HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, August 31, 2009

Carnival Day

TODAY was the Notting Hill Carnival, which is said to be (after Rio) the second biggest street party in the world. I did not go.

I have been to Carnival too many times and hardly had any fun at any of them. The streets of Notting Hill (which used to be home to immigrants, hence the West Indian theme ~ but the tall stucco'd houses are now home to metropolitan media types, "trustafarians" and champagne socialists by the score). Basically the streets are far too narrow to accommodate nearly a million people a day over two days. Every time I went (apart from once, when I rode round on a float all day but that's another story) I came back exhausted, my head swirling with people people people more people ~ a woman in outsized angel wings who you can't get past ~ deafening music and police not letting you round the easiest way. Nasty business.

The worst year, which was the second last year I went I'd gone in the morning after an all-night techno party to a New Age fayre with a cyberpunk-styled former housemate. I didn't realize I was coming down with something, but had something called Jo Rei healing, which is Japanese. Like reiki but less hands-on. Anyway I'm sure this is what blew my brains out because after a day of all that noise and enforced fun but actually no fun I got home feeling a fuse had blown in my head. It might have had something to do with ecstasy comedown on top. But I spent the next week in a bed in a state of total mental and physical collapse. I couldn't get out because the room was spinning so bad. I was sweating so heavily that when I eventually changed the sheets they looked as if several bottles of white wine had been poured all over them. It was then that I decided never again.

(The year afterwards I found myself riding that float I will have to tell you about some other time.)

So basically I've done nothing today. Except I found a table lamp someone had thrown out. I thought it might look cool with calligraphy all over its falling apart shade, which looks silky but actually has the texture of matt photo paper ...

Now I'd better go; I'm in an internet caff who are going to time me out so's I'll see y'all tomorrow ~ cheerio! as HM Edward VIII might have said ...

"Don't drive home from that rave!"

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Semitic Circles

MY MIND is running anticlockwise and in circles. Well anticlockwise is circles; ya know what I mean. I have been reading and writing backwards (practising Hebrew). And because I don't have recurrent phlegm problems, the pronunciation of this Semitic tongue doesn't come naturally either. Not a single word of the 100s I've encountered yet not really learned is even faintly familiar to a native speaker of English. (Except for אוניברסיטה (university) and סטודנטים (students).) E.g. I constantly confuse taxi and hotel. So the chances are I shall arrive at Tel Aviv airport with an original language Old Testament in my hand that I still can't read, step into the road ~ nearly get run over because foreigners drive on the wrong side ~ flag down a car and say "Are you a hotel? Take me to the nearest cab!" At least I know the word for driver ~ נהג nehag ~ so I'll be able to tell the hospital who ran me over.

I must apologize for three days' nonstop hamsters. Did you know there are about 20 species worldwide? So only 17 left to go! At one a day we'll be finished mid-September. (Joking!)

I am reading an "absorbing" tome about the Royal Family. It says Prince Philip has (or used to have when he was younger and more "dashing") discreet affairs from time to time, but HM the Queen didn't mind, as she prized loyalty above fidelity.

Unlike the late Princess Diana, who's portrayed as mentally unstable. Partially because she couldn't accept it was merely traditional for the Prince of Wales to have a mistress. She wanted Charles all to herself ~ crazy lady! Camilla Parker Bowles's great-grandmother Alice Keppel, incidentally, was mistress to Edward VII. His wife, Queen Alexandra, even allowed her to be present at the old and ailing King's dignified, nonmelodramatic and very royal deathbed scene.

The local Morrisons have restocked up on butterscotch Angel Delight and sold me a whole (and not budgie-sized, unlike Tesco's) hot roast chicken for £2. I couldn't help noticing the man in front of me at the till was paying £3.97 for one that was smaller and raw! So anyway I'm eating well. In fact if I eat any more chicken I'll grow feathers and start cooing. The day before my £2 find I had purchased a pair of enormous breasts for £2.80. I gave them a good rub-over with curry powder and cooking oil and slammed separately in the oven. One for 45 mins 200F preheated; the other for the same time and temp but from cold. Both times I left the fillets in the hot oven to cool. The first was a little overdone but the second luscious and absolutely perfect.

