I'M NOW ONLY ONE DAY CLEAN. Last night I wanted to score. I turned the idea over and over in my mind. I wiped my old text messages then a new one appeared, timed fifteen minutes earlier. This was from Dealer #1, the one who used to sell giant £20 bags. So I thought: You want it that much. You get it. So I did._10_mg.jpg)
In a way there's nothing to post because the gear was so crap* that drugs-wise I might as well have chucked £15 down the drain and saved a perfectly good needle. It cooked up far too dark. It smelled of heroin being smoked, rather than cooked (a different smell). I thought that's odd. When I tasted a droplet: nothing. So I banged up the entire lot at once and felt the faintest opiate tinge for all of 45 seconds.All I've done is ruin my number of Days Clear, not get high, throw £15 away.
On the plus side I got the craving to use out of my system. The same way I gave up crack two years ago, yet wondered back six or seven times afterwards, I never wanted it again the next day. I just remembered why I hated it that much. I no more want to use again than a person who went to Disney Land on Monday would wish they were on a rollercoaster again Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. 
Heroin is a spectre from a past life. More a ghoul than a spectre. A monster who tries to deceive: You give me everything, then I'll give you More! Somehow, in the end, it didn't work.
So don't worry about me, I won't be hurrying back any time soon. I have Caramel Baileys, mince pies and temazepam, so I'm well sorted for Xmas.
Hope y'all have a Merry One one too. If it can't be Merry then may it be Tolerable. If you're 100% substance-free then may it be Serene (and of course Clean). Plus I hope 2011 is better for you than this Bag-o-Shite year ever was!!
The doggie is an American Akita, the sort of dog I really want.
I'll be online on Gabbly tomorrow so if anyone wants to talk I'll be there.
*To anyone who hasn't followed, there has been a severe drought in the British heroin supply for over 2 months; that's why my formerly reliable dealer was selling crap. It's hard to find a constant, reliable source of heroin anywhere now.
Well, sweets- we're human.
ReplyDeleteIt's all a process.
Merry Christmas! I hope it's a good one. I do. Or at least as good as it can be.
I bought my husband some Bailey's (regular) for Christmas. He has already opened it and is drinking it with coffee. A sort of speed-ball, I guess, for the non-heroin users.
We all do what we can.
I wish I weren't human. I wish I were an angel. Then I wouldn't be able to use drugs.
ReplyDeleteKnowing my luck I'd be a demon and live in misery and pain and not even be able to drug myself to feel better.
O what am I going to do!!
Thanks for the thoughts, you're right.
Baileys in strong coffee, instead of milk, is really nice.
I've opened mine too, it's in the fridge, away from me. If I kept it out, the whole lot would have gone by now and I'd probably feel sick from sugar and cream poisoning!
I hope your Xmas is good. Don't drink too much Baileys, then I won't either!
PS get some mince pies if you can find them, they're really nice. I never even knew till yesterday they don't really have them in America
Gleds, thanks for stopping by. I wish you a good day tomorrow. If I could, I would beam you over to the buffet dinner. Take care and enjoy the mince pies. We do have mince pies here that are imported from England. We also have the americanized version. Will you be seeing your mother? Good night to you.
ReplyDeleteAmerican mince pies? Wow!! America has just leapt in my estimation. I wouldn't mind living there now. New York City and Mince Pies. Wow!!
ReplyDelete... oh well now you know you haven't been missing anything.
ReplyDeleteLoved the behind the story of Fairyale of New York.
Enjoy your mince pies Gleds Merry Christmas*!*
Here's hoping that 2011 is a better year. All the best
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty now.. Hope it was nothing to do with me!!
ReplyDeleteSorry :(
I was thinking of guest blog subjects... could do something like NA but that might be a bit controversial!
Or maybe something that has nothing to do with drugs at all!
Happy Christmas mate
S
How about;
ReplyDeleteHow much the availability of drugs actually has a bearing on substance mis-use and whether prohibition has a place?
IE: In persia where you can buy opium over the counter (or at least you used to be able to) 80% Of the adult population are addicts.
Human nature is to explore...
How ethical is the criminalisation of natural plants
OR
Drug use over the years?
Im trying to think of a subject that neither of us have covered much but is relevant and interesting without being predictable..
You got any ideas?
Merry Christmas to you Gleds, hang tough and I hope 2011 will be the one where everything changes for the better for you.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you Gleds. Hang tough and may 2011 be the year where everything changes for you in a positive way.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Gleds!
ReplyDeleteBailey's is a Christmas tradition around here - I bought my daughter some but I make it for us as we always have a bottle or Irish or Canadian whiskey around that no one drinks and it makes a good use for it and is much cheaper when you glug it back as I do. My husband and I went through 2 bottles of it on holiday!
Glad that your attempt to use fell pretty flat for you. All for the best right?
Bimbimbie: those mince pies were the most luxurious I could find with the best most brandy-soaked mincemeat in Morrisons "Morrisons Best"... I ate 'em in the night. It was after midnight, so technically they got eaten Xmas day..!
ReplyDeleteJams: eheers. 2011 will be all clean. I'm pulling the plug soon on all this drink and pills. I'm waiting till my house is clean, then pulling the plug. Then I can be as miserable as I like. Or as happy. I'm hoping to be deliriously happy but somehow that might not happen, methinks
Sid: you have nothing at all to be guilty for! Thanks for those ideas. I did the history of heroin, which told me quite a lot. I still think there's more I could find out.
The history of heroin is annoying as there's loads of stuff about Double UO Globe labs in Laos, when we have to put up with bullshit Afghan #3. I found out btw there is supposedly something called "SW 999" brand, it's Afghan white heroin hydrochloride at 95% purity. I'm not sure whether that's an apocryphal story or what, but I read it online... What I resented most about heroin was buying an Afghan product when I'd so much rather have given money to mystical Hill Tribe peasants in a land of golden pagodas, incense, smiling Buddhas, chopsticks, tonal languages and the funkiest writing in the world. Never Afghanistan, not in a million years!
JMB: many thanks ;->...
Jeannie: yeah it was such a waste of time. I posted it because I felt dishonest not to and it would make me feel ill people mentioning 6 weeks clear when I was only 3. I felt like a real idiot now I don't care so much. In a way it got the desire to use out of my system... do you put the whiskey into the Baileys? I'd never thought of doing that. Can you get cheapo Baileys knockoffs in Canada? Here there are about 10 various brands named Irish Mist, Carolans, O'Grady's etc I kept forgetting which was nicest. Some are pretty rank. How can anyone with the resources of a massive drinks company ever make something they KNOW is substandard, I don't understand.
Thanks for the messages folks :-)
Morning.
ReplyDeleteBy history I was meaning more the history of addiction, like how it was legal in victorian times and the ladies used to have opium parties, injecting eachother.. Im sure I read somewhere that after the second world war there was something like 200,000 UK addicts and the supply was cut off they all had to cluck.. I didn't realise we had such a big problem back then..!
Other ideas..
The glamourisation of heroin in the media and the effect this has on new users?
Different countries detox procedures over history, im sure I read somewhere years ago about an experimental opiate detoxification in Russia where they immersed addicts in very hot water for a few days... lol .. could this be true!?
S
This is interesting...Don't know if you have read it?
ReplyDeleteI still love you. I sort of felt this coming. Your thousands of miles away, but I think we have a connection. Or it could just be two addicts who know how addict minds work.
ReplyDeletesorry i missed gabby-ing on xmas!! i would have loved it! hope that we all have a better 2011 "than this bag-o-shite year ever was"! well said!
ReplyDelete