Monday, December 29, 2008

Reality Check

YOU CAN ALL HATE ME NOW because I've used. I used heroin. I used it last night after I had posted. I was not feeling any good anyhow and now I'm weary of life.

I say that in response to a comment does it feel good or just plain bad?... Honestly..? It felt terrible. Early on yesterday afternoon my mind turned to schemes for robbilng the supermarket of smoked salmon, alcohol, Mach 3 razors and the other shoplifters' staples so frequently removed from my local "emporium" security have taken to sitting at a "workstation" as you enter, consisting of a bank of CCTV-screens across which they supposedly track "dodgy customers"... Oh I cannot be bothered. I was in the frame of mind where you just go kamikaze/suicidal/lose all self respect/however you wish to phrase it... And I really don't know what else to say because I'm so tired. And I wish to go in said shop to get all the stuff I'd run out of by yesterday evening. And to be able to shop respectably... And not be banned from my own local one... Man what a miserable day it was. Yurks yurks YUUUUUURKS!!!
at

14 comments:

  1. Akelamalu29 December 2008 at 17:16

    I don't hate you Gleds, but I won't pretend I'm not disappointed - for you. x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Gledwood29 December 2008 at 17:19

    that's ok... not ok... well you know what i mean

    do you know what i think our messages literally just crossed just now when i left one at yours

    ReplyDelete
  3. Puss-in-Boots29 December 2008 at 18:43

    I couldn't hate you, Gleds. You're human, with frailties, like all of us.

    Is it the Christmas blues that's brought all of this on, do you think? I've read somewhere that the highest number of suicides occur at Christmas and it seems to fit in with the way you're feeling.

    I'm glad you have the outlet of your blog, at least you're not totally alone...even if we're just cyberspace friends...I think I can speak for all when I say that we're here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sweeti29 December 2008 at 19:38

    Today is another day to try again...Choose to stop just as you choose to use.
    I battled a 20 year nicotine addiction and stopped and started many times until I worded my choice in my mind differently.
    Instead of quitting, I chose to stop. It was the empowerment I needed in the somewhat seemingly powerless struggle I was facing. I used a patch and gave it my all, through the weird nightmares and even weight gain I decided it was worth it. I'm now going on my 6th year smoke free. I will not lie, it was hour by hour at first, then day by day, now, I know I'd never pick up another cigarette again.

    I prayed for help also, It was a shot in the dark for me. I am a true believer, All the drama of stopping washed away with ease, I was so surprised that it really has changed my life and the way I think. You can do this.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Jeannie29 December 2008 at 21:31

    I'm in no position to get judgemental on your ass. All you can do is your best. We all just want to feel good after all. The quick fix just doesn't deliver what it promises and you end up feeling worse. Keep trying.

    ReplyDelete
  6. molson29 December 2008 at 22:48

    Hey Gledwood. Don't get too down on yourself. It's not good for the psyche. One lost battle doesn't lose the war.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Vincent29 December 2008 at 23:15

    Hey man, four (or five?) days is better than nothing. I'm glad you didn't steal anything.

    I say maybe try again when you're up for it.

    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Baino30 December 2008 at 00:17

    Hey,you managed four days this week. Next week make it six, the next make it 8. Baby steps. But you can't do it alone . .use whatever support network you have . .I mean it. I wish you wouldn't blow your food money on smack, at least leave enough to keep yourself sustained nutritionally. Don't hate you . . just what it does to you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lone Grey Squirrel30 December 2008 at 13:30

    Gleds, I echo Puss-in-Boots and Baino's comments. Please try again but do it in baby steps, improving each time.

    Also it would be great if you did not have to do it alone. I know if I am trying to change myself through self discipline, I have found it helpful to have a mate going through it together so that we are an encouragement to each other and also accountable to each other. I think it helps.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Gattina30 December 2008 at 17:51

    I don't hate you at all ! I am so sorry for you !! You continue to dig your own grave ...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Crushed30 December 2008 at 18:57

    Don't beat yourself up over it!

    It's not easy, we all know that.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Gledwood30 December 2008 at 20:13

    thanks everyone... i don't know what else to say but

    ;->...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous31 December 2008 at 02:54

    We are certainly here to judge you, don´t worry. I just hope the best for you...

    ReplyDelete
  14. Gledwood2 January 2009 at 19:30

    ... cheers!... 和你說中文！

    ReplyDelete

For legal reasons, comments that incite hatred, racism, issue threats or include personal contact information will be deleted.