We've all got bipolar

CATHERINE ZETA JONES has just been released from a Connecticut mental clinic suffering from type 2 bipolar disorder. Type 2 bipolar is the milder form of the illness where severe depression alternates with mild mania and there are no "psychotic features". The illness is said to have been broughton by the stress of her husband, Michael Douglas's throat cancer. Get well soon, Zeta!

Today, this afternoon, here just me ha ha hee hee

AKH i couldn't sleep last night!! up till well past 6. i slept from sometime around 7 till a couple of mins past 1pm. Carol McGiffin was on Loose Women. Loose Women is like that American tellyprog where Whoopi Goldberg comes on and talks, it's supposed to be like that but less substantial (unusually: transatlantic thihgs often go the opposite way round as y'all might have noticed). yeah i woke up with my head buzzing music words yeah yeah ha ha from the second i woke up this means i am hyper ane enjoying it. if the methadone chemist dare gives a "you're on crack look" I will yell I'M NOT SLEEPING I'M ON NOTHING. i actually forgot to go to bed last night. well not that i usually need to remember. within 24 minus however many hours i sleep, give or take 2 or 3 i'm out for the count. this time it took a good 26+ hours to go, i had pictures behind my eyes that were really cool, like when you're heavily stoned on cannabis or mildly stoned (in my case) (what does happen to other people? i've no idea really............) {not the ultra-bright imagery i mentioned before, more vivid hypnogogia the second eyes are closed in full consciousness}
yeah yeah what gotta go fucking chemist not in mood for that little escapade being judged YET AGAIN. all that could ice my present cake is the landlord if he really wants to be yelled at i'm in the mood to GO. do you know i have never actually lamped someone my entire life, apart from very childish behaviour in primary school. never actually got into a fight because in my ordinary state i would never rise to one. i think you're giving somebody one over you if you let them get to you. you shouldn't hang your feellings on someone else, ESPECIALLY in a relationship. listen to amy winehouse's lyrics. that girl has a lot of growing up to do, or did when she last put out some music.

i think that one's messed up a possible international career for good. she'll always have a career in britain because once you make it here and are able to connect to your audience you always will have a career. it's much easier to be a star here than the usa, just read a few biogs if you don't believe me. i used to love life stories of famous, or more to the point high-accomplishing people because i took inspiration from them. this was before the current trend for giant-print (ie hardly any content) written in 2-weeks, never even met a friend of the person just collated press clippings and got £20 grand or so for a book on somebody like KERRY CATONA. i of all people shouldn't label anybody else a train-wreck but i do look at her sometimes and think bloody hell WHAT is she doing? supposedly bipolar though i've never seen it. you wanna see bipolar, look at frank bruno on This Morning ~ really entertaining slightly inappropriate wording. it's his overall demeanour that's manic he was so funny. he always has been funny. frank bruno is a boxer. i once won £10 by betting tyson would knock him out in round 3. never made money on a dog. can do boxing and horses. horses i pick like a girl, by the name and the odds. if 3 horses in one race are at 3 to 1 there's little point putting money on a 6 to 1. i bet at about 6 to one when that's the 3rd or 4th horse down in level of odds. really even odds mean there's little point betting on another horse. i've won a few times on horses. dogs i do not understand. hamster betting i might be good at.

talking bipolar i just remembered the biggest load of cowshit i have ever seen. mike tyson and his ex wife robin something on tv with him obviously chemical-coshed and her ruling over him with the word "bipolar" as the stick to beat him. i'm not posting the youtube you go find it yourself if you want it, but that is bullshit when i see it.

what am i fucking talking about/?? well nothing doing so far except me swaying in the chair feeling nice nice way nicer than yesterday night i really felt awful bordering on desperate yesterday evening

drinking: i had 4 cans and i just deleted a load of expletives as i don't want to aleinate anybody by being my idiot self yes 4 cans is DOUBLE the day before big fucking wow

today so far, 1 can. o hang on was it 5 yesterday...? I don't think so i am pretty sure it was 4. mood yesterday bottomed out -3 for a good 6 hours rest of the time at night weirdly sistant mild euphoria mingled with urge to cry that's all i can say on that score i'm supposed to rate myself not by the plus minus scheme i invented but a more biorhythmic one where sleep, appetite, euphoria/dysphoria, mental energy, physical energy etc are rated separately that's because they don't always go up and down in sync hence the weirder symptoms when it stops being just a bit whacky and is mentally ill with a nasty sounding label. well i fried my brains on acid didn't i so what can i expect

