OK LET ME TRY TELLING MY STORY FOR A THIRD TIME! (Two previous attempts and technology has failed me...)
Right. First let me apologize for having been out of touch. I'm sorry I did not meant to worry y'all with being away but I've been unwell and managed to do several days last week with NO drinking, which is something I believed I'd lost the power over for good...
My drinking was spiralling out of control. I was drinking 6, 7 cans a day. These are half-litre cans of 7.5% ABV white cyder so you can tot up the units yourself, if you care to do so. Basically on a single day I was exceeding my supposed limit for an entire week!
Another factor: new dealer; double or even treble strength gear. Sod's law that I'll be at my friend's house and get the vein first time. All I remember was standing facing her and fading fast... next thing I knew was a confounding haze of gauwching out on a wall with people walking past this way and that totally oblivious of me. Next thing I know I'm in possession of a "frozen" pizza, only it's long ago thawed and I can't even remember buying it!
A warning on the drug service wall describes my new gear to a t: right down to its distinctive orangey colour. Apparently all over London people have been overdosing on this stuff and chemicals in the gear stop the usual reversal drugs from having any effect so people have been dying on this.
Looking back: or rather peering rather sheepishly through a thick mist all I can see is that vast chunks of last week are missing and I can't remember spending the money that's gone. All I've paid for is some very expensive amnesia!
Whenever not on gear I've been depressed out of my mind and sweaty, diarrhoeary, lying in bed having nightmares about giant ecstasy parties full of beautiful people then I'm stranded 100 miles outside London with no money, no methadone and knowing I have to get to my chemist quick!
Methadone is supposed to keep its users "normal" but all I ever seem to feel on it is weary and listless and totally flat. On heroin I'm depressed, but on methadone I'm depressed out of my tiny little mind!
I'm sorry not to have been in touch for so long, but I'm touched that people worried for me. I did not mean to cause such great concern. I suppose you were right to be worried in a way because I wasn't that all right but I'm OK now. Little better than OK but getting there! I just wish I could get inside my own comments to answer them now!
OK take care my friends and I'm sorry again for stressing y'all... I really wanted to write at the weekend but had no internet connexion and this present one isn't that impressive... I'm surviving. I can make it. I HAVE NO CHOICE.
"Try try try again" - it never stops. I hope your will to buckle up on the drinking translates over to the drugs. One step at a time...
ReplyDeleteYou do worry me Gleds. If only you could kick the drugs as well as the drink. x
ReplyDeletei was so worried about you.... glad to hear your ok ish do take care x
ReplyDelete(((Gleds*!*))) You're alive and that's what matters, keep working with your doctor for the depression.
ReplyDeleteFocus on the positive - you went several day with no alcohol :)
Would love for those evil B's to be on the receiving end of their own chemical concoctions.
It's great to know you are back with us - don't worry about replying it's just wonderful to know you are in the land of the living. x *!*
Oh my goodness . . . I'm worried about you. Keep going; as bimbimbie says, focus on the positive!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back . . .I had a strong feeling this was the reason. Who was it that said you were fine when quite obviously you weren't? I don't know what to say other than try to ease off a little.
ReplyDeleteYOU'RE BACK! Thankyou so much for peering rather sheepishly through a thick mist and letting us know you have survived and CAN make it :))))))
ReplyDeleteHoly crap Gled, that was not cool. I'm glad to hear it wasn't worse and hope you'll feel even better soon. Thanks for stopping by on my blog to say hello, I was instantly happy to see your comment as it meant you were back and hopefully all right.
ReplyDeleteI stopped on Merle's blog yesterday because I know her from your comments list and she has a very German name, so I went to pay her blog a visit.
Whew gleds, sounds like a doozie.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear you pulled through...I wouldn't worry too much about responding to comments and "catching up"...that puts too much pressure on you. We're just all glad to hear from you...keep pressing on.
We're in your corner.
xo
Dear Gleds ~~ Great to see you back
ReplyDeleteand congrats on the alcohol free days
Please do be careful with that new dealer's drugs - they sound bad.
I guess being depressed you have not been able to write on your book. How are your robos? I hope you were able to feed them and not too ill. Take better care my friend. No need to respong, just get well. Love, Merle.
Good to know you're OK. I hope someone will kick that dealer's ass sore to the bone. Gratz on the low alcohol usage. I hope you can keep that up.
ReplyDeleteWould you be less depressed if you had something to do? Hobbies or work, even volunteering?
It doesn't sound like you gave the anti-depressants a fair chance to work.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone yeah I'm back... I was fine by the end of the week, it was the middle that was the problem. I was left very depressed tho, & had been physically ill. This may have been drink withdrawal related. But I'm still here and still going on ... and hopefully up .. (!!)
ReplyDelete