Now I must go, I've an appointment with a Linguaphone tape and some more "spring" cleaning ~ with only a couple of days till September this is getting rather urgent.

Also I must dash to the launderette. I've not a clean stitch to wear. I don't take my clothes off these days, I peel them.

Must dash. Cheery-bye and till tomorrow, y'all!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Winter White Siberian Hamsters


IF I DO get hamsters again, I might go for Winter White Dwarf Russian hamsters.

They are normally sold as just "Russian hamsters" but there are two species. In Europe winter whites (phodopus sungorus) are the most popular. They are very good natured with people and each other, hardly ever bite. They are about twice as big as roborovskis (phodopus roborovskii) and far less flighty by nature. Winter whites DO make very good pets for children.

They are named "winter white" because (provided you don't leave the lights on all the time), the reduced daylight hours in winter make them lose the characteristic grey colouring and, depending on the individual, go anything from white-grey with spots to almost pure white.

In America, "Russian hamsters" are more likely to be Campbells dwarf hamsters (phodopus campbelli) , which come from the same Siberian regions. In natural coloration they look very much the same, except the characteristic dorsal stripe is less marked and there are no black stripes round the flanks.

These are said to be less good-natured than winter whites. I used to have one winter white and one Campbells who lived together and found this to be true because the winter white was perfectly placid, whereas the Campbells absolutely hated being picked up! But unlike winter whites, these can be bred into a vast array of colours.

Coming from the Siberian wastes as they do, Russian hamsters of both types have the thickest and softest fur of any hamster species. They even have fur on the soles of their feet!

Of course, this being Furry Friday on Saturday I have to add that baby Russian hammies are very tiny ...

... and cute!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Just Before The Weekend


I HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM last night. That I was drawn into the most gigantic cave I've ever seen. A "cathedral cave" I think some people would call it. The entrance was over six storeys high and draped with what seemed to be amazingly patterned spiders' webs or dreamcatchers. You can see a dreamcatcher illustrated to the left. One of the hippie techno-trance clubs I used to frequent back in the "day" hung these all over the place. They're some Native American hocus that New Age types like to hang over their beds to "catch" the bad dreams or nightmares. But I have to say the one night I did spend under such a "catcher" I had the worst nightmares I had experienced in many a long year. This incidentally was the bed of an unnamed individual associated with the Hippie Trance Club I mentioned. At the club, incidentally, I think they were there to capture people's bad trips from the psychedelic "candy" folks were wont to imbibe there. (I distinctly remember a "designer" drug called 2CB was all the rage at that time.) I'm not sure that worked either ... the dreamcatchers not the 2CB ...

I can't remember too much about this dream, apart from the most amazing cave entrance... and once I got in there I discovered a wonderland too fantabulous for words ... Which is a neat cop-out, as I had the dream at about ten in the morning (I always dream heavily whenever I sleep in) and it's now past eight at night.

In other words I've forgotten nearly all of it. But I do remember it featured red London buses, international travel (within the cave) and a very trendy nightclub-type bar. Which is no connexion with the hippie trance party I mentioned earlier, as the bar there did hardly any business at all, except in bottled water. People who went there were far more interested in whooshing the night away on "E"s or trips ...

Now on to hamsters. People have asked, have I considered getting new ones? Yes I might get Siberian hamsters, or "winter whites" as they're sometimes called. Twice as big as roborovskis and about half as big as a "regular" hamster, these are social dwarf species who, unlike robbies, don't mind being handled and can get extraordinarily tame, if treated in a patient way ...

And that's about all I have to say. You can read more about Siberian hamsters in tomorrow's Furry Friday on Saturday ~ which comes online at midnight 01 hours local time ... that's about 10 or 11 am Australian time, and 7pm Eastern; 4pm Pacific for you Americans ... oh yeah and 1am in most of continental Europe.