anna grace WILL YOU POST SOMETHING ON YOUR BLOG. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW do it NOW SAY IT NOW DO IT NOW DO IT DO IT DO IT ANNA LISTEN TO ME OBEY ME DO AS I SAY

this isn't the clip i meant this is far more recent with holly willoghby presenting. she looks really good in a dress, like my ex did, turn sideways there's a hip-to-thigh shiny S. when i put on the dress it nearly burst at the shoulders and was empty where it looks sexy on her yeah bc i wear women's clothing so very frequently along with decleor fuckit i don't even know what the shit is called

going to see my friend, my old friend rebsie who i met, weirdly when on the pipe but not on the pipe end of last year we have in common a not bothering with gear despite her 35 year habit my 10 year habit and i love her, even though i fucked her off for about 5 years which isn't personal it's me drifting away or her drifting away if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my freinds friendship lasts for ever, friendship never ends.... i texted her an hour ago im going down there later on



Illustrated: Bruno/Tyson fight; Carol McGiffin (Rebsie my friend looks like and is like her sister); Kerry Katona; Holly Willoughby in a dress

Online NA meetings UK: Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday 19:30 hrs local time. That is 2:30pm Eastern; 11:30am Pacific; 20:30 Central Europe; 06:30 Australia. If you're reading this long after it was posted bear in mind time differences alter in summer

Kipper Addiction

I HAVE JUST REALIZED I AM ADDICTED TO KIPPERS... haddock, mackerel... smoked fish of all kinds. this is terrible! What am I going to to?!

Like a clucking junkie this morning I trawled the supermarket in desperation along the chilled meats isles. Finally I found smoked mackerel with peppers all over it (coloured and black, yes you can even get chili-peppered mackerel these days)... my eye drifted along to haddock and then "kippers". There is no such fish swimming in the sea as a "kipper". It just means smoked herring. Tescos yesterday wanted £3 for 200g ie £15 a kg. Morrisons own were 78p for 200g ie £3.90 per kg or nearly a quarter of the price.

I took them home gleefully and indulged in my habit with toast, behind closed doors.

What am I going to tell Narcotics Anonymous? Hi I'm an addict and I'm addicted to heroin, crack (as was, gave that up January 1 2009), drink, the odd Valium and KIPPERS! Ukh. But they're so moreish....


NAOMI CAMPBELL was in a crimes against humanity court today. Hurrah! I thought. Finally the beautiful monster is getting nailed for her offences to fashion, music, novel-writing and film. But no, it was some silly case that she would inevitably answer no to, because no-one will admit in front of the taxman to a potentially multimillion pound gift, that the President of Liberia gave her a whacking great blood diamond.

She says no (quelle surprise!) But she did wake up in the middle of the night at the Presidential Villa in South Africa with two mysterious men standing over her (she didn't lock her door, what a tart!) who handed her a "bag of dirty stones".

Hmmm...

I bet she gets more in free gifts off her millionaire boyfriends than she ever earns on the catwalk or in front of a lens. I heard she only makes £2 million a year, which sounds fine and dandy till you realize her agency takes a whacking cut, then the tax man ~ 50%! ~ which can't leave more than about £700,000 a year. And how are you meant to live and buy a decent house on that!!

Those horrible "real housewives of New Jersey" were boasting of the value of their homes. Well one was. And I translated dollars to pounds and thought, hang on a minute one of my old houses was worth that.

Yes a standard £500,000 London home, housing the poor and destitute!

Illustrated: kippers, Naomi Campbell ~ mobile-phone lobbing queen of mean, Millennium Star diamond ~ 203-carat D-flawless!


Naomi Campbell talks cocaine addiction with Oprah Winfrey



Vauxhall Corsa: the new supermodel 1992 commercial
Naomi Campbell, Linda Evangelista, Christy Turlington et al... and a car

Wasted Talent

A TALENT was originally a weight of silver or gold and hence a sum of money. The word entered our language via the Parable of the Talents in the Bible. (Matthew 24:14-30; Luke 19:12-28.)

Spiritual interpretations aside a Talent is something valuable which it's up to us to use and not take for granted. Talented people have made the world a lot of what it is. Talent can change the world again.

Talent should never be wasted.

I was wondering why I felt increasingly uptight about what I saw as other people's "waste of talent". Michael Jackson who could sing so well hardly ever really showed off his voice. He was also a more than capable actor (see yesterday). But he never starred in a feature-film. MJ was said to have a thing about ET, and he knew Stephen Spielberg. Imagine what could have been achieved if Jacko and Spielberg had got together...

