I HAVE HAD NO HEROIN TODAY AND I FEEL VILE.That is, I'm in a "low mood". I'm not clucking, not detoxing, methadone is holding me as well as it ever does.
I cleared up my room in one go. I knew that was the only way I'd get it done. It's far from perfect but I got an amazing amount done between 5 and 10 am. The council lady looked at me and said "you're not coping, are you?" and I said "no" (well I couldn't say yes could I?)
Then I vegetated in front of the television. I've managed to lose that box set of The Wire so there's nothing decent to watch.
This afternoon I slept for several hours. I went to bed around the time I decided against scoring gear, even though the idea was niggling at me. You have to understand if you're not a British heroin user that the quality of the drug on these shores has droped precipitously since there was a blighted opium harvest in Afghanistan last year. They say purity has fallen from 30 or 40% down to 13 or 14% but frankly I find it hard to believe it's even that strong.
Yesterday a friend brought some round after a two hour round trip involving frineds of friends and a trip to the edge of town. This is the best gear you can get and I barely felt it. If I hadn't been in mixed company I'd have banged up the entire £20 bag in one but didn't want the "be careful"s and tut-tutting this would invoke. I don't care if I die on heroin. If heroin wasn't deadly it wouldn't have been anything like the attraction it was to the young depressed me.
So I slept the same as I would have done on heroin but saved myself £20.
Then I went to the supermarket which I hate doing when I'm down I cannot decide what to buy, nothing inspires me and I feel stranded there. Miserable and exhausted with people rushing to the left and the right when all I want is to be home alone with the door locked and the world kept at bay.
Now I'm regretting not using.
I think heroin users should get death by firing squad for a first offence. Or if you think that sounds fascist, make it a voluntary death penalty. I'd volunteer. In fact, I'd be first in line.
Yesterday, I would have been right behind you in the firing squad, but today with the Heroin in me, and not having Methadone block its effects I think the best way to go out is to OD on H.
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling Anon on my blog whats going on, or what went on.
In my blog I posted About Angie's death, I didn't tell the part about after Angie's funeral we were driving to the dinner afterward, that me, my mom, and my dad driving were all in the car. My dad drove into oncomming traffic to try to kill us all so we could all be together. My mom had to yank the stearing wheel until we went into the ditch.
My dad was so distraght he needed his pain pills to numb the emotional pain. So yes, for a few days he did abuse his pain pills. Not as much as I was. My mom only took one a few minutets after she found out Angie had died, and one at the furneral.
Are you an only child? If thats too personal you don't have to tell me, or if you want to tell me but don't want anyone else to know just email me the answer.
Oh yes, and tell me what question you had about my book?
I'm signing in anon because it doesn't delete my comments right after I write a long one.
Anna
Highlight the comment in blue and make sure it is saved in the mouse, then you'll know for sure it will come through. I've lost loads of long comments and I know how annoying it is.
ReplyDeleteNo I have 2 brothers, one blood brother one step brother they are 1 and 2 years younger than me. I don't write about them because I don't see them. We never fell out it's just I was a raving junkie and felt too self conscious to go out and meet my brother when he was in London. You know waiters glaring at me thinking "junkie". Even when I posh myself up I just look like a gutter junkie who's washed his hair. I'd be far more comfortable eating fish and chips and swigging special brew on a park bench but that's not my brother's style.
Lots of people on pain meds "abuse" them when they're feeling stressed. Doctors don't see it as abuse because stress genuinely does increase physical pain. And so what if your Mum took 2 pills? I think Anonymous could have at least read a bit more of your blog before making a really stupid comment that you're a family of pill poppers, it's so obvious you're NOT. Also how would you have stayed clear for all that time if your house was overflowing with drugs like Anonymous wants to suppose. Ridiculous.
I posted up a song for you Moist Womanly Needs it's under "heroin wiped away my tears" and it has a really vulgar woman giving the voice over.
I can't remember exactly what the question was, it was probably something to do with being in prison that I didn't want to ask on your blog. I will go back to the book and email my queries soon. Take care
xx
have fun on the tar
You sound like you've given up on every getting clean Gleds. That is such a shame but it's down to you whatever you do. :(
ReplyDeleteI don't know what I think. I know heroin is no answer except as a death hastener. That's the attraction of heroin.
ReplyDeleteDon't take anything I say too seriously at the moment I don't know what I'm thinking
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X5S76oKO6NM&feature=related
ReplyDeletehugs to you sir.
:)
Thanks Lizzie, I put that in my next post with my shout to you
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear this Gleds. I hope that your mood lifts.
ReplyDeleteIt's better today (Sunday) than it was yesterday but I only had a couple of hours' sleep last night which does lift mood albeit temporarily. I want it to lift properly into a manic type mood because when I was manic I genuinely wanted out of Drugs permanently and for ever and I genuinely believed that
ReplyDelete