Anyway I took a 0.3g hit in my leg and felt far better. I'm very well aware of how sad it is to rely on heroin as an antidepressant, but it's the only thing that really works for me. I was in such a negative frame of mind that the staying clean aspect felt pretty meaningless. I felt like an idiot and a loser for using and had so many negative thoughts in my head it barely seemed worthwhile going down the road to get the drug. But I did. And I felt better.
Unlike the other day though my mood stayed higher right into the evening. Now it's even higher than it was when I used and its just after 3am. I don't feel manic, but I barely feel depressed at all. I feel a little bit speedy actually. There's no way the heroin can be causing this. Heroin makes you dopey, not speedy. And heroin mostly wears off within 4-6 hours, unless you take a truly whopping dose, which I didn't.
So I'm hoping my mood is improving by itself. I felt tired and gauwchy earlier on which is not surprising: heroin does that to you. But I didn't sleep. Then I realized it was after midnight so I went to bed but just didn't feel sleepy enough ~ for once! So I'm up and trying to stay up as long as I can.
The research I did into depression said that missing a night's sleep can actually reset your body clock out of depression. So I'm going to try going on just a few hours sleep and a bit of tea to see whether this works.
Wish me luck!
OK the following is a mixed bag of stuff from when I was researching how not to be depressed. The links are really for my own benefit, but have a click if you're interested. You might find the "how it feels" mania and depression ones enlightening if you're wondering what bipolar feels like.
From the Risperidone leaflet. When this fell out I was so high it felt like a character portrait just for me:
Risperidone tablets are also used to treat a type of mental illness called bipolar disorder, which causes dramatic mood swings from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs (characterised by overactivity, elation or irritability, overly talkativeness, aggression, less need for sleep than normal, switching quickly from one topic to another as if they cannot get their thoughts out fast enough, get easily distracted or show poor judgement or cause injury to oneself) are called episodes of mania.
Only thing I didn't do in all that was injure myself.
I got "54+ severely depressed" on this scale as well.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/interactive/interactivetests/goldberg.php
68 "severely depressed" again
http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm
Bipolar II disorder, the mental illness from which actress Catherine Zeta Jones suffers:
http://www.medscape.org/viewarticle/418725
Bipolar sleep
http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-sleep.html
What triggers a manic episode
http://www.livingmanicdepressive.com/C_021.html
If you want to know what it feels like to be manic, read this:
http://www.livingmanicdepressive.com/B_010.html
And here's a good description of what depression's like
http://www.livingmanicdepressive.com/B_020.html
WEEBLES FEATURING PRINCESS JULIA: MOIST WOMANLY NEEDS
This is for you, Anna Grace, you nympho tart!
DELIRIUM FEATURING SARAH MCLACHAN: SILENCE
Thanks, LizzieDripping
The fur hat illustration is because I found one today that looks like the top bit of that one without the lollopy rabbits' ears sides. I'm saving it for next winter: my new look!
PS note to self: GET NEW GLASSES
Thanks for stopping by. Hope that tomorrow goes well for you and you are out of the depression.
ReplyDeleteI hope it stays GONE then no need for that shitty heroin. I was ONLY using it because I felt shit, not out of sheer habit like I used to. If I felt perfect tomorrow I wouldn't touch it. So fingers crossed.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear you're feeling better m'dear.
ReplyDeleteHappy Easter, Gleds. xx
ReplyDeleteAKELAMALU: I FELT WAY BETTER AT THE WEEKEND THAN DURING THE WEEK, I'D BEEN FEELING REALLY LOUSY
ReplyDeleteWELSHCAKES: HAPPY SPRING CELEBRATION TO YOU TOO!
Howdy Gleds.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when I use heroin, it has a profound effect on me. I feel happy, confident and most importantly - optimistic. I start to feel like I actually have a future. This feeling usually lasts for many hours until I go to bed. Of course, it's all gone when I get up the next morning.
The idea behind using smack was once for the high but now it's to fight off depression. Sure, there's still an initial buzz but feeling normal like I once did is the ultimate goal.
It sounds like you might sometimes have a similar experience to me when you use heroin. Feeling content and buoyant which gives you the urge to do things like cooking, phoning friends, cleaning, writing or other hobbies/interests etc. Like you mentioned, it's sort of like speed which makes no sense at all.
If only the useless fucking government would allow doctors to prescribe diamorphine for depression to addicts or long term pain patients, then we might see thousands of them rejoin the workforce and become part of the community once again. It's a no brainer ... Diamorphine can effectively kill off depression for many addicts. Why commit them to a life of shit medications like methadone when we have such effective solutions like heroin? I was nearly driven to the point of suicide when I was on methadone and it took some carefully crafted manoeuvring and sheer luck that I was able to switch to Slow Release Oral Morphine (SROM) instead. And although SROM literally saved my life, it doesn't come close to diamorphine.
"I'm very well aware of how sad it is to rely on heroin as an antidepressant, but it's the only thing that really works for me. I was in such a negative frame of mind that the staying clean aspect felt pretty meaningless. I felt like an idiot and a loser for using and had so many negative thoughts in my head it barely seemed worthwhile going down the road to get the drug. But I did. And I felt better."
Why should you feel ashamed to admit that a certain medication alleviates your depression just because it has been demonised by anti-drug zealots, religious nutters and self serving politicians? Drugs that make people feel happy have been constantly rejected as not having any medical use all throughout history; led mainly by religious groups like the Temperance Movement and law enforcement agencies. MDMA and cannabis is a classic example.
Anyway, take care Gleds and we'll talk soon.