As we all know, Michael Jackson's career was all but ruined by child abuse allegations. He achieved more than any other musical star of his or any other generation. And yet...

He died in a drugged-out haze.

If you want to hear him singing a song named Morphine, click here.

Whitney Houston's voice was one of the wonders of the world. (Far better than Mariah Carey. Screaming an octave over top C is not a talent. That's like having extra long fingers or a third nipple. That ain't music, that's freakery.)

I'm more than amenable to middle of the road music, though it's not always my favourite. The only Whitney song I really like, from the first half of her career is the Dolly Parton cover I Will Always Love You. This morning (for some reason) I had Saving All My Love for You swirling round my head when I was buying Value Thin Bleach (20p) from Morrisons...

In the 1990s, having made her name and fortune, she went R&B and did put down a few tracks that are not only memorable but good. (One Moment in Time is memorable, but just did not do it for me.)

She was recently on tour in Europe. The press coverage was nearly all the same. The voice is gone.

The word is, she lost her voice to crack. Though she famously declared to Dianne Sawyer: "crack? We don't do that. Crack is cheap. I make two much money to ever do crack. Crack is whack."

A phrase that has come back to haunt her...

I could give legions of examples of hugely Talented people who made careers in average films, throw-away music... whatever, whatever.

This is not to mention the endless multitudes who can sing, act, create in various ways (I'm focusing on showbusiness because it's common ground. Y'all know what I'm talking about. "High" art I often find not only pretentious but irrelevant...)

I once lived in a house in a bourgeois suburb of London that wasn't posh but "happening". Television faces drank in the local pub. I passed actors and musicians in the street. At one point I sat opposite Annie Lennox on the top deck of the bus. A car once zoomed past with comic actress Maureen Lipman's head (for some reason) sticking out of the passenger seat window. I dunno who she was looking for. One time Phil Mitchell from EastEnders was at the bar. Certain friends kept ribbing me to go up and point out that Phil ("the hardman of Albert Square and a nasty drunk) was on the waggon. I didn't dare. I subsequently heard stories about this actor, more than once, waving £20 notes at the homeless and snatching them away... Mark Fowler (another EastEnders character ~ EastEnders is, or was, Britain's most popular TV programme, with top episodes attracting Royal Wedding-style 20,000,000 viewing figures)... Yeah Mark Fowler. He gave me £1.67 when I was begging outside Sainsbury's.

My point being that everyone in my house and many people in the area all around it, all wanted to make something of themselves. In a short space of time we had two actors, a singer, a yoga teacher, a maker of luxury furniture (it was just under £1000 a dining chair) and a trainee Alexander teacher were all in this house. I was the writer.

What makes me sad is that the singer, who I think did have beautiful warm, pure voice was a lush. She came in drunk most nights. She hung out with people one of the famous pirate radio stations. This was 1996, when the UK style of garage was all over pirate FM stations, soon to emerge overground. She could have been one of the UK's first "urban" artists. I handed her a Madonna biography hoping she might take inspiration and a few tips, because I could have told her more about the music business than she seemed to know. You need an experienced manager, being an obvious one. Madonna took Michael Jackson's old manager. The singer gave it back complaining Madonna was a tart and then mentioned she couldn't see her manager that morning. He was signing on the dole. Then I despaired. This girl hadn't a clue. She thought talent was a passport to automatic success, it is not. What's that phrase about 1% inspiration 99% perspiration..?

None of the people I knew from that time are now famous. Our actress got into a Spice Girls video. The Spice Girls were the phenomenon of the moment. A week later Oasis phoned wanting her to play violin (that is presumably mime) in a video...

So it was all exciting. But in the end not one of these people made a name for themselves. The person with the most drive had the least talent (a sad mismatch). The actor downstairs did get a speaking part in EastEnders though it was only one or possibly two episodes. As far as I know they all gave up and do normal jobs.

Which leaves me, feeling uptight about the paths other people took when they "could have done so much more"... what's the saying? One finger points forward, three point back?

I've lost an entire decade to heroin. The time before that was an odd-crossover period lasting maybe three years when I dabbled increasingly and at two points got myself tiny habits. But I knew what I was doing was not good. I had seen the utter despair of dead-end addicts. I knew the local beggars, "ticket touts" and homeless.

