I DIDN'T POST EARLIER because nothing was new and I don't feel well. I've scrapped two long posts because there was too much telling going on. I woke up at 4am going nuts and have since calmed down. The 1959 film starring Audrey Hepburn, Nun's Story, helped calm me. I was getting very manic, and yet still depressed. And paranoid to boot. I only went outside to clear my head out. I am getting free broadband from the library. My trainers have worn through at the soles, letting rain in. Now they smell like camping material that has been stored in a damp barn all winter. They need burning.I don't know where I am going or what is happening. I am not well. Hey but I'm well enough not to do crack. Somebody offered me crack yesterday and I got more of a buzz knowing I could watch it and smell it being smoked right in front of me and not still not want the shit.
My biggest disappointment is that it has taken me so long to truly realize that heroin, far from helping me in any way, has only ever been one gigantic con. I cannot think of one single example of anybody whose life has been improved by the use of street heroin. I think the gear has just made me sicker than I would have been, because it's become a crutch. So I'm weaker, more vulnerable and more impressionable on a psychic level and that's what psychosis is: psychic overdrive.
I can never know what I would or would not be doing now without the "helping hand" of heroin but I don't think my existence would be the mess it has become on gear, I just don't.
So there's some sanity for you. I've put the rest of what I wrote this morning in cold storage because it's just more mad ranting and I'm fed up of being that way. I cannot tell what is and is not relevant in that state so I just say everything and edit nothing. Hence the literary mess that is me in a full-flown "flight of ideas" (as the doctors call it).
I hope y'all are well!
To those of you on far-flung shores, trainers are sneakers ~ and mine look a bit like this...
HUMATE: LOVE SIMULATION (PAUL VAN DYK LOVE MIX)
DJ TIËSTO: SUBURBAN TRAIN
ASTRAL PROJECTION: AURORA BOREALIS
Having a good day here. Just stopping by to say Hello.
ReplyDeleteYou can't unmakle the past but without heroin or crack the future WILL be brighter.
ReplyDeleteGood post, you sound pretty together to me.
ReplyDeleteand those trainers need burning. :D
Gleds, don't they have like a store for poor people where they sell used shoes in good condition? Over here they are called Salvation Army and Goodwill stores.
ReplyDeletedint u find some shoes?
ReplyDeleteYou defo peaked with the full moon(hairciut/dye) I get this. I know when the moon is full without looking. as soon as I feel creative/hysterical/urge to chop off my hair/a sudden unexplained (and usually totally unjustified) crush??/desire to wear clothes,jewelery,shoes etc that I dont usually wear and other number of "symptons" then I know its close, feel the peak, and know exactly what is to follow. Even my kids know (and take the piss of course) Is that Devs mrs? like being a presenter type thing? Got 16 yr Stropster at home with tonsilitis. "Men" are so crap at being ILL. Hes sat there shouting "I hate being Ill", Ahhh Do you? thats weird, most people love IT! Gods sake, anyway sorry This is a comment box , not "come and moan about your own life" but it could make you feel slightly better that you're not me?? I know you would love the hammy's but "poorly" hormonal,16yr old, manic 4 yr old and bored 12 yr old on school hols . . . well need I say any more. I will use tonight,as I do every night but I can justify it (just like every one else :-) gotta go Stroppy Hungry NOW!!!
Take care,
With love
di
x
You still can be priest.You like live a quiet life like nun stories.
ReplyDeleteMa non can fall in love or get married with a nun.Never mind Anna.
Och aye i just tried to leave a really long reply on the neighbours' broadband but it never got through so I will try saving that for tomrorrow. In case it never goes through I just wanna say hi to everyone. Still in the same soggy footwear. Mood normal (wow). I wish I had a hamster though!
ReplyDeletethese are the answers i penned yesterday
ReplyDeleteSYD: hi! it's raining like burmese blues and porkshire terriers here but i'm ok and having a nice time piggybacking on the neighbours' internet connexion. when it lets me through which is about twice an hour with endless attempts in between as it's such a weak signal
JAMS: aye i cannot believe i was taken in for so long. specially by the heroin
LL: i'm way more together than i was! and i haven't touched any crap today. i was only using that crap i was using because i was down in the dumps now i'm no longer down NO NEED TO USE IT ha ha!
LOU: I'll have to have a look. The main charity shops like Oxfam turn away shoes on grounds of health but some of the others do accept shoes; at least used to... my feet are in such a state i'm scared of sullying up any new pair, know what i mean
BUGGERLUGZ: when exactly was the full moon? it peaked Thursday morning I think yes the early hours of Thursday; Thursday was a v long day. I managed to fone my folks in an ordinary mood by Thursday night because my mood tipped down as in from hyper down to normal on Thursday it feels like another lifetime from this one
yeah most people do love being ill inasmuch as it's an excuse to loll around in nightclothes during the day and watch lots of television. or if you're iller listen to radio 4. or if you're iller than that listen to nurses and bob aimlessly in an oceanic opiated sunrise... i'd rather be mentally ill than physically ill any day of the week, i hate being physically ill then again i don't like being crazed either so it's a bit of a fucker all round do you really think the moon has something to do with it? i've felt really out of it before when it wasn't full moon but that doesn't mean the moon isn't influencing someTHING at someTIMES
the school holidays sounds a nightmare; did you know that is why God made little people sleep longer than grownups just so the parents get some PEACE AND QUIET in the late evenings while their offspring sleep on; even teenagers seem to sleep longer than grownups
i used to sleep for ages in my 20s when i had a job i slept 13 hours a night; i remember going into cycles of sleeping 17 hours a night; when i slept 13 hours a night i had no time literally to do anything at all bar sleep and work and travel to and from work. nothing at all. the only time off was Saturday afternoon after I'd stopped working because I only worked 3 hours on Saturday but every hour God sent on every other day that's why I'm no good at working I think bosses should provide beds and bathrooms for employees so they can live on the job if I ran a company I would have a bedroom kitchen and bathroom in my office and my office would be enormous. I would never go home but live at work and work to live and never do anything bar work. Why not? I've been a lazy bastard long enough. My friend Pinky says I'm "too far gone" ever to be normal and have a job again I wonder if she is right? I used to think I should have been living on the street under this fascist government. The local council are so fascist they make me mentally ill.
Hey you have got the hamsters though. Furry swines!
ADRIANA: I do live a quiet life now. There's a place on a Scottish island where you can go on indefinite retreat, but you have to be Roman Catholic which I'm not so I just have to be a recluse here
JOE I haven't burnt the trainers yet but i promise to just as soon as me and atheletes foot cure (bicarb) etc come together!
ReplyDelete