MY NUMBER ONE FAN accosted me in Iceland this morning, asking what I was looking for. I said "not pizza; it makes me feel sick" and he ushered me up the isles to the Pakistani takeaway I ordinarily buy.My head was banging with classical tunes: TOM TOM POM DIDDLY OM POM POM! And I was in a dearly good hyper mood pinging up and down.
Two cups of black coffee were to blam. So I'm drinking it in even MORE moderation from henceforth on!Later on some friends were meant to be back with some gear but it took them six and a half hours to sort this. They had ongoing health troubles of their own. So I forgave them. I was in a very good mood when finally they pulled up outside my house and dished up a £20 baggie of heroin wrapped in a £10 note! (The money was owed from times past...)
The action of waiting on heroin all afternoon had wound me up into a nasty irritable, anxious mood. Anxiety! Beyond the pale! That's why I took Valium and it helped. Then I realized my head really has been racing. And I'm in irritable, expansive moods, and no longer a depressed one!
It's way better than depression so I'm barely complaining about my woes. They've mostly gone now. What I need back is my fully elevated mood!
No, Anna Grace, I don't actually desire to go crazy. I wrote my words in a fit of despair, believing psychosis and happiness were inexorably intertwined and I'd no choice but o accept one without the other. All my life, I've never been happy. Never truly happy. Never serene. I've been high from a thousand causes. But happy and high aren't the same thing at all ...Eventually X and Y returned; I had some heroin and it's calmed me down a bit. I had some drink and it did almost nothing. What is pink nothingdust? See my mind keeps racing into irrelevant corners. Over and over it goes again..(!)
I hope y'all are OK. I'll cut y'al off and leave it all there. Take care everybody. NO DEPRESSION FOR TWO DAYS NOW. WHOOPEEEEEE!!!
Here's my half-asleep mind-wondering version from earlier. Reproduced here purely for your entertainment value!!
I had what appeared to be twelve hours' wondrous sleep last night and woke up feeling wonderfully NORMAL. Not depressed any longer! I ran into the sea and recognized... nothing. I keep thinking of nuclear things. Like the nuclei keeping me safe. Sorry my mind is running off in all directions.
This morning I had a wonderful section. If I did a bit of shopping in Iceland. 2 black coffees were enough to set me off into racing elevated mood with me pinging up and down the isles. Classical music was coarsing through my head POM POM POM TIDDLY-OM POM POM!! Variety.
I told myself "you better be careful, security will be on your arse". Sure enough...
Little Trotter Donkey and Little Trotter Horse are in a good mood also. Clopping around their furry fields. Cantering and neighing and saying "hello! Hello!!"
Little Trotter Donkey!
Little Trotter Horse!!
RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE
j'adore!!
I never ment to imply it was bad to go crazy. I'd rather be crazy and out of mind than stuck in this reality. Genuis and maddness a very thin line.
ReplyDeleteAs for my mean commenters I've decided I'd rather be hated for who I really am, than to be liked for what I am not.
And yes, I've been at my computer almost all day. God for the past three days its been my only entertainment.
I'm glad you see what I mean. I thought my madness was my coping mechanism. This is a shitty world we live in, I think people who go psychotic are out of this world because they have found a better world to be in, or a worse world, or a different world. But it's not this world, because they can't cope with this world.
ReplyDeletePlease coment again under my "normal mood" post. I put another question there for you in block caps....
Having said all I said about madness, I'd still far rather be happy in this world than confused in another world of madness's making. It sometimes feels like there's no real option anyhow. I never chose to be mentally ill or mad. If you could choose, then all good psychiatrists would go mad for one day, in order to see what life was like for their patients. At least I'm sure mine would...!!
Just stopping by to say hello. I am enjoying some serenity and relaxing. How can you tell what your moods really are with heroin, Valium, booze, etc.? I would not be able to sort out a thing.
ReplyDeleteI was a bit hyper and inconveniently anxious before the heroin and the valium. My system was heroin-clear before this afternoon; I'd gone 4 days without. I had some alcohol while I was anxious but it did nothing to clear it. Then with the Valium, which I took over an hour before the heroin, I was able to see that my thoughts were still racing a bit and that even though my mood was normal I still had "symptoms" that I just have to get used to. The heroin makes me a bit sleepy but I can tell the tangential thought I was getting was not heroin related; I've been on heroin for 10 years and it never made my mind race; it was still racing on heroin. The racing thoughts are just bipolar symptoms; they eventually just go away. They're a good sign really as they tend to mean the depressive episode is over with ;-)
ReplyDeleteBad boy. I go away for three weeks and you're using again. Very bad. Good to see your moods are improving tho and documenting them is a good thing. Keep up the support network . . and stop the herion. Very bad. Very disappointed. Naughty, very naughty.
ReplyDeleteI know I only use because of the dysphoria I experience without it.
ReplyDeleteOf course force of habit is involved too, but I can quite easily cirumvent that. Knowing I'm going to feel a hell of a lot better all day on even a tiny dose of heroin makes it extremely temptng to use.
Problem is it doesnt deal with what I know my dr would call "disordered thoughts" which I'm getting again, about a month clear of risperidone. Which I only stopped taking as I thought it was keeping me in bipolar depression and I wanted a touch of "elevated mood" back. Ukh, how sad I know :-(