I was buying used one-day travelcards for £1-2. (I think they were £2 before 8pm or some set time; £1 thereafter.) Even the homeless lived by rules. These ticket touts congregated at tube stations. When a train emptied out it was "Finished with your travelcard?... Finished with your travelcard..?" Then people came in "Do you want a travelcard?...Want a travelcard?" You could go anywhere in London free on bus, train or tube until about 2am. A travelcard then cost £3.50, so to get one for a pound was a bargain. It meant I could go visiting in Hackney, Stepney and West Hampstead, where I sat round drinking red wine, eating middle-class Bulgar wheat veggie type food. I wasn't vegetarian but only knew how to cook veggie. I hated the thought of handling dead flesh...

... Anyway. It was through these ticket touts, who were all junkies, that I got introduced to heroin. I saw the life, I saw the misery. I wanted to try it to see what the fuss was all about (I had tried it once years before but took so many other drugs including acid that night, I had no idea what was doing what...) So I tried it, and still wondered what all the fuss was about. It certainly didn't seem worth going homeless for. And I couldn't understand why they didn't just stop doing it but they were like automatons. Get up, probably feeling a bit sick. Use. Feel OK. Go out. Beg. Score. Beg a bit more. Score again. Go to tube station for early evening rush hour. Sell travel cards. go down West End. Beg up huge amounts of money. Score from late night dealer, heroin and crack. Pipe late into the night. Knock self out with huge hit. Sleep till late morning. And so it starts again.

I was never into West End begging ~ around theatreland and the tourist spots. You got endless hassle from police. Some people begged inside the actual underground stations down there, but again you were liable to get arrested. I begged in the suburbs where you got less money, but hardly any hassle. And the dealers were all nearby.

Someone once pointed out to me that what had started out as a joke "I got drunk with the homeless" had turned into a reality. "I am homeless. Plus I'm a junkie." I did feel strangely accepted by these addicts ~ as I never really was by the shoplifting and prostitution contingent (they were a totally different crowd). Even in rehab shoplifters looked down on beggars. What's that saying now...

Rich man, poor man, beggarman ... THIEF!

Everyone I knew who begged did it for the same reason: they didn't want to steal. Or sell their body. (Though judging by the state of a lot of them, they'd have had a job doing that anyway...)

SO! All this happened. And now I'm here. And I still have some talent. And I got keranged round the head with three ideas in two days.

Because Talent is not to be taken for granted, not to be wasted. A waste of talent is a crying shame. So is a waste of a life.

I will not go on about what I'm doing or want to do because I've done that before and nothing happened. So I'm just doing it.

Gotta go, it's quarter past five in the morning and I need a drink...

My Love Is Your Love 1998 ~ already she's sounding hoarse...
Contains the line: if I'm homeless on the streets, and I'm sleeping in Grand Central station it's ok if you're sleeping with me....
Thank God that never became a reality.



"Crack is whack... to Dianne Sawyer"



To Oprah. The heavy drugs started after The Bodyguard (explains why she followed the biggest hit of her career with... nothing). "I was freebasing cocaine, but only with weed in a joint". Then she mentions heroin and cocaine speedballing. (I used to luuurve doing that. That's why it took me two years from deciding to give up crack to actually doing it 100%.)



Fascinating Link of the Day: Michael Jackson's Unreleased Material

Michael Jackson: dead genius

HE WAS SO TALENTED. Not just as a dancer, but as vocalist: his voice was amazing. If you compare some of the few recordings where he sings genuinely sweetly with his normal style, you hear how ANGRY he was... At what? Who knows.
One talent we don't ordinarily associate with Michael Jackson was his ability to act in a totally naturalistic manner.
Yes, perhaps he was playing versions of himself, but haven't legions of Hollywood actors, who neither dance nor sing, made long careers doing the same ..?
Apparently in his 20s, when he was still goodlooking, Michael wanted to make a career in the movies but was put off by his music management, who perhaps thought they would lose their cut to film agents.

Here's a complete Michael Jackson actor's filmography

1979: The Wiz 136 mins. All-black remake of The Wizard of Oz costarring Diana Ross. Michael plays the Scarecrow, but most of the time you can barely see him under a half-tonne of ridiculous makeup...
1983: Thriller 14 mins.
1986: Captain Eo ~ 17 mins. Originally shot in 3D and shown in Disney's theme parks in California, Florida, France and Japan to packed houses. It's now available online (you can watch it here). But don't expect much. The script is seriously dire.
1987: Bad. Scorsese-directed. Like Thriller the video falls into two parts. For the first 8 mins he plays a late-teenage student from a rundown neighbourhood in New York being taunted by Wesley Snipes about his "posh" school and for not being "bad" enough. Second part is an extended performance of the song, with acapella ending...
1988: Moonwalker 89 mins. Opens with "isn't Michael amazing!" retrospective, then Michael has to rescue three children from the evil Mr Big (who threatens to inject one with heroin ~ ironic, considering how MJ died). Includes songs Badder (parody of Bad), Speed Demon, Leave Me Alone, Smooth Criminal, Come Together. Was cinema-released in UK and Europe. Straight to video in USA.
1996/7: Ghosts 40 mins. Considering his squeaky-clean image MJ had a weird obsession with all things creepy. MJ plays a "weirdo" living alone in a creepy mansion and the town Major, who wants rid of him. He performs 3 songs: 2 Bad, Ghosts and Is It Scary
... and that's it. Such a shame he didn't do more...

