I WOKE UP FEELING NASTY IN THE NIGHT... I had heroin there so it wasn't a "no drugs sulk"... what I didn't have was alcohol, food, tea even and this did throw me in a tizzy. Yes of immature "I want I want I can't handle waiting five entire hours till the state pays me..." ilk. But also real suicidally-laced depression where I wonder how long I will last. If I do ever die, I know it will be 100% at my own hand. Otherwise I will be rescued and fly to heaven...I did write out a post in those mournful early hours but it was so confused. Every time I ran my fingers through my hair they crackled like electricity. My head was deepsea diving in subconscious zones I'd rather not see. I felt stoned on cannabis/hashish/puff/grass/weed/whatever you like to call it~ but I hate it. But I had not smoked.
This is a consequence of breaking the mind. Rubbish continually flows into the cracks and fissures formed... Not nice.
My life is out of control and I am living it. I repeatedly have the experience of linking now to 8, 10, 12, 14, 16 years back and I'm aghast: HOW DID I GET HERE??!?
Ultravox: Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
I wanted to post something "nuclear" for a while. The premise of this vid is actually bunkum for there was nuclear meltdown at Tschernobyl and no vast explosion. So more accurately this would be about nuclear WAR~ which is coming
Hey man,
ReplyDeleteSorry that you are having a rough time. I don't know if this will help but I have given you an award. Hope it brings some cheer.
thank you I'm trekking over chez vous now...
ReplyDeleteI hope things get better soon.
ReplyDeleteI don't know but it seems that getting clean might help. The roller coaster ride that you're on can't be good for the head. Take care.
ReplyDeleteCitizen: thank you~ I feel like the hoops in a Henry Moore~haha!
ReplyDeleteSyd: see it's a joyride with a 3yr old whimsmeister at the controls of my life and that's consequences to me: living out aftermath of a 3yr old's whims...
Oh, Gleds, sorry you're feeling so low. Cyber-cuddles from Simi and me xx
ReplyDeletethankyou I am trying to be OK I don't know why it always goes to my head like this. sore throats don't send ordinary people on melmothian mental wanderings ~ yet they do me! better luck tomorrow mehopes! ;->...
ReplyDeleteYeah, I have similar feelings towards weed. I don't know why I smoke it, I guess its just there and its always free for me.
ReplyDeleteI hope you get into a better mood soon.
= )
It's not so important to know how you did get there because what is done is done. Now you have to think about how you can get OUT of there ! and that certainly is not an easy task.
ReplyDeleteIf you can think about spring is coming and the parcs in London will be beautiful even without drugs !
Lucinda: I only ever got into it to get to more "interesting" substances... then I took it as a compromise that wasn't going to fry brains (or be expensive) as what I really wanted namely ecstasy, mushrooms type drugs (back in the day)
ReplyDeleteGattina: beautiful even without drugs~ something I got into forgetting even on the most wondrously summerfilled afternoons...
Hi, Gledwood. Thanks for the comment about Revolutionary Road over at huffing. I wonder how you found me.
ReplyDelete'Course I was surprised to come here and see what you are about. It isn't every day you find someone so open and honest about something our culture degrades. So thank you for that honesty. If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd have the courage to put it out there, and to hear people try to straighten me out. I think we all have a lot to learn about each other. So I appreciate this very much. But, even though I don't know you, I wish for your health.
Thank you. I found you hopping via a friend of a friend's blog then outwards one or two.
ReplyDeleteI suppose what I wanted to do here was make a statement hardly any other addict seems to feel able to make, either because they are so swept up in the thrall of their addiction or spend all their energy on the effort to keep it going, or they simply lack the desire or in some cases the basic powers of literacy to keep a blog like this going.
Thanks for the wishes. I'm currently recovering from a very common cold that seems to have knocked me sideways
;->...
Good. I hope you'll keep taking the days as they come and talking about it too.
ReplyDeletePesky cold virus, eh? I'm afraid it's colds and flus and bacteria that will do us in in the end.
Thanks you are right. I spose it's the bugs that finally break us down post-mortem...(!)
ReplyDeletenote to self: http://celticspirit-domesticgoddess.blogspot.com/
(where I got to on my epic cross-bloggiverse voyage...)
I can relate to the insane feeling that you are high - when you are sure you aren't. Sometimes i think my nerve endings are so used to it that they just get this kind of memory and sometimes they just think they feel high. I'll rub my face, squish the skin of face between both hands, trying to get a grip on the moment, but it doesn't always come.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what on earth it is. Not flashbacks in the standard sense I am sure. I am certain when I feel it "something" is happening ~ something that could be scanned, or would show up on a biochemical mapping machine thing... (if only we had them...)
ReplyDeleteWow! I've only had a brief peek around but it is a different world in here!
ReplyDeleteAre you sure it isn't winter doldrums getting you down?
ReplyDeleteSundays and Mondays are out for you better got straight to Tuesdays ...
ReplyDeleteUltravox ... good choice for memory lane wandering*!*
Oh gleds, I wish I had something wise to say but I don't. Just take care and lots of us out here care about you.
ReplyDeleteNewberry: aye you can say that again. I forget that for other people it is, you see I'm just too used to being me ;->...
ReplyDeleteJanice: probaby is the time of year, you're right
Bimbimbie: aye! do you like my new banana-flavour blog??
Liz: thanks Liz. But at least my blog tastes of bananas now! (rather than just GOING bananas~ harhar...)