Last time I was in trouble with my landlord (my old landlord) basically for living in a mess, for not coping. A way worse mess than this one, the day I had to go down the council to sort out my housing I had this weird feeling, as if someone had put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. Instead of feeling pain or stress I just felt unreal. I could not engage with anything. I knew what was happening, but it was not real to me.That is how I feel now. I should be in a frantic scrabble to clear up, but I'm not. In a way I don't care about anything at all. If I get chucked out I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to go on holiday. Or vacation, to you Americans. I will take as much methadone as I can carry. I know where to buy it so I can get a week's supply up front at high doses. This I will cut down drastically on the road. Detoxing makes me hyper. Hyper makes me pace. Pacing is walking. I can get a lot of travelling done by detoxing. If I feel suicidal I'm lucky because there's snow. I need only go to sleep outside and I might be lucky enough to die. But I'm not into dying, as I said I'm going on holiday. I won't say where because people will try and follow me or spy on me. But I'm going.
If I stay here I will turn my home into an operating theatre. But I'm almost hoping to get chucked out. Because I'm fed up of my old life. The problems and non-problems I thought were caused by heroin seemingly aren't. I always knew this was the case. Heroin was only a mask, masking the reality of a person not coping. I don't need heroin to dissociate myself. I don't need heroin as an anaesthetic. I only feel real pain in withdrawal or extreme mood states. My ordinary depression is usually mild enough just to blank me. Most of the time. But I have a nasty tendency to cycle through various mental states and into one when I realize with full weight and intensity What I Have Done. And then I feel very deeply negligent and sorry. Sorry for the hurt I have caused others. And sorry for myself. Usually I don't feel for myself, but sometimes I do, and I hate feeling anything.So I can live without heroin. Heroin was just a waste of time. I want off these opiates, they're only disabling an already disabled person. The sooner I'm off them the better. If I get made homeless I will have an A1 chance to come off because I will be nowhere near my methadone pharmacy, nowhere near the drug clinic or my "loving mother" who only wants to salve her conscience ~ or the rest of my family who do love me but I pity them for it. I wish I could kill their pain without killing them. (Maybe they would be better off on heroin!)
See I feel sad now because I have written the words of a badly messed up, lost person and I feel that. I can't accept that I am that person. Because if I could I would already be working not to be like that and I cannot do it. I try. I do try, but something invisible and very powerful, like bulletproof glass... something stops me. I wish I had never been born. I hate knowing the World. I don't care what the world knows about me, but I don't want to know the world any more. I never asked to live like this. I never asked to know what I know. I am the sort of idiot who would have bitten that forbidden fruit in Eden. I know. Drugs like Ecstasy, acid, ketamine, mushrooms opened up an understanding of something that is inexplicable to someone who hasn't been there. A kind of knowledge of good. A vision of paradise (on Ecstasy especially). So did heroin: an understanding of Evil. And a desperation you never knew was possible. And feeling it every single day for years on end.I don't want to know. I don't want to know anything any more. I wish the anaesthesia would come back.
I wish I had words for you. All I can say is thank god I never did heroin. It is your great misfortune that you did.
ReplyDeleteNot a weakness- a misfortune. I have always understood that and that is why I have always steered way clear of it.
I've made a real mess, haven't I
ReplyDeleteYou know, your words are serious and I pray you come to terms with how valuable you are instead of focusing on the past, what could have been etc. A lesson I am learning from another direction.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, you are a beautiful writer. You have a wonderful way with words. I hate to say that on a post with a topic such as this, but compliments can be so scarce in these times.
Also, you seem to have a very keen sense of self-awareness, which in my mind is good, you're facing things, just have to somehow hold on for the long-term rewards.
Just my opinions.
God bless.
Just kick in your a.. (not a ladylike word) and take a shuffle a bag and clean up ! The day you get fleas and rats I think you will do it. Your landlord is probably right !
ReplyDeleteYes, I became a grandma on Nov 17 and that makes me think that you probably looked as clean as my little grandson at that age !
for the rest of your life you are responsible ! Just educate yourself ! Some discipline is good sometimes !
No, I won't learn dutch ! he does it with his mother. My son speaks french with him and so will I.
Dutch anyway is not a language.
Heather's Mom: thanks for the compliment. I don't understand self-awareness... what I mean is I seem to have lots of it sometimes then hardly any at others... why is that? More to the point I have a mental block that I'm not so much into analysing as learning how to kick it down! If I didn't have that block I wouldn't be in a horrible mess like I am. I thought it was drugs (well I hoped it was) but I knew it wasn't. I'm still kicking it down. It's taking a lot longer than I'd like, that's all!
