I WENT TO BED AROUND 3AM, GOT UP AT 7:30AM. I felt dire. I spent an hour in a chair, knocking back methadone and three huge wine glasses of tapwater. I drank so much last night I was actually (slightly) hung over. Buying white cyder in 3-litre bottles was not the good idea I thought it was.I barely get hangovers now. Somebody told me this has to do with opiate-dependence and I think they were right.
Actually I spent more than an hour in that chair. More like three. Finally at approaching quarter past eleven after two more enormous wineglasses of Hair of the Dog white cyder I'm starting to feel OK.
Everything I said in that earlier post "Gun to my head" was (unfortunately) true.
I got a comment from Gattina just now. Gattina is now a grandmother. She lives in Belgium with her Italian husband. Is German born, but speaks French (and English). In fact she speaks four languages fluently plus Dutch*, which she always says she doesn't speak, but if I can follow it just from knowing German and having studied a tiny bit of Dutch, I know she can. Notice I say "follow" not "speak".
She says I have to do what I have to do and in my mother's words Take Responsibility.
This is the crux of the problem: that's exactly what I tell myself! So why won't I listen?
Anyway who cares about listening; it's doing that counts. So I'm doing what I have to, albeit far FAR more slowly than I'd like. Chucking everything I don't need out out OUT.
*Gattina's grandson lives in Amsterdam and the northern part of Belgium speaks Flemish or Vlaams, as they call it, a dialect of Dutch.
I suppose drinking cider is better than injecting heroin.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. In the short term, true, in the long term not so. I really have to stop. that's why I catalogue how much I've drunk (when I can remember): my onine drink diary. It was supposed to stop by new year but I'm not sure it can. Fuck it I'll do it. I have to stop everything. But I NEED to get my house clear. Then I can have as many nervous breakdowns as I please. Unfortunately that's a real possibility. I'm not being dramatic, just pragmatic. I feel barely held together now. Without a chemical to do it for me I'm not sure I can do it for myself. I wish that wasn't so but it seems to be the case
ReplyDeletemmmm i think white cider is dangerous long term,by neighbour exploded from inside out from many years of white cider drinking - white diamond is what we get down here, i have not been around for a while but glad to see you are still blogging, try not to be too hard on yourself you spent years getting into this pickle so it will take sometime to get out of it,patience is what you need but sometimes patience does not arrive quick enough,
ReplyDeletetake care x :)
Gattina is right and very wise. Keep decluttering because 'doing it' does count. Cider gives me an awful headache. Gleds, lean on people, friends, drug workers anyone when you feel like this. You don't have to do it alone.
ReplyDeleteIf cider is the lesser of two evils, use it as a stepping stone to a better place. Drinking is more socially acceptable, if nothing else, and help more readily available I think, to quit that in time.
ReplyDeleteObviously, you need chemical help of some type. Ideally, I think you should be in a facility where you can get physically free of all the crap you've done and then can be scientifically experimented on to find that magic concoction that would make you feel level - if it exists. Otherwise, I think you run the risk of self-medicating whenever things are off. It would be nice if all of us could go to that magical place.
Akh I can't believe I'm compromising on this but I'm going to have to taper off this drink aren't I? I think I am starting to get addicted to it. I've been drinking for nearly ten years as well. It started out as Dutch Courage for begging on the street (not exactly easy when you're middle class and hitting your fellow middle classes for money (beggars I knew tended to be more middle class than shoplifters))... what am I saying. Yeah I wish I could continue cleaning at a more comfortable rate. I've decided to clear the worst tonight and CLEAN the cooker (clagged on cooking) sink (like a swamp, half-blocked, really horrible, I use the bathroom one) and the bathroom (not that bad but awful by ordinary standards) do all this and when the landlord comes as I'm sure he will I can say look I've done all this and I'll have to be straight with them. If I have to I'll tell them I gave up drugs and (slowly) giving up drinking. That might score me a point
ReplyDeletemy sinks i could also describe as being like swamps. my carpets like a forest floor.
ReplyDeleteregardless, i've been meaning to leave a comment for a while but i wonder: have you ever thought about ayuasca or dmt as a means of trying to get off smack? you probably have already heard of these rituals they do in africa and south america using these hallucinagens to get addicts on the path to recovery. very ancient roots and herbs. dmt or something like it (melatonin) is produced in the brain.
some alcos swear by them too, these treatments. i think the crux is focused on the psychological aspect of things mainly so i don't know how much of a long term alleviating would occur - as opposed to continual chemical substitutes.
anyway, thought it might be worth putting out there to you if you hadnt thought of it already.
Going from one addiction to others isn't uncommon. Eventually, those who are recovered don't have to be addicted to booze, drugs, sex, etc. Read the Big Book of AA and see what it says.
ReplyDeleteGleds, here is a good post by Jess about cleaning up a house and our own selves:
ReplyDeletehttp://christianchickblog.blogspot.com/2010/12/next-we-launch-out-on-course-of.html
Gled,
ReplyDeleteI'm proud of you for trying, but remember to take it one step at a time.
And don't give up!
Janice~
Danny: thanks for your comment I just answered at yours. That post of yours is quite vivid!!
ReplyDeleteDMT was one thing I was wary of. I did start asking after it but had heard it was like very intense acid, which I'd already experienced. I know it wears off quick but DMT has the style of trip I wasn't so much into. (Far preferred ketamine's dissociation. And I loved the way nobody can walk into a ketamine trip. And the way I didn't even know I was a person during the peak of the trip, let alone remember my name or my life... I loved that.
Ibogaine is very interesting but I'm wary of that too. My mind needs balancing and I'm afraid anything remotely psychedelic will perturb it.
Syd: I'm clearing my floor by scrubbing it. As we speak. OK in one second...
I should have an e-version of the AA big book. I have to say I'd FAR prefer it on paper. So oldschool, me :-)
I'M BACK!!!
ReplyDeletethanks for the kind words on eileens blog wondering where i was lol
i got hacked and wasnt able to log into anything Facebook, blog, hotmail, nothing for fear he would steal my passwords and mess around.then i got a terrible flu and was in bed for a few days
hope all is well with you gleds, poor mango might be sick :(
Poor Mango. I'm glad you came back. I thought you'd gone bipolar or gone to Sweden!
ReplyDeleteYou sound so much more resolute now Gleds, I think you will do it!
ReplyDeleteI HAVE TO!!
ReplyDelete