I HAVE SWITCHED OVER MY FAVOURITE FOOD from Chinese to Pakistani. I'm on chicken saag masala and pilau rice tonight and chicken tikka pilau now. Like I say I sept a long time in th night. I don't know why except that it's supposed to be wrong to do such a thing. So I'm hiding indoors. Michael Jackson is singing to me off a siver disc.I know I shouldn't talk about suicidal ideation when I have it. I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't care whether I irritate anyone. If yoou want me to xxxx you I'll do that for you. I have a wound up feeling so I really should xxxxxx xxxxxxx. I know it's offensive to say that but I should. I can't believe I have to sensor mysef but I do I have to have to xxxx mysef. That's how I feel. Have to xxxx xxxxxx.
Yes I am not happy. I am deeply unhappy so I have ot be proactive not reactive. That means taking action preemptigvely not beinga pussy and caving in or doing what someone else wants.
I know a blog is supposed to be full of bullshit to make people read it but I don't know what bullshit to put in it. There are no bullshit and my hamsters are dead. I still have their bodeis there in Mother Hubbs's garden but I can dig them up for you/O rea;;u ;ole Omdoam fppd tjat#s wjat O a eatomg tpdau/
[I'm sorry: no glasses and poor concentration let that through; it wasn't deliberate whackiness. My fingers were on the wrong home keys it means I reaally like Indian food that's what I am eating today]
Whatever else that's just bullshit.
SORRY i'VE LOST MY GLASSES BC I WAS MENTALLY ILL HENCE THE GOBBLEDYGOOK IN THE LAST SENTENCE ITS NOT DEIBERATE YOU CAN WORK IT OUT BY TAPPING OUT THE SAME WITH FINGERS ONE KEY ALONG ...
You should bullshit if you want your blog to be entertainment and gain a lot of followers who wish to be entertained. If you blog to connect to people or to let them know what its like to be you then be honest and do whatever you choose. If people get upset or offended then they should read some other blog. I think you are being brave and transparent when you admit to wanting to kill yourself. I personally feel the same way sometimes. I don't think you really do want to kill yourself but definitely want your life to change as it isn't much fun. At least, that's how I really feel when I want to end it and since I don't see you performing other imminent suicidal behaviours, I don't sense you mean to do it right now anyway. You are venting. You are objecting to what your life is at this time. It's hard. And unfair. And you want help but the help out there doesn't satisfy your needs. It's insufficient cookie cutter help that doesn't look at the big picture or real problems. Yet you are fortunate to be in a country that offers any help at all, lacking though it is. Bear with them because they are only human and, believe it or not, all of them have problems too and are trying to find the answers.
ReplyDeletei know how u feel,thoughts of suicide play out in my head too but i wud never ever hurt my family by actually doing it.it feels really bad at the moment,do you suppose the planets or the moon or cosmic forces play a part?i guess you are past caring.
ReplyDeleteyou are very good at saying the right thing to other people,empathy and kindness,tea and sympathy.i personally would love some decent gear right now but ain't none about. i used to look at people and wonder how they could be happy or bothered when i was detoxing..things were really bad and anxiety ruled.its come back today,only i can't afford to indulge it so i took valium to stave off the insanity.
it helped a bit,love annie x
SORRY THE LAST BIT OF MY POST WAS ME TOUCHTYPING WITHOUT GLASSES IT WASN'T ME DELIBERATELY BEING STUPID! THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE IT, I KNOW!!
ReplyDeleteJEANNIE: YOU are right about not really wanting to die it's "ideation" rather than actions, definitely. But I find it really hard to deal with online as I know it upsets people. I don't mind so much "offending" people but I don't want to genuinely upset anybody I try really hard not to do that.
Thanks so much for your message it makes perfect sense you put it reallly well.
ANNIE: I took Valium too. It's better than taking heroin. It only becomes a huge problem if you take it daily esp. in high doses for years. I want to learn to cope without EVER taking drugs of any kind but I think it's going to be a long haul.
Someone once tod me that suicidal feelings can be symtoic. E.g. I cant cope without drugs so I'll kill myself. Sadly some people do do it literally so you have to take it seriously. I hate the whole issue of suicide I know it is heavy shit. I know 2 people who died last year through suicide and the mess it left behind. I wasn't ultra close but close enough to see the mess. Nasty. Hey we're both still alive and where there's life, as they say there IS STILL HOPE. Take it easy ;-)
You are not stupid. I was telling a friend the other day that you are very bright. Have a good day Gleds.
ReplyDeleteBeen reading for ages, and just felt the time was right to say something. I used to feel so useless that I didn't care if I died, but would not take my own life cos it would hurt my kids. So I just kept putting one foot in front of the other every day, and I took control of one small thing every day like I took up walking, now I walk for miles every day. That's one small example, over two years I have finally taken control of my life, but it was only in small steps and my biggest change was being brutally honest with people instead of trying to tell them what they wanted to hear. So keep being honest, take small steps every day and you will eventually end up with the life you want, but it takes TIME! Thanks for your openness, your blog is like a window into your soul and that takes me away from my own thoughts for a short time every day. From NZFriend
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