I WANDER ABOUT feeling tired and lost. Like a bird with clipped wings, I should be soaring. Yet all I do is wander lost on the cruel earth.
I know my blog has descended to depths of ridiculous absurdity. I hope you all think I'm one of those who posts what I would have done if only I had the guts. That my blog is not a faithful account of deeds and misdeeds. EXAMPLE: me blaring out Barbra Streisand's Yentl and Chinese lessons first thing in the morning thinking I was following my true spirit, that everyone else was hopelessly uptight and sad for sleeping and not doing as I did. Why do I do these stupid things? Only the week before I had been musing on how calm I felt, how glad I was not to be bipolr anymore. How I enjoyed NOT being manic and on the drugs that were supposed to prevent this.
First sign of anything bar the pissiest weakest elevated mood and the antipsychotics went out the window, as did almost every other shred of common sense and I was ranting, roaring, raging, laughing, and wasting a hell of a lot of energy doing nothing. Thankfully the residual effet of the drugs would have been in me, preventing true mania from taking off. Which was why this attack was what I would have called "piss-weak mania" adding how much "I hate weak things" ~ meaning hypomania as opposed to mania with psychotic features, which is when you really feel wired to the national electricity grid. Fantastic!! And the chaos, like the mania, really is full-blown.
Oh what is wrong with me and why am I so STUPID. It's one thing to have "mental health problems"; quite Another to be STUPID. I wish I had a doctor, which I don't. I want quetiapine (Seroquel). Risperidone is making me excessively anxious and I cannot abide a drug that makes me need Valium on top. That is ridiculous. As for growing women's bressts, I meant what I said about making a fortune in prostitution on the back of them ~ that's exactly what I'd do if I grew tits. Gotta turn lemons to lemonade. Gotta cash in.
I'm sorry to Janice and everyone else I've offended with my suicide talk. Death is what I think of. Wouldn't you, if you were a great loser like me? I wish anonymous would actually shoot me dead not just talk about it. Being as Anonymous is all talk and life is crap I decline to be involved in such sordidness. I don't really want to commit suicide I just wnnt to die when I feel like that. Then I have all the benefits of being dead... I could possibly get off the self-"murder" aspect by claiming to be non-human. Which is quite possibly true. Anyway I'm going to try not to talk about suicide any more, for a month at least. It irritates me probably more than it irritates you. And I feel y'all are very irritated indeed by it.
What would you do if you were me? There's no answer to my problems and I feel I should never have been born. I feel like a post-Hiroshima baby who should have been aborted by nature, yet wasn't... Awful awful awful.
I'm not severely depressed by the way. According to Emil Kraepelin, author of Manic Depressive Insanity and Paranoia I have manic spells going as high as delirious mania (as high as you can go) but the reverse state is little more than morbid moodiness. Not true depression at all. Meaning there's nothing whatever wrong with me.
Videos 1: Coloring book 2: Life Story ~ "your life story began with somebody else" one of my exes once got totally the wrong impression when I wandered about singing this song. Guilty or what?! Hey that's the name of the album ha ha har. Illustrations: birds' clipped wings
Video 3: Hideaway from the "Guilty Too" album; written for Babys by Garry Gibb of the BeeGees.
We're all at least a little broken. I don't think you are stupid - I think your brokenness tells you lies - so you ditch the meds. I don't want to say that you can't help it - you just have to recognize those times when you are not acting rationally (I know that sounds impossible) and that, regardless of how you feel, you need to do what you are told. I'm pretty sure there's a part of your mind that can do that. Train yourself to listen to that. It might not work the first time - but you'll become more aware - build on that.
ReplyDeletethat's why i feel stupid because i always used to be sensible and at least make decisions that were rational even if they weren't right all the time
ReplyDeletei'm asking my dr (when i find a new dr again) to please CHANGE my antipsychotics because apart from giving me the chance to make a fortune in a house of ill repute they're making me ANXIOUS and the side-effects leaflets bear this out
if i can be on something that doesn't disagree and be perfectly in the habit of taking it i should be ok
should be!
i'm just glad the residual effects of the pills i'd taken before the "episode" probably prevented it going too bonkers... at least i think they did!
You are doing what seems to get you by. It is hard to get better and it takes being willing to do so. Just getting by is easier. Sorry, Gleds. I'm not meaning to sound negative. It is just that I wish you the best and hope for happier times for you.
ReplyDeleteI managed to stay stopped drinking despite craving it last night and today. Amazingly!
ReplyDeleteYou're doing alright, I heard somewhere that those people that talk about suicide rarely ever do the deed. It's those strong silent types you have to watch out for. At least while you are writing about it you are not actually acting on your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteIn the words of Freddie Mercury 'I don't want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.'I feel like that sometimes, but I always 'carry on, carry on'
My thoughts are with you from the other side of the world. Kiwigirl
Yeah it's true if I was just about to do it I wouln't tell a soul otherwise they'd only try and stop me. I'm still fed up of talking about it it's very boring. Poor Mouth said on his blog "it is better to keep one's mouth shut and risk looking a fool than to open it and remove all doubt" and I thoroughly agree. I have only made myself look too stupid for words by capturing flying rubbish pinging through my mind that should never have been capture at all! I'm going to have to find something else to talk about even in a stream of consiousness......
ReplyDeleteWell done on the drinking. I've found that my drinking has slowed right down recently. I'm still drinking a couple pints a day, but no more. Even when I don't really fancy a cider, I find I buy a can to have with my tea...
ReplyDelete