NOT A LOT NEW TO SCRIBE in the few minutes available today...
I freaked out a couple of days ago... my mind broke up, I heard weird voices and got extremely paranoid. People shouting out of flats windows, people wandering past glaring at me like they wanted to kill me...
Yesterday I saw a dead body reflected in the bathroom mirror. I was on the bed and the corpse standing behind the bathroom door. Should it open its eyes, as it appeared highly likely to do, it would be staring right into me...
Actually it was clothes, chucked over the back of the door, drying.
Apparently seeing faces in folds of clothes, wrimples of carrier bags etc or wherever is quite common in depression. I'm hoping my pills are finally at 3 weeks plus kicking in... Sleep has fled me. 2 or 3 hours seemingly and very little more at night and almost nothing by day...
I am feeling a bit antidepressed and far better than my great slough of despond from the weekend when I appeared to be in all-time pits.
(Even back then I WAS indeed better than I'd been in the week... what with those lost days and all that diarrhoea, sweating, horrible illness. Maybe stopping drink had triggered that. It's called "cross-habit"...
Sorry I must go. 3 mins left! All the best to everyone. Take care!
Gleds
xx
I would have certainly thought that giving up drinking may be the reason your depression and paranoia have hit an all time high.
ReplyDeleteI really, really do hope that you are able to find it within yourself to overcome these demons. I have been reading your blog on a daily basis for about 6 months now, there is a reason why I come here everyday. You seem to be insightful, intellegent, compassionate etc. You have to find a way to value yourself the way that others do.
I don't claim to know what you are going through or what brought you to this point. I have, however, had people in my life that have been brought down my excess. I have had people taken away from me that I have cared deeply about, and it made me furious at them for being so selfish. I have also had people that have battled and won. They have had to do some deep soul searching to be able to determine why it is that they continue to abuse themselves the way that they do. I hope that in your case you can gather the strength to be able to venture down that road to sobriety.
I think it is wonderful that you do have this online support system that knows but does not judge. There is a whole world out there that is sitting and waiting for you to join and engage. I hope this message finds you in better spirits. So keep it up and remember that we are all hear waiting for you on the other side.
Lates!
I wish you strength Gleds, keep trying won't you? xx
ReplyDeleteGood to see you picking up a bit Gleds and I couldn't agree with Eileen more. One drug at a time my friend, one drug at a time.
ReplyDeleteYou take care too Gleds, hope you feeling more antidepressed as the days go on, that would certainly be my wish for you...In my thoughts x Auds
ReplyDeleteThree weeks is about right for most maintenance meds to start becoming effective. I pray that they that the desired result.
ReplyDeleteGiving up drinking can create hallucinations Gledwood. Take it easy, one baby step at a time :)
ReplyDeleteYes, take it a minute at a time. Keep going forward, no matter what that means.
ReplyDeleteAt least you're smart enough to analyse your situation and not freak out. It must be quite terrible. I know I'd be seeing things if I had that little sleep and I'm not a drinker or into drugs.
ReplyDeleteEileen: I think you might be right about the drink. I hope I do make it to the other side. I have always been convinced I would never die from my addiction (unfortunately) but would eventually have no choice but to reach the bitter end and battle through to the "other side" (ie life straight) and upwards from there...
ReplyDeleteAkelamalu: I will!!
Baino: I am HOPING that with antidepressants I may eventually get enough of an improved perspective to be able to really "bother" about striving to be clean :: it just seemed impossible before :-<
Audrey: I am trying I'm far less depressed than a week ago or abouts; then it seemed to get to a real low!
Nick: I hope they really do work properly and no side effects that would be nice (for once)..(!!)
ReplyDeleteAnon: that's v true I totally 4got about that at the time...
TutTut: I will, thanks!
Nicole: o no i learned LONG AGO not to trust anything unusual I see or hear (partly it has to be said from tripping on acid etc!!) but that did teach me the valuable lesson NOT to make flash decisions or do anything major when I knew things were weird for whatever the reason