MY THIRD (AS PUBLISHED) BLOG MESSAGE of 9.6.8AS I yesterday intimated I had such big problems accessing my own comments on my own blog that I had basically to give up till today when I hopefully would feel more refreshed and restored.
I really do feel sorry for having put people through what must be an emotional mill to some. I don't "want" people to worry about me. If I could push a button to save even one from worrying about me then I'd press it right now and save lots of people I love lots of anxiety.
It helps me a lot to know that seemingly by far the great majority of my readers and certainly my friends all you commenters are perhaps paradoxically not addicts. Were that not the case then posts like yesterday's description of a near-overdose would be pushing close to the borders of so-called "drug porn"...
Knowing that most of you are non-users and have, for the most part, never been users of drugs I know that such a description is likely to provoke feelings of shock, concern, revulsion; feelings I, as a junkie, do not feel in connexion with my own experience, even when I'm in potential danger. A sane and straight person knows that anyone unconscious through drugs has a high risk of choking to death on their own vomit. As a smackhead, such a thought barely passes through my mind. I gamble with my life 365 days of the year and 366 on leap years because I do take an opiate or opiate-substitute every single day and you can even die on methadone. In fact TWICE as many deaths per annum are attributed to methadone as to heroin.
Were it not for you, my friends, I might never have been jolted back to this "reality check". Because of you, and because of the fact I know you love me but hate what I do; I'm forced to confront and analyse my own behaviour. So please don't fear any more.
It is 25 to 10 on Monday night 9th June and I've a crowd of junkies congregated beneath my open window chatting openly about their gear deals they've bought, how big they are and how well they "run" ie how good the heroin smokes. A neighbour down the road has just openly told them to "keep the noise down" ~ of course lots of young kids are in bed by this hour.
The Romanian loudmouth who seems worst of this whole vulgar lot just obnoxiously yelled, "why don't you have a pipe on this (crack) too?"
And the neighbour said he wished people would keep their problems to themselves. I felt like applauding.
The people downstairs don't realize I know they use heroin and crack. But the night I found a pre-injection swab lying on their front door mat told me for sure they weren't just a little loud and rough...
I read this poem in Black Poppy magazine this morning on the bus and nearly cried. It's by P Kelly and obviously written from a woman's viewpoint. I sympathize because heroin, too, is an abusive relationship. Your best friend is your destroyer...
I GOT FLOWERS TODAY
I got flowers today
It wasn't my birthday or any special day
We had our first argument last night
And he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me
I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today
It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day
Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me
It seemed like a nightmare
I couldn't believe it was real.
I woke up bruised and sore all over
I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today
And it wasn't Mothers Day or any other special day
Last night he beat me up again
And it was much worse than all the other times
If I leave him what will I do?
How will I take care of my kids?
What about money?
I'm afraid of him and scared to leave
But I know he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today
Today was a very special day
It was the day of my funeral
Last night he finally killed me
He beat me to death
If I had only gathered enough courage and strength to leave him,
I would not have gotten flowers... today
I hope you like the hammy picture it looks just like Baby Itchy. My hammies are all fine. They have loads of food in reserve and I had been feeding them pizza crust in addition...
VIDEO:
GABRIELLE CILMI; SWEET ABOUT ME
I know this is an old one but it's gone round and round this head of mine...
VIDEO II:
AMY WINEHOUSE; LOVE IS A LOSING GAME
If she doesn't clean her act up this video's going to become all to poignantly telling... the "legend" imagery shall become real and Amy a mere memory and a voice on discs...
VIDEO III:
AMY WINEHOUSE "RACISM" VID...
THIS WAS ALL OVER THE PAPERS THIS WEEK... Amy Winehouse expresses her supposed "racist" sentiments in song. + Amy stupefied ++ hubby Blake FC sounding off about drugs. See for yourself:
Hi Gleds *!* That poem is sadly powerful.
ReplyDeletePeople worry over you Gleds because we know addiction is an illness and you through your writing have shown what a fine line you walk each day.
I'd like that line to get wider for you. x Smiles *!*
I think the minute you leave a comment and have it answered you have made a connection and from that connection comes care for that person. Having friends worry is not a bad thing.
ReplyDeleteyou obviously realise that too.
The poem was heart breaking, really sad.
Hey possum. Glad you're back and in one piece. It was curiosity about your addiction that first attracted me to the blog and of course your Shepherds Pie recipe! But now it's hate for that same addiction that has us all concerned when you're not around. Strange how I can care so deeply about someone I've never met. I'm with Bimbimbie, try to widen the line . . .
ReplyDeleteIt's only "up" from here and with a wider line Gledwood! Very sad poem. We care because in a way you are reaching out to others (as we all are). We care because we have grown to love you as a friend who lives dangerously but has a lot to live for. Hhehee, more pizza crust for the hammies!
ReplyDeleteKeep going; it's all I can encourage you to do. You are a great writer, and look how we all gather round.
ReplyDeleteI get quite sad that most countries won't help addicts to live better lives. Your dab with the last batch just shows how little society cares.
ReplyDeleteOne of my best friends in Frankfurt has been using heroin for almost as long as we've been known each other, we went to school together and he has been to re-hab, he has gone through times where he was not recognisable as himself, stealing from people he loves, having to prostitute himself for the money to buy the next hit, finding himself in situations that would not be humanly acceptable until the city of Frankfurt did something great and started supplying long-time addicts with pure and clean heroin.
This has enabled my friend to keep an apartment for the last 15 years, to finish studying at university, to start working again, to be a normal and functioning member of society. He is currently studying again (business) and will graduate in about a year. He's highly intelligent and it's only a benefit for himself and everyone around him that the city of Frankfurt runs this program. I simply can't understand why other places won't do the same.
He reports to the clinic once a day, he gets clean and pure heroin of the same consistent grade, there are counsellors and doctors who are always available there and it's a safe place to administer the drug.
The only downside is that he can't leave the city or country because he checks in daily, but the benefits far outweigh this.
Just back from big ol Texas gleds and been catching up have only read your past 3 posts so far and all the comments on here and can only echo what everyone else is saying to you......You have grown to be someone very special, youve opened my eyes about addiction and given me a better understanding, but more youve shown a courage thats quite awesome in your openess and sharing............The poem was stark but very moving..Find your strength my friend, its in there, hang on to it.. love and respect XX Auds
ReplyDeleteP.S once Ive got over the jet lag I will post my favourite picture taken whilst on holiday, specially for you....perhaps as a reminder that sometimes life is like that, we need to just lay it all down for a while and simply rest...will let you know when its up. xxx Care well for yourself my friend with all the support of those who care about you.. xx Auds
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to get it together to start a new writing project, or rather a redirection of the old (memoirs) one. I decided I would far rather fictionalize life!!
ReplyDeleteIf they only gave out diamorphine to more addicts here I might benefit and not end up still spending every spare penny I have... the only slight gain over the years is I do actually spend on food now and not fish in bins/eat at friends' houses/soup kitchen...
Thanks for the comments everyone. Ho-hum. Onwards and upwards!!
I won't stop worrying about you. I wish I had a majic wand honey. xx
ReplyDeleteI used to have one. From a joke shop. But it got broken!!
ReplyDeleteI think, if I remember correctly, it was hollow inside with a "secret" kind of sprinkly hole for glitter!!!
ReplyDelete(I was doubtless younger than 10 at the time. It must be said...)
ReplyDelete