Here's BAD. The part you haven't seen is probably part one. Now tell me Michael Jackson can't act!


FULL 16-MINUTE VERSION OF THE VIDEO
Directed by Martin Scorsese:

Part 1
Here's an 8-minute self-contained short film. No music (that's in part 2). Michael playing schoolkid named Darrel...



Part 2



Link: Michael Jackson List of Unreleased Material (fascinating...)

Famous German and Jewish American names and their meanings...

Calvin Klein, celebrated fashion designer. Klein means SMALL
Lucianne Goldberg, literary agent, famously embroiled in President Clinton's extramarital scandals in the 1990s. Goldberg means (surprise-surprise) GOLDEN MOUNTAIN
Dustin Hoffman, Academy Award winning actor. Hoffman means HOPE MAN
Jeff Katzenberg, film producer, studio-head, co-founder of Dreamworks SKG. Katzenberg means MOUNTAIN OF CATS
Helmut KOHL, German Chancellor 1982-1998. Kohl means CABBAGE
Judith Krantz, bestselling author of romantic sagas in the 1970s and 80s, married to film producer Steve Krantz. Krantz is an anglicized spelling of Kranz, which means GARLAND
Gerhard Schröder, German Chancellor 1998-2005. Schröder derives from a Middle-Low-German root meaning TAILOR
Stephen Spielberg, film director extraordinaire and founder of Dreamworks SKG studio. Spielberg means PLAY-MOUNTAIN
Cornelius Vanderbilt, American entrepreneur. Of Dutch origin, "Byltye" meant a little hatchet or bill, so the name translates: OF THE HATCHET
Elizabeth Wurzel, author of the original self-indulgent misery-memoir Prozac Nation. Wurtzel is an anglicized version (with added T) of the German word for ROOT

A big welcome to Sam, my 100th Follower!

Ashley-Cheryl Divorce

CHERYL COLE, Girls Aloud beauty and X-Factor judge is the talk of the nation this week because she is finally divorcing her deadbeat footballer husband, Ashley.

The newspapers know she is over him because she spent eight hours in a hotel room with her American dancer Derek Hough and his very cute yorkshire terrier. You can see the doggie by clicking here.

Today's Sun claims she is changing her name back to Cheryl Tweedy and compulsively removing every trace of her cheating sex-pest other half from their Surrey mansion. The newspaper claims she will not be pursuing him for a giant cut of his £14 million ($20 million) fortune, seeing as she has a few mill of her own.

For those of you reading this on Stateside shores feeling glad this tittle-tattle is of utter irrelevance to you ~ be warned! Simon Cowell is planning, so the newspapers claim, to set up Cheryl, who won her fame on a Popstars: The Rivals talent show as a judge on his new American X-Factor tellyprog. Which means that within the year her name might be resonating around the disinterested rafters of your brain, just like it does mine!

Big Brother Entertainment... and where are the neighbours?

I was looking for a picture of the Lynx Alaska "perfume" I've been wearing... only today did I realize IT is the reason I keep smelling FRANKINSENSE everywhere I go ~ it's on me!

But these trotterdonkey cats in the snow ~ real lynxes IN Alaska, look very cute.

It snowed YET AGAIN the other night. But was raining this morning. So I hope it doesn't freeze over again, else the streets will be fatal!



THIS year is the last ever Celebrity Big Brother, so the producers have pulled out all the stops to get some PROPER celebrities for a change (though on night one you can tell half are wondering who on earth the other half ARE!!!)







My favourites this year are Ivana Trump, who is far more down to earth than you'd expect and looks hilarious serving the other housemates dinner dressed in her minimum wage care worker costume and reading glasses... Stephanie Beacham (Dynasty, Seaquest DSV and innumerable others)... former footballing "hardman" Vinnie Jones pictured here famously tormenting Paul Gascgoine... and the American R&B star Sisqo who says "that lady is worth three-digit millions" and following Ivana like a lovesick puppy. All very entertaining.



