I have been feeling very depressed. I was hypomanic for just two days. Of course the second of these had to be when I was seeing the doctor at the druggie service plus my worker. My worker was visually backing off from me, I was talking so much and probably too loudly about the ins and outs of my long term heroin addiction in the waiting room. Then the next day I crashed!I have been tempted to use heroin but only through sheer desperation. When I was still in a good mood I bought three good films in French, German and Spanish: La Vie En Rose; The Baader Meinhof Complex and Dark Habits by Pedro Amodovar (whatever his name is). La Vie En Rose, which is the life story of Edith Piaf, who grew up between a brothel and a circus, earned a living busking and was discovered by a nightclub owner named Louis Leplée. I love that film so much I have seen it four or five times already. It has been the only thing that brought meaning to my last days that have been so miserable.
I did see my Mum yesterday and I wrote her a letter explaining the past. I don't know if she liked what she read. I was beating myself up afterwards for being too frank. I didn't look at the letter in the five days between writing it and handing it over. I think I have a problem with over-frankness, the opposite of most people. I felt ill all day though it was really nice to see her. By ill I mean like a crotchety 108 year old who can't do anything without getting tired easily. My Mum seemed OK I hope she didn't notice my poor health. I really feel ill and I'm only calling it "depression" because I know from experience that's what it probably is, but I've been feeling physically sick, exhausted and as if my life is over.
I went to the dentist today for the second of two appointments and got my upper teeth cleaned (the lower ones were done last week) and had two fillings. The lignocaine took over twenty minutes to work and had to be injected twice into my lower gums until it froze me up so good I can still barely speak!
I think/hope I am starting to feel better. I am dreading next having to see a psychiatrist (whenever I get one) and having to explain my dreadful mental health. Ukh. Oh well not worth worrying about now. I have to ping off as I'm about to be terminated I will try and get in touch with some of you tomorrow.
I have to go; I'm feeling bad already.
Hope that you will feel better. I also am glad that your dental appointment went okay.
ReplyDeleteYay for a relatively OK appointment. The dentist's office ccan be SO scary! How awesome that you "have the balls" to go.
ReplyDeleteYes the dentist should go second to the top of my list, when I write it. It will probably be nearer the bottom. I am very scared of the whole dentist thing. I would say phobic, but as I have a proper "real live" irrational phobia, I know I'm only scared of the dentist. Most of the fear being justified by experience.
ReplyDeleteI imagine your Mum was pleased to spend some time with you. Does she still feel "down" at this time of the year?
Ahhh La belle Piaf . . . Allez venez Milord!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zq_xVZVKDkc
I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. My favourite Piaf song. Beautiful lyrics. Well worth translating. I hope you are feeling some enthusiasm for some things.
With love
Di
x
Syd: I'm FAR better today thanks
ReplyDeleteEyelick: I'm x10 more scared of a blood test than the dentist. And that's ALL that needed doing after 10 years (besides 1 extraction last year but that dentist made it pretty plain he didn't want me on his list...)
Buggerlugz: I have ordered a book on Piaf or will when I get down the bookshop tomorrow (they only take cash orders)... I have found a Piaf Video which I will post up...
Harro. I'm a bad blogger these days. I so need to go to the dentist but my cover doesn't pay for crowns and I need 3 . . time to buy a lottery ticket.Yep free health but not free dental, go figure
ReplyDelete