I went into HMV, but nothing inspired me. Eventually I got Michael Jackson but 2 of the 3 discs play in black and white. If they're BOTH like that I assume they've botched an entire batch. So little point changing them. But I will. Nothing is wrong with my DVD machine. Everything else plays properly.I got a Chinese takeaway but it's gross and I'm leaving it. I'm so greedy I will prbably want it later but it's grotesque. Undercooked onions. Yeurkh. I'm giving up on Chinese food.
Instead of buying heroin, which I only wanted to make me feel OK, I got 7 valium blues. I now have 4 left. I reckon i got ripped off because usually I can feel 1x10mg. Today i can barely feeel anything. I only took them to take something. I had 4 drinks but still feel no better. They're the new mandy cherry 4.7% vol cyder. Valium isn't an antidepressant it quells anxiety and I got HAD-tested years ago when I was far more prone to anxiety than today and came out "high depression; low anxiety". Anyway anxiety is the living pits. Far worse than anything i get. If psychiatry judged experiences on how bad they felt rather than how much of a mess they leave you, a panic attack would be judged more serious than any schizophrenia.
So that's me. All the films seemed to be about madness or they were TV shows at £40 a season and nothing at all grabs me. Michael Jackson was only for background music you can glance at. Also I wanted the full films of Thriller, Bad and Ghosts.
I could still get to an NA meeting tonight but frankly haven't the energy to walk to the bus. Plus you have to sit in a room full of junkies being contemplative, which I'm not. And I don't think about my former drug of choice ALL DAY the way I'm apparently meant to. And the well meaning but ridiculous advice I get to go rehab: you wanna see me go totally batshit crazy? Put me on a 10-day methadone taper. That will set me off like nothing else. So no, no NA today. Plus I'm fed up of hinting at my situation and getting a load of total barking-up--the-wrong tree platitudes. Most of them seem to believe I'm still using. Well they can get fucked. I don't need that. I need it less than ever today.
I agree 100%.
ReplyDeletePanic disorder is a nasty disease.
My ex had that with agoraphobia too. After trying Rxs in different forms, she's coping better with cbt therapy and is doing alright.
I hope you feel better asap,
j.
interesting you mention cbt
ReplyDeletedepression is supposedly cognitive, at least most depression supposedly is
yet i remember clearly thinking stuff of neutral emotional content like "i'll go to the shop" ~ nothing negative in that thought, yet in depression this is followed by an instant sinking feeling
in other words the depression, which is a feeling, COMES AFTERWARDS
true a lot of future-predicting goes on; this only fuels, intensifies and puts it all in a vidious circle; but the basic depression is feelings not thought
anxiety on the other hand, is highly coginitive. i know this because nursey at the nutter drug clinic interviewed me, assumed i had massive anxiety issues even though i never once said i was anxious (this one thinks far too much)... she gave me a factsheet that gave me such a laugh.
"how to quench anxiety: don't spend all night worrying over stuff that won't happen" ~ I NEVER EVER DO THAT
i only get wound up over specific issues, things etc. it's certainly not an attitude that colours my life; DEPRESSION does that
as i said I scored high depression; low anxiety
if she'd troubled to discover my Hospital Anxiety Depression Score she'd have seen I had low anxiety and have had for years no matter how low i go (ultra low feels ultra serene, despite the stygian "my life is over" vibe... i mean she could have ASKED me whether i felt anxious but she didn't. idiot. she ASSUMED I was like her when I'm not like her. fucking idiot. this is where my patience has run out, being ASSUMED i'm this thing when nobody fucking listens.
well they listen now
yeah it's the pits and being so cognitive CBT probably works far better on that than depression
i learned NOT to waste time and energy worrying over things that wont happen. all i was afraid of has already happened. and if you're willing to face fears head on it destroys all their power
patronizing idiot wanted me to be a weak person. she saw depression and mistook it for personality disorders that are exotic but a pretty insulting analysis of who she thought it was. so next time i see her i'm taking her up on this big time
good luck to your friend
anxiety is the all time worst. worse than any psychosis i went through and i literally lost my mind 4, 5, 6 times in a week ... so i know what i'm talking about. i had anxiety of the freefloating type for years and it's dire