Anyhow I must dash off now ... Cheerio for now!!/Ta-tar!! ...

Illustrated: a dreamcatcher; various caves; roborovski hamster; winter white Siberian hammy ...

Thursday, August 27, 2009

No More Pumblechooks For The Trotters

NO MORE TROTTERS AT ALL, in fact. with poor Spherical having passed away in her sleep mid-afternoon.

I am hamsterless and bereft.

Not long ago I still had three tiny trotters in a tank, just like tiny meerkats they loved one another and did everything together.

Itchy was the tiniest and bottom peck. Poor swine! This meant the other two treated her as their baby, grooming her half to death. Every day, when she was young, she would appear soaking wet from the (literal) licking her older sisters inflicted on her. Wet fur bashed up all over the place, she looked like a Porkshire terrier that had just got out of the bath.

Bashful took it on herself to be chief housemaid. When I gave them paper strips and cardboard, she chewed these into a nest. Hence the scruffy appearance of their former nest-collection (they rotated every few days, between three or four nests, all hamster made like the one I videoed). This is the one piece of film of the trotters (see yesterday's post) I managed to take and it's a miracle it ever got on Youtube at all, as I hadn't a clue how to put it on. The internet shop man very kindly did all the clicks for me ...

Spherical was so named because, compared to the others, she always seemed so enormously tubby. Looking at other people's roborovskis online from time to time I used to think, Why are my hammies so tiny? It turned out the smaller two were "runts". They never got any bigger than juvenile size, and died the first. But "Spherical" for all her tubby name, was really of normal robo-build. She was 5cm/2in long, about the length of my thumb.

The roborovskis used to sleep all in a heap in the same nest. At one point they had a lightbulb box full of seeds. It was my way of making sure they always had an emergency supply of food but they turned it into a bedroom. When I used to appear cooing with more dindins their three little pink noses would appear quivering at the entrance hole as if to say "What is this? Why are you disturbing us this early. You know we're nocturnal ..."

But it's no more pumblechooks from now on. These pumbles are the interior seedheads from red peppers, which they adored. Pumblechooks not to be confused with bumblechooks (from green peppers), tumblechooks (from yellow ones) or kermumblechooks (yellow ones with green blobs on). And if you believe that, you'll believe anything. I might be mad but I'm not that loopy

What shall I do now? This is the end of an era.

A grand state funeral is in order ...

... I don't know.


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Furry Funeral


I noticed over the last few days no midnight squeakings from the wheel. A hamster going off its wheel is like an Irish person going off drink ~ it's totally out of character.

Shortly after Bashful's death, she slimmed down and became little and runtlike just like her and Itchy. She stopped being so active and hobbled around. Also her senses faded, so that I could put in my hand and she'd jump out of her skin when finally she realized it was there.

That is quite a weird thing in a rodent. Rodents after all rely on their senses to survive the great outside ...

I know when hamsters are on the way out, so it wasn't a great surprise...

But this is the end of an era. I am now completely hamsterless.


THIS was Itchy, Bashful and Spherical when they were alive:

If you want to comment but can't see the box, move cursor to envelope signal and commentary option should appear ...

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Need to Clean

I'M out and about, floating around, doing my "chores" ~ which consist of picking up methadone and purchasing more Angel Delight. (Isn't life painful.) I noted the local supermarket are totally cleaned out of butterscotch flavour, which is mostly down to me. So I had to compromise and buy the (slightly) yukki(er) own brand.

I'm not that addicted to Angel Delight. I've never done more than three packets in a day. Usually I do just the one. That's 300mls of nutritious milk I'm taking in, I tell myself. Along with artificial flavourings, colours, sweeteners and a gluey conglomeration of modified potato and milk starches and sugars. Yummmmmmm!! It does whip up a treat.

Which reminds me, Own Brand "Strawberry Whipping Desert" is on sale at just 6p a pack. Added to 250mls cold milk it's a tasty treat for all the family. The local Turkish "masaj" parlour also do something similar-sounding to Strawberry Whipping Desert. But theirs costs £135. Can anyone think why...??!