ReplyDeleteGattina: what you say is exactly what I tell myself! If I can't work out why I won't listen properly I can at least do the fucking cleaning, so I am. Anyway chucking stuff out is FUN I should really enjoy it (I'm trying) :-)
Hi,your mood has changed again,your documenting these mood changes is helping others..its making me see how we shouldn't attach ourselves to each mood,just watch them and let them pass,like the english weather...maybe summer will come again?
ReplyDeleteSummer again I hope so.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started writing that gun to my head post I was blank, then the meaning of my words impinged on me and I felt very sad, in both senses of that word.
Now I feel nice and blank. Drinking might have something to do with that one, hahaha!
I told myself I'm pullling the plug on drink by the evening of 31/12/10 at latest. How the hell I;m gonna do that being a dependent drinker (as basically I am now) I don't know but I'm giving it a fucking good try. Even if it puts me in hospital I'll still go on trying
... what am I talking about "trying" I mean DOING. Trying is nothing. Doing is everything
ReplyDeleteIf you know that you are lost and messed up, why not make a decision to be found and not messed up. If detoxing makes you hyper and pace, then detox while picking up the place and pacing back and forth with the bags of garbage and such. There is a solution Gleds. Look for the solution and not at the problems and why you can't do this or that. I agree with you that trying is BS. Taking good positive action with bettering your life would help you and help us who care about you.
ReplyDeleteSyd hit the nail on the head. What you look at is what you'll see and what you look for is what you'll find. If you develop your many positive, innocent interests, and start viewing yourself as an instrument (for better or worse) you'll begin doing better. No one blames a hammer for breaking a window. Allow positive influences to motivate you.
ReplyDeleteWe can all feel bad about stuff, or miserable with the state we're in - but it's all relative.
You've got in your states through not coping for various reasons. Every individual gets where they are through not coping in the way others think they should. We all get labelled. People deal with their lot in different ways. Bad mothers and fathers are just as human as kids who suffered because of them. They were also kids once.
Past sh*t is just that and should be flushed away. Keep stirring it up with a stick and it will continue to be a stink in your nostrils.
Too much time spent in self-analysis is wasteful, especially when your life is stagnant through drug addiction. Live a little and analyze new material. Delving into your sickness of mind is also a waste of time by now.Concentrating so much on that makes you sicker. Instead, wonder at how well your mind functions in so many ways, in spite of all the abuse you've thrown at it.
Perception of good and evil can be triggered by electrodes as well as by chemical abuse, as can various moods from joy to despair, from blind terror to uncontrollable mirth - none of which are "real".
When you dwell on the effects that chemicals or sadness have on your state of mind, you cause them to become a "reality" for you, but it is just your own perception.
You can change the way your brain is wired, takes about 3 months to a year - it has been scientifically proven. Bad tempered individuals have been able to train their behaviour in a way that re-wires the connections in their brain. It required effort, and they got headaches, but it worked.
You can develop a "can do" attitude to replace the "disabled" one which is not a true reflection of who you are, but who you have become. You are in control. Not the past, not the way you are or were wired, not alcohol,not heroin or any other drugs, and not your "loving mother" or any other people. You are not disabled in mind or body.You have family who love you. You are so lucky with so much to fight for.
what about a normal picture of yourself?
ReplyDeleteSyd: I did make a decision to be found and not messed up. HEROIN did that perfectly for me. Without heroin I hear fracture up, hear voices, dissociate and am prone to uncannily powerful (and not so powerful) mood swings. It's absolutely impossible to "Decide" not to be that way. That's WHO I AM. Come on Sid! I'm not saying that's a bad way to be. It's far better than being "normal". But not condusive to engaging with this world that is too shitty to bother with anyway. Ie I have an alternative coping mechanism that is FAR SUPERIOR to drugs, as it's cheaper, inherent to me and nobody can ever take it away
ReplyDeleteBeenThere: I'm not disabled. Onoy conventional thinking says that. I'm fine. The world is disabled. Their idea of reality is lying in a cold bath freezing feeling suicidal. I'd rather be who I am then who THEY think I should be any day. So that IS WHO I AM.
Anon: those pictures aren't me. I never have and never will post up a picture of me. If I did I'd close my blog and stop posting