HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Broadband is back!

I HAVE A NEW SIM CARD firmly taped into the dongle from which a naughty goblin stole it (yes ~ when I was fast asleep. My life is nothing if not bizarre). I searched EVERYWHERE for the missing card and no sign. The only way it can have possibly left my house is by getting stuck to the sole of my boots and trodden out (highly unlikely; I checked the tread and it's not of SIM-card-grabbing proportions) or getting stuck on my bum, falling off in the loo and getting flushed away (my own pet theory). Or God took it to stop me wasting time on the internet (which is quite possible, in my opinion). Or a goblin sneaked in and stole it (my second favourite theory, though I actually believe in God more than goblins). So there we go.

NO BIG NEWS from when I last was "properly" online all those weeks ago ~ EXCEPT I have a horrible old wound on my leg, which is at least 6 weeks old and hurts and just will not heal. The fact that I "might" have accidentally picked at it constantly for the last fortnight after it started itching probably hasn't helped. It was oozing red gunge, so I thought I would "irrigate" it ~ ie wash it out with home-made saline (freshly boiled and cooled water + table salt). This only made the scab soft enough to partly fall off, and now it's oozing chocolate milkshake coloured gunge that reeks (mildly as running sores go, but still disgusting) ~ of rubbish bins. It's only about 1.5"/4cm diametre, tiny as necrotic ulcers go. But I'm worried it might turn into one.

I don't know what to do. I am fed up of being lectured and patronized by doctors about my druggie proclivities.

I covered it in toilet paper taped down with clean newspaper. Think about it, a newpaper fresh off the press is as untouched by human hands as anything else I can think of. 6 hours later I couldn't resist having a good look. Loads of gunge had seeped into the toilet paper ~ and it had dried enough to rip the edge off the scab. Ach!

Now it's covered losely in taped-on (clean) newspaper. Then again it is the 10p Daily Star ~ what's possibly clean about that?? This has stopped the scab getting constantly rubbed off when I walk, which was getting increasingly painful. But the newspaper doesn't stick to the wound. Which will hopefully heal now. Have I done the right thing?

Ach, I must go. Kippers under grill. Hope y'all are well, see yaz!

PS: perhaps I should have maggot therapy


Akelamalu said...

Great to see you back online Gleds but please, please get to the Docs or the hospital with that leg ulcer. You don't want to lose your leg do you?

Gledwood said...

No I bloody well don't. I'm going to A&E after the weekend rush is over. I.e. probably Monday morn...

Gledwood said...

ps hi! Typical me, not saying hello. How rude!!

Anonymous said...

You should think of getting some of that triple antibiotic ointment from the chemist, or buy it on eBay. Also, Manuka honey is useful and has been used in hospitals to treat ulcers more effectively than antibiotics! Melolin or similar non-stick sterile dressings should be used on wounds - not newspaper! - you don't know whose dirty hands handled it before you! Once the infection is cleared you can use Vitamin E oil, or Olive oil to help speedy healing of the skin. It helps to keep infection out and at the same time assists the transport of new cells across the wound area, and helps prevent the itching associated with drying and shrinking scabs! When the scab is no longer needed, the oils help to loosen it again preventing the itching :o)

Gledwood said...

Funny, someone was talking about Metolin... what is that? Last time I was in accident and emergency with a gammy leg they put transparent stuff on it that the blisters leaked out into and gave me super-powerful antibiotics and within 2 months or so I was fine and in 6 months I just had a mark that looked like a 3rd degree burn. But at least I was better! + I never got admitted as an inpatient, which would have been really inconvenient... Thanks for the advice. Do you really think newspapers are dirty. They were brand new from the shop. I couldn't think of anything else to dress a wound with that I actually had around. I can't buy proper stuff till I get money at the weekend...

Anonymous said...

That Melolin (not sure of the spelling) is like a kind of layered gauzy dressing with a layer of what looks like perforated cling-film! The point is that it comes sealed in separate sterile envelopes within the package so you know that each one is clean. If you have any old cotton vests, T-shirts, or pillow cases that you don't need - cut them up into suitable sizes and boil them for 20 minutes. Iron them dry with a hot iron, and put them in a new sandwich bag. Then you can use a new one every day for your wound - better than newspaper! You will have to put something on it though to stop it sticking. Vaseline or olive oil? Have you any recently prescribed eye ointment? That would be gentle and safe enough, antibacterial and possibly include chloramphenicol antibiotic.

You could make a protective "box" to tape over your wound, using expanded polystyrene. I did that once when a woefully inadequate A&E nurse covered a palm-sized raw graze with gauze... Each trip to get it changed was agony (once was more than enough and the second time was the last!) The gauze ripped off the newly forming scab so that it couldn't heal - hence I made the box. It gave the the raw area protection from clothing, and infection, and there was no need to apply anything other than oils/ointments. It worked.

I know you have problems, but you need to look after yourself and keep some basic first-aid stuff to hand. I hope that thing heals up soon (and don't bother with DIY maggots - you don't know where they've been! You can guess though...)

Anonymous said...

Just had a thought - KY jelly is probably the transparent stuff the hospital used! Non-stick and sterile.. ;)

Gledwood said...

Thanks for that advice. I have some handkerchief-style cloth next to my TV that I could boil up and dry.

The "jelly" like stuff wasn't really like KY, it was a sheet of transparent gel, like really thick clingfilm, with breathyholes that got slapped straight on a burn-like wound I had (again from injecting). It stayed on for ages and peeled off without taking anything with it. I think it is used for burns. I need something to go on it that will stick down, yet peel off clean. At the moment I'm using newspaper that I'm going to cut off with nail scissors, leaving any bits stuck on (as they're only stuck on top of a scab, not IN the wound) and when I have money and the weekend rush is over, go to accident and emergency for some proper dressing and antibiotics, if they'll give them.

It definitely needs some treatment. It stinks like dirty nappies or diapers left out in the sun. If I think it's rank and it's my wound, to anyone else it must be off-the-scale disgusting!!

Again thanks for the advice. Common sense ain't that common, y'see...


Syd said...

Get to the doctor and don't mess around. You probably need ascot of antibiotics. Take care.

Gledwood said...

Today I cleaned it out with alcohol wipes ("pre-injection swabs") and it looks way better. I left the dressing off and it's oozing a lot less.
The wound and its gunk really stinks bad, like dirty nappies or diapers left festering in the sun. If I find it absolutely disgusting, I cannot begin to imagine how gross other people are gonna find it... It really needs seeing to quickly. I have to wait till tomorrow (Monday) morning as I'll have cash to get there. Also I want to launder my clothes and make a bit of an effort with myself.

I'm fed up of being sneered at and looked down on for being a junkie, and hospitals are generally the worst places.

O man I can smell the rotten flesh now. It's so rank it's unreal. The wound has a black bit inside, like that woman's on the film. That's where all the rankness is coming from, I'm sure...

Gledwood said...

ps don't worry about me. If there's any sign of this bastard spreading, I'm down the hospital immediately - clean clothes or none!

Bimbimbie said...

Blimey Gleds this sounds like deja vu time - you shouldn't wait when you get a wound like this. A 90 year old friend of mine did the same thing recently - she's in an independent care residence but didn't want to trouble the doctor with her infected foot over the weekend, come the monday she was whisked into hospital for 10 days. I know you're not 90 but don't wait for it to get into your blood stream*!*

Gledwood said...




Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood