THIS WAS ONE OF MY DARK DAYS, today. Just like the bad old days when I lived day to day close to rock bottom, laid out (metaphorically) on the street and bashing my head on the pavement. Knowing that living like this, I simply could not go on.
I'd taken my methadone in good time. And yet still, when I awoke, was shivering with chills. I felt ill all day. When my dealer called at 9.30 and I hit him for tick, I knew he wasn't coming though he kept claiming all through the day that he was just going to be another "hour". I drank more meth and went back to bed. Woke after midday still unwell.
This was a hopelessly bleak day. Even when I did make £10 and rang another dealer all I got was an earful of attitude. For a measly £10 (well it was a lot of money to me!) he wasn't going out of his way. I would have to go out of mine.
No buses were running except ones so hopelessly packed you'd imagine a call ahd gone out to evacuate this rotten town. I didn't have my Oyster (swipe) card on me. Walked home which took over an hour. Too exhausted almost to climb the stairs.
Did ride the bus which was furnace-hot from home to this garage he demanded I meet him at. When I got there and found a callbox (eventually) in working order the dealer was all thanks that I'd made the effort. (Strange creature.) Literally on putting down the receiver his runner cycled past. So I got sorted. A torturously packed bus appeared nearly straight away. Home and nearly tearful. Plugged gear into vein. And the whole charade was ended.
All I tell myself is: this cannot go on.
I can't live like this ANY MORE.
Hi everyone I have little time I will get back to everyone Monday.
ReplyDeletewell we're here, waiting. I have nothing but time at the moment so I'm not going anywhere. Hang in there...you're at that crossroads and I think you'll find your way soon. this just can't be all there is for you. XO
ReplyDeleteHi now you can look at my blog- it is in english. Your blog is very interesting, but I think you're have to much troubles.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to bed, it's late now. Good night than...
Ania
I think you're coming to the stage where you really need to make the decision to stop the drugs. I know it's easy for me to say and I know how difficult it will be for you. It's Mick's birthday today and when I think how hard he is clinging to life it hurts me to see someone like you with so much to offer throwing yours away. Is there any way I can help?; even if it's only over the net.
ReplyDelete{{HUGS}}
Rx
Why wasnt the methadone working.And where are you getting it from, a clinic? I'm confused. your dates sometimes seem like they come from the abstract or from memory or like you write down something that happened six months ago. but them there is an urgency so it'slike you wrote it today or want to think you did.
ReplyDeleteYou no at my siteso much no more.Miss you.
I hope you try getting on a methadone clinic.Im finally stabilizing out. It's not so bad, really.
For those of you who think she cna just"quit"those arent her options. Either clinics,bupremorphine, or a3 month inpatient program which costs tons. unless her insurance covers it. ANd even then.But with herlevel of intake there is no going back. I wish people would medically understand that. Maybe it's been done. By one out of a million junkies? I dont know.
ReplyDeleteGled, you're right, it can't go on like this... but it's only by your own choice that it goes on and it can only be by your own choice that it changes. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteI hope you find happiness whatever choice you make.
ReplyDeletegled....stumbled across this place and thought you might find it kind of interesting. Check it out when you get time.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and know that there are lots of people pulling for you...and we'll be here...
ReplyDeleteE
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