts in it, but look at the successes instead of the negatives. I would think that any life would be better than that of an addict.
ReplyDelete