VIDEO: Come and watch this ~ Ivana Trump dressed in pink and blue overalls as a carehome worker for Celebrity Big Brother... skivvying around serving other far lesser celebrities and former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, who seems to hate her... absolute classic!

This is absolute classic ~ seeing the multimillionaire socialite dressed in pink and blue overalls skivvying about serving other far lesser celebrities and former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, who seems to hate her, as a care home worker as part of a game on the reality show:



Classic televisual entertainment ~ from the peak of Stephanie Beacham's career:
IT IS... Stephanie Beacham vs Joan Collins in...
The Alexis-Sable CATFIGHT!!



Stephanie Beacham as canal-boat dwelling Martha dating "boring" Ken Barlow in dowdy British soap Coronation Street:





STOP PRESS!
SHHH!
I don't want to speak too soon, but my noisy neighbours have gone suspiciously QUIET... that can mean many things, but I hope it means just one... that they are NOT THERE ANY MORE!!

AND NEVER COMING BACK!

Yummy Petits Pains

SO I'm trying again ... meanwhile I'm having freshly baked hot bread (that I buy as a risen dough and bung in the oven) ... and lovely coffee ...

And that's about all I have to say today. Cheerio!

Here's Madonna claiming she would have done more for Michael Jackson ... if only ..(??!?) ... do you believe this..??

I mean, what COULD she or "we" have done ..?

Sorry about the spanische Untertitel ...

A Big Day Out

INSTEAD OF DOING THE USUAL thing I inevitably find myself doing on Monday morning, I got up late and ventured to Central London in a hunt for German magazines.

I got off the tube at St Pancras International, where you get the Eurostar train to Paris and Brussels. St Pancras is surely the most beautiful station building in London if not Britain:



I found Der Spiegel and Stern on a newsstand outside. The hubbub of French voices drew me into the hi-tech inner hall where screens displaying 13:28 Paris Nord set off a frisson of excitement and longing inside me. It's been such a long time since I travelled anywhere at all except just down the road...



The last time I saw a newsstand with a half-decent selection was near Baker Street tube. Baker Street of course being famous for Sherlock Holmes... Madame Tussuad's museum is right by the tube station so the place is thronging with tourists (unlike in this snap!)...



Madame Tussauds is next to the Planetarium:



I picked up a weekly Take-a-Break -style magazine called Freizeit Revue. It is an old woman's magazine but I bought it for the endless crossword puzzles sandwiched next to advertisements for piles ointments and surgical support stockings ...

Then I meandered down to Regents' Park which is a Royal Park and so extremely well manicured.



The houses overlooking the vast greens are pretty impressive too ...



... then it was nearly rush hour so I had to fly home before the trains were too crammed to breathe.

And there we are! My first day out in London-London in over a year!

*******

Have a look at the arrogant French woman in the bottom clip ~ this is absolute classic telly!!

THE LATE, GREAT KEITH FLOYD was one of the most classic TV cooks of all time. There was a retrospective on his life and work on TV last night and these were the best clips shown:

Here from his best series Floyd On France, is his attempt at a mushroom omelette ~ with "angry dragon lady" "simmering" behind ...



And here's the most classic clip of all. This wasn't a set-up ~ the French-Basque lady was for real! "FLOYD CAN'T COOK!"

Kerry Coke-Nose Dropped by Iceland

KERRY KATONA, the "Atomic Kitten Who Never Sang", ex-wife of Brian McFadden of Irish pop band Westlife, reality star, infamously ghostwritten "author" and columnist and star of Iceland (a frozen food shop, not the country!) TV commercials, was caught in the act snorting cocaine in her own home.

A hidden camera in her bathroom filmed the action. (Some friends she has...) The News of the World sunday newspaper broke the story and it was announced today in The Sun that Kerry has been dropped by Iceland, losing a £250,000 a year deal and her chief source of income.

This incident is only the latest in a string of woes. Last year she caused outrage when she seemingly appeared on the highly popular TV programme This Morning drunk as a skunk.

At the time she blamed the fiasco on her "bipolar meds".

She was diagnosed bipolar last year after spending time in the celebrity Priory clinic.

Not long after this, MTV-UK dropped her reality show after it pulled in only 19,000 viewers.

All this in the same year poor Kerry was victim of "home invasion" as robbers stormed in and robbed the "terrified star" of £10,000s of jewellery, cash and an expensive car.

