THERE WAS an abscess on my right foot. It was only about the size of a large coin but stood out hemispherical and purple and it hurt a lot. Especially putting shoes on. So I burnt off the end of my tomato-cutting knife, wiped it on my jumper then stuck the end right in, a good quarter of a centimetre and squeezed ~ oh and the bright red bloody pus that came out was gorgeous. Just when you thought it had all gone more huge globs oozed to freedom. Eventually I'd squeezed it so vigorously my abscess was flat. Unfortunately it's started filling up again, so I repeated the action yesterday and pus-water literally fountained at the ceiling. My two other abscesses are nearly healed.
I feel ill all the time in a run-down type of way that is probably called "depression". I've given up taking drugs every day as I can't afford it. I have £15 or £20 to last until the Monday after next, so I'm stocking up on baked beans and mini Hovis bread. I've also been feasting on sardine and mixed American salad sandwiches.
I don't know how to cure the depression. I wake every morning feeling like I want to pee and even when I do I still want to pee some more. So I get up and the uncomfortable feeling goes. Then I force myself in the shower. Many days I can only persuade myself to wash the bottom half. I get in there literally semi-clothed. But at least I've had half a shower. Then I wash my armpits in the sink. I know this is all terribly sad but when did I ever claim not to be a sad person?
I have a business idea that I reckon could really take off. Finally ~ my passport off benefits. But I will absolutely have to hire staff once this thing gets going. Purely because the running of the entire business will be down to me and I simply will not be allowed to be sick. Not even for one day. I worked out I will probably have to work 12-hour days in the beginning. But it's better than being on state benefits. If I don't get off benefits I will die on them. Probably by suicide. My single biggest regret in life is that my suicide attempts, which were serious, did not work. When I'm angry and down that's what I dwell on sometimes, because I had the drawer full of tricyclic antidepressants; I had the wherewithall to take them all. And I stopped at 70 pills. Pathetic. Truly pathetic. And when I woke up I felt more sick than I've ever felt in my life. Truly poisoned to my core.
Well I have to go. My foot is still hurting a bit. I'm looking forward to another session with the tomato knife. Maybe tomorrow during This Morning ~ as long as Holly and Phil are presenting.
Must go; hope you're all well. And HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Hey wasn't I stupid, thinking it was New Year's Eve when it was December 30? Just shows how much the ceremony means to me these days. I haven't been to a New Year's Eve party in a decade.
TAKE CARE EVERYONE.
WHY WE'RE BIPOLAR: NORMAL LIFE SUCKS
Thanks Buggerlugs THIS is real...
Hope you feel better soon. Perhaps a doctor is in order - maybe you have urinary tract infection or something.
ReplyDeleteI've watched a few of the bi-polar dude's videos - he's got a lot of very interesting stuff to say.
Maybe you should see a doctor Gleds instead of treating the abcess yourself, and you could have a water infection if you keep wanting to pee all the time. Get some help. x
ReplyDeleteI also think you should see a doctor instead of playing do it yourself surgeon !
ReplyDeleteLots of people suffer depression for the moment because of the lack of light which means a lack of Vitamine D ! I bought a luminositherapy lamp and sit besides it half an hour per day that helps. They have it in hospitals too, usually.
When you've finished poking and stabbing (Can't wait to see if it's Happy Holly and Phil) maybe get some "hot as u can stand" salted water on it. It'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteI really hope you can find a way to get this idea off the ground . . . It's exactly what you need. And I don't think you're sad only having half a shower . . These cold days with "the meth sweats/shivers" it would be easier not to bother at all.
One day you'll be glad you only took 70 pills. Take care. With love as always x
Well that's probably the most disgusting post I've read in a long time. Jesus man...stop sticking things into yourself, needles, knives. Whatever!
ReplyDeleteThe abscess is going down nicely it's gone itchy which is a good sign. Means it's healing. I think the wanting to pee is a sign of v slight withdrawal as I also just feel generally uncomfortable and ill ukh. Until I drink the methadone. Then I'm OK!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I deal with depression, addiction, codependency, fear, and now the miracle of recovery.
ReplyDeleteWe've been sober for the past 19 years and have mentored more than 1500 individuals through their recovery, though we have no desire to tell anyone how to go through their recovery, rather just supporting them as they go through it.
We would be happy to chat more with you via our blog.