I READ BACK OVER WHAT I POSTED EARLIER. I know what I post tends to include contradictionas. I notice them when I read it back. I'm always stuck between a rock and a hard place; not knowing whether to tell the truth and sound childish and solipsistic. Or to lie and be less dull. Or to lie and be funny. I'm not in the mood for comedy right now. And by lying I mean diversionary truth.I'm glad my head is not focused. If it were, I would feel more negative than I do. You see it's the act of writing that focuses me, giving a misleading impression that how I write is how I think.
I always thought that what the dr called an illness was actually more of a coping mechanism. A few years ago I wanted a big place in this world. I wanted to be like Oprah Winfrey. Someone who is seen to have achieved great things.
Perhaps I can't focus myself because I shouldn't focus myself. Something I learned from psychedelic drugs that when my reality and concencus reality failed to agree, I shouldn't make sudden moves or drastic changes that might have untoward effects in the concencus world. I'm usually aware when the two realities are out of sync. The world's idea of wellness is being at one with the world. But I prefer my own reality to the world's coldness.
So I don't know whether the world is hounding me to death, or whether my own expectations and those of the world merely disagree. In many parts of the world people are happy merely to eat. If only life could be that happy. "If a man shall not work neither shall he eat," says the Bible. And I don't work.
If you've just tuned in and are wondering what I'm talking about, read the post below. I'm still not sure whether I should have posted it.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do.
Yes I do! My intention is to give up drugs of all kinds. I wish I could be washed clean of methadone too.
The best thing that happened today was that Tonkie Ears, the mouse, ran right up to me and then climbed into my shoe. He looked so cute peering into it. He vanished into it. Reappeared, then scuttled away. That was the best thing by far that happened yesterday.
I think this post as the last post are illuminating. They give something of yourself, and as a reader that is a privalege. You are a sensitive intelligent soul. I think that you are working this out, in your own time, it may take a little longer. I think by reading your history it does give me an insight into you that you have come a long way, face many difficulties, and that has shown great strength, great resolve.
ReplyDeleteYou may have a way to go as you see it but you have already come so far.
If I was to offer anything, I would say that I noticed that your drug use finds you in forms of crisis, as you point out. The alternative medicated state may be less so.
I've recently gone from 20 plus years of addiction to therapy and medication and my life is better for it. From what I hear that is not uncommon. I think you are right though, drugs and alcohol does the self medicating, it did for me.
Safe journey
Paul
I hope that you can be clean and sober I do believe that you will be better off. Many people cope and do well without drugs. Detox and rehab to get clean and then stay that way. You deserve a better life than what you are in right now.
ReplyDeleteI echo what Syd said. x
ReplyDeleteSpindrift: I feel more like an insensitive soul than a sensitive one but thanks for the comment
ReplyDeleteSyd: I have to do the detox very very gradually because every time I tried it in a rehab type setting I went off my head. Not psychotic, just all over the place. Nobody else in there seemed to be in anything like that state which pissed me off this "we're all in the same boat crap". I'd be willing to do it in a dual diagnosis place as long as I could be on no psychiatric drugs apart from sleeping pills. Then I might get a manic episode back.
Akelamalu: here is a polite smile :-)