As well as all this she is trying to bring up three young children in an on-off marriage to a gold-digging man who looks like a weasel who milked her so dry she was actually declared bankrupt in 2008, as the British tabloids gleefully reported.

Her husband Mark Croft is actually Kerry's childhood sweetheart ~ a fact the media like conveniently to ignore.

The bankruptcy was actually a technicality due to an unpaid tax bill and income that would cover it coming later (or whatever).

Whatever the world is coming to I do not know but here's the links and vids for those who wish to learn more:

LINKS:

KERRY KATONA biography, wikipedia.

Kerry Katona online (fansite).

MTV UK KK page

Atomic Kitten write-up (Wikipedia).

Atomic Kitten official site.

KK Goes Mad On Coke After 4-Day Booze Bender (News of the World newspaper)

KK's Coke Binge Caught On Camera (Perez Hilton)

Frozen Out: Kerry Dropped by Iceland chain (Sun newspaper)

Husband of Broke Kerry "has £450,000 in business account" (News of the World).

KK Robbery Latest (Now magazine).

~O man all this makes it look like I'm a fan and she winds the living **** out of me!!~

KERRY KATONA SNORTS COCAINE:



KERRY KATONA: DRUNK ON "THIS MORNING"

Cajun Chicken & A Real Ink Pen

I MISSED MORRISONS' special deal roast chicken legs yesterday lunchtime so I bought two raw drumsticks from the butchers by the MSG-chipshop (they have some secret recipe thing going on and I suspect MSG in the frying oil is surely it). These drumsticks were so enormous they looked like they'd come from a turkey. If not a swan. Anyway, rather than bang them in the oven 200C for 40 mins plain, I did a home-rapid-marinade consisting of Schwarz Cajun Seasoning in Value rapeseed oil Rapeseed's normally 10p a litre cheaper than sunflower or soya, is homegrown and lower in baddie-fats than either of the other two. Anyway I was quite liberal with the spicing and slavered on at least a flat teaspoonload on the two megalegs. These went in for the appointed time, after which I turned off the oven and let them cook inside as it cooled. Imagine my disappointment when, a full hour later, I knifed one open only to find a suspiciously pink interior. Unwilling to touch chicken that's even slightly underdone (and it would have been slightly undercooked if at all) I sliced the chicken off the bones, spread it out on the plate and oven-cooked for a further quarter hour.

This time, if anything, it was over done! But the cajun spicing and the skin came out amazingly crackly and gorgeous.

I will have to try this recipe again. for next time I have another lot of spices hardcore marinating in my cupboard (or should I slam it in the fridge?)

I was thinking of mixing this amazing cajun seasoning ~ which is quite similar to tikka masala, if you know that ~ in with flour to do home-made KFC. Can you do KFC in the oven? I don't really want to deep-fry because of the fire risk.

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Sorry about yesterday's post. I was so down and tired and empty nothing came to mind. bar what I'd seen on the previous night's Big Brother...

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I FOUND a fountain pen on the street outside a public toilet. A real live fountain pen! Yes: it was running around on its little legs, then stopped, peered up at me with sad eyes and implored, "Please help me find my owner. Pretty please!"

And it is quite pretty and girlie. Covered in rainbow stripes and stars. But it's made by Parker and they're the best (after the Swiss brand Lamy). Lamy nibs write as smoothly as if broken in 10 years ago ~ right from the day of purchase.

When I was younger (and pretentious enough) I wrote in real ink all the time. I was thinking, maybe I ought to take up that habit again. It might inspire me to pen a mighty work of Great Literature..(!)... (Or something)...

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AMY WINEHOUSE has been found not guilty of common assault after she gave a black eye to a "burlesque dancer" (stripper) who "shoved a camera" in her face without even asking...

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And how was your day?

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Illustrations: top ~ my chicken legs came out just like this. And I roasted them in a thing that looked exactly the same... Yellow pen by Lamy. Best fountain pens in the world. Amy Winehouse... looked far more sober than this at court today...

Round the Clock (+Poker Trotter Tubbester is Weary)

SUCH SEVERE EXHAUSTION yesterday I slept midday to five pm. Six pm to two am; three am to 8:30, all in all about 18 hours.

I was too exhausted to bother posting this on the day.

I think Maple Syrup, my druggieworker, think I have a disease. I told her I have been like this for years. Years before heroin. It was the fact that heroin played the perfect antidepressant and seemed to give such energy and confidence to my exhausted soul that got me so hooked on it to start with...

