I AM FED UP of being emotionally blackmailed and pushed into drugs group meetings I do not want to go to but attend mostly so it looks good on my record. The reasoning is the same as drug-dealers use: well what else would you be doing? A real disrespect for my own time. Today, my worker rang up pretending to be someone else. I know it was her as she ended with "don't let me down" ~ typical of the coercive language my worker uses when it was I who was supposed to be going for a shiatsu/massage thing, I who'd reap the supposed benefits, I who would only let myself down by nonattending. The appointment (already a missed appointment, which is why I had barely an hour's notice) will go free to a staff member if no "client" is there to pick it up. So it wasn't being wasted if I also failed to show. How come I have let myself get pushed into this? Maple Syrup (my druggie worker) acts like it's a crime when I don't go (and I haven't been so far). Other times I simply forgot, or couldn't get there on time. She has no respect for the fact that I'm doing other things today, tomorrow, every day. And I'm not telling her what. I don't have to justify myself. So anyway I pushed myself into this appointment thinking it was shiatsu. I really didn't want to go. Turned out it was some kind of massage. The last thing I wanted was somebody grabbing at me. They all think push push push your boundaries down, face fears; you always feel better. I have pushed pushed pushed before; against fear, despair, fatigue. And do you know what happened? I drove myself into a breakdown. I pushed so hard; and I felt so increasingly ill. Something had to give ~ and eventually it did.
So I'm not doing that again, especially when it's mindgames: her pretending to be someone else.
A big drawback to NA is the tradition of hugging thy neighbour at the end. Sometimes I've found this so difficult I've just left early to avoid it... It was the same today: I did not want anybody near me.
I turned up late in a bad mood. Went very reluctantly into the treatment room, then said "sorry I cannot do this" and ran out as fast as I could.
8 comments:
It's certainly going to appear like you aren't cooperating. Which probably isn't good. Likely, she thinks of you more as a misbehaving child than an adult. While you don't owe her a play by play accounting of your days, you should confide with her your discomfort and why you lack enthusiasm for the appointments. She is there to try and help you so she's just doing her job. If you appear to only resist her efforts rather than taking part in your own well being, she will lose interest and look to help you less and just go through the motions to fill her quota.
I get the feeling she is just trying to help and encourage you Gleds, though why she would pretend to be someone else I don't know. If you really don't want to go to the meetings etc why don't you just tell her and she can concentrate on someone else?
I also think she is just trying to help you...although you just wont see it like that :-( if you dont want her help then say so then she can help some one who does want her help :-)
Jeannie: I used to be into all that shiatsu and stuff so I'm open to the idea that it can be beneficial and I do want to have it one day. It's just that they phone me with hardly any notice when I'm really not up for going (and in the past have just forgotten and fallen asleep ~ or not been able to make it in quick enough) and I feel I'm blowing chances I don't want to HAVE until later because I'm not ready for them.
Akelamalu: I do want to go to the meetings I am just fed up of being nagged at and treated like it's such a big deal with inquisition why did I DARE not go last week/ etc. It's not the meetings but the manner of persuasion I'm against I spose...
Sally: Actually you have a point in a roundabout way about "help". There's no help she can give except direct me to the meetings, so getting vehement about that, as far as she's concerned, is the only way she can help any "more" if said help's being missed ... maybe(?)
Oh Gleds. Your comment note says 'don't hold back' so I won't. It's hard. Attending meetings, getting motivated, accepting whatever they're offering but they're not doing it for themselves, they're doing it for YOU. Sometimes you have to make the difficult choices, take the hard road. Do you really want to clean up? Doesn't sound like it much these days. Just because you attend doesn't mean you have to hug thy neighbour .. just politely shake their hand and say 'nope, I'm not the huggy type! And just because pushing your boundaries didn't work last time, doesn't mean history will repeat. It's all in your attitude.
Ah Gleds, there speaks a rebellious streak in you. Although I can't imagine why your case manager or whatever would pretend she is someone else, I do believe she has your best interests at heart. Therefore if you do go against her, then yes she will give her time to someone else. Unfortunately, there will probably come a day when you need her services and she's not there for you.
Have you thought she is probably as frustrated as hell in dealing with people who are reluctant to be helped? That is probably why you feel she is pushing you...she probably sees a human being who has something to offer if he would only but realise it.
What do you think? Having said all that, I still wish you all the best, Gleds and hope that "this, too, shall pass."
That stuff about pretending to be someone else sounds so juvenile.
Can you tell her you need some notice before she signs you up for another massage or whatever?
Janice~
Baino: indeed you CAN do that but they make such a big deal of it ... what an irony when my first "high" was on the "hug drug" "ecstasy"...!
Pussinboots: I don't know why anyone works with druggies like that. It's a near-impossible task with a really really low success rate
Janice: that's it! That's all it is. I would like to be clean and tidy and put my clothes which were half washed in a broken old washing machine through a lauderette first. That's all...
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