Spherical Poker* Trotter Tubbester Roborovski says hello. When she is not wearily snoozing in her nest, she is quite perky as well...

* I'm not sure how "Poker" got to be in her name; Spherical has never been into cardgames ever in her short little life...

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JUST AS I PREDICTED an exotic coctail of opioid narcotics and benzodiazepine hypnotics has been found in Michael Jackson's body. These included Dilaudid (hydromorphone), Vicodin (Oxycodone) ~ both powerful narcotic painkillers; fentanyl ~ said to be 50 times stronger than morphine ~ which is orindarily only giving to the terminally ill when morphine is no longer strong enough, methadone (given usually for opiate addiction as we know), Valium (diazepam) and Xanax (alprazolam), both benzodiazepine tranquillizers; Ambien (zolpidem) a new-style sleeping medication said to have fewer side-effects than traditional benzodiazepines... among others, according to several media reports.

The Sun newspaper even claimed that in the end he was begging doctors to knock him out for three days at a time on propofol (aka Dirpivan; click here for an informative write-up), an anaesthetic agent rarely used outside operating theatres and intensive care wards, a treatment he was initially given to relieve the pain (so the newspaper claims) of multiple skinpeel operations...

Michael "mummified by drugs" (People)

What with sister LaToya making claims that her brother was "murdered" by a greedy entourage in interviews for which she was paid by the notoriously cash-splash-happy British press (though none of this allegedly dodgy entourage, however, seems to have benefited in the slightest from his will) and anyone who knew him suddenly seeming to have a story to sell, just as I thought, the intrigue that surrounded the star all his adult life has only thickened after his death...

VIDEO OF THE DAY:

PET HORNET!

Yes this is real...



SPIDERS ON DRUGS

The world-famous comedy minidocu. This one's had over 5,000,000 hits on Youtube and no wonder ..!..



This one, incidentally is based on truth. Orb-web spiders (like our star) really were fed LSD in the 1950s. On low doses their webs became fantastically complexicated and beautiful. At higher doses the spiders' brains fried and they spun nothing more than a formless sticky blob ...

Should This Have Been Allowed?

AT YESTERDAY'S MICHAEL JACKSON MEMORIAL SERVICE, before an estimated world TV audience of 1,000,000,000 eleven year-old Paris Jackson gave a tearful tribute to the memory of a man who, biological relation or not, had been a father to her all her life...



PAUL MCCARTNEY AND MICHAEL JACKSON: SAY SAY SAY
I think this was one of the best videos MJ ever did... also starring La Toya Jackson + the late Linda McCartney...



YOU ARE NOT ALONE ~ FANMADE MICHAEL JACKSON MONTAGE



EARTH SONG
This tune keeps going round and round my head. One of MJ's masterpieces:

Foot Mushrooms!

ALL THIS "HEATWAVE" SWEATING has brought me out in the most terrible "athlete's" feet and prickly heat. That river of perspiration running down my back has sprouted all manner of fungal growths. I know what's happening because it happened before at my old house with radiators on full blast in high summer. The house where I lost my mind.

So I'm now covered in two types of antifungal emollients. One a "wash" the other a "creme" formulation.

These unguents are said to go on working for some time after application and hopefully will get zonked out straight away by this highly proactive nuking situation.

I also bought miracle "yukky foot smell in old boots and trainers begone" spray for about £5 ~ and amazingly it works!

If there's any other intimate medical details you'd like to know ~ just ask.

It's what that comments box is all about!!

PS: "foot mushrooms" ~ Fußpilz or Fusspilz ~ being the Germans' charmingly direct expression for "athlete's foot"..!

PPS: Can anyone name the "brand" of mushrooms illustrated?... If so, you might get a cash prize!

(And also might not)...

MICHAEL JACKSON: "MILK OF AMNESIA" FOUND AT STAR'S HOME

MICHAEL JACKSON was on some hardcore pharmaceuticals, the Sun newspaper reveals. The most recent allegation being that a bottle of Propofol, an "anaesthetic induction agent" (ie something you IV and it zonks you right out) was discovered in the late superstar's boudoir.

Media sources are claiming the singer regularly "begged" his nurses for this medication and that he was taking it just to sleep at night!

Propofol is classed as a nonbarbiturate hypnotic agent that should be used with extreme caution in conjunction with opioid analgesics. In other words, it is being alleged, the combination of this with everything else Jackson was alleged to be on, could well be what finished him off.

This medication should only ever be administered by a trained anaesthetist in an operating-theatre situation, physicians insist.

So what on earth was it doing in Michael Jackson's bedroom..?