But now most urgently I turn to the subject of the day: cleaning. A singularly thorough "spring" clean is in the "offing". At present my accommodation looks like Al Qaeda have nuked a pigsty. Which is not pretty, let me tell you.

My one consolation is that I can behave like the housewives in the movies, shake-rattle and rolling with the feather duster as Linguaphone "Ivrit" עברית blasts at top volume.

Yeah man: Barbra Streisand in The Way We Were learning French as she piningly awaits Robert Redford to return home ...

Does anyone know where feather dusters might be purchased these days? Perhaps Harrods might do 'em. After all, they're "never knowingly undersold". O no that's John Lewis. But Harrods used to boast they'd get you anything. Didn't they used to stock lion cubs in the pets dept.?

Anyhow I must fly. Do have a charming day y'all ..!!

Look at this trotterdonkey lion from Harrods playing in a field:

The way they were; the way we all were: young and beautiful ...

Monday, August 24, 2009

New Cassette Player

I AM PROUD OWNER of a brand new cassette player from Argos the shop that sells everything ~ in order that my hardcore Hebrew
הכלב צ'יקו הגיע אל המרפאה בגלל בעיות קשות וגירוי חריף באזור פי הטבעת
can make some sense to me. The course is so oldfashioned it's on cassette only. Two of the books are exclusively in
לפני שבוע עברנו מסימילאק(טופ 3) למטרנה (שלב 3), היתה ליובל בשבועיים לפני כן קיבה רכה פה ושם, אבל גם קיבה קשה ולא שלשול.
So now I'm £23 lighter and (hopefully soon shall be) a one stately language of modernity and antiquity heavier.
So I sincerely hope, at least.
As I mentioned before, I have already familiarized myself with the Hebrew alphabet, both in printed and "script" forms. The printed letters are those in scribal forms, as used in most newspapers and books. "Script" letters are derived from 19th century Yiddish handwriting ~ they differ just as much (if not more) from printed letters as does the Russian alphabet than ours. It took me more than a week just to get a rudimentary reading knowledge of Hebrew but I'm glad I bothered as the course I'm now using barely troubles to teach the alphabet before launching directly into what appear to me to be quite sophisticated dialogues with no transliteration whatsoever. The one concession to the learner is that dialogues are printed out "pointed" # that is with vowel dots under the letters, rather than unpointed whch wd lk smthng lk ths but it's the way Hebrew-speakers have always preferred to jot down their tongue ... What I'm glad of is that this new alphabet book gives an accepted way of copying down Hebrew letters in standard printed form ~ the way you might wish to write on a public notice or poster for example. There are too many similar-looking letters to reliably invent one's own style of characters without fear of creating absolute confusion in the eyes of a native Hebrew-speaker (if they were unfortunate enough to clap eyes upon my notebook-doodlings.
Anyway it's past 2pm and I must dash. Busy busy busy! Never a moment to spare today. Which could put me in a very bad mood if I let it but I'm keeping positive. So cheery-o now y'all!!

Saturday, August 22, 2009



Meerkats are some of the most entertaining of all animals to watch.

Meerkats are highly social animals and do everything together.

They're only 1ft (30cm) tall, ie slightly smaller and slighter than the average house cat. This is their characteristic "sentry" pose as they watch out for enemies in the Kalahari Desert region of Southern Africa they call home.

Meerkats are closely related to mongooses and similarly have a huge natural resistance to venom of many types. Yes, they eat scorpions. Plus a very varied diet that includes everything from insects to tree roots ...

They can even survive the bite of a puff adder, which would ordinarily kill a grown man. Here's a clip from the BBC's highly acclaimed Meerkat Manor series:

And baby meerkats are tiny (of course)

and very, very cute ...

(here under infrared light in at Australia's Mogo Zoo)

When they think the humans aren't listening meerkats talk with a Russian accent, as "divulged" by this advert series for a British price comparison website. The ads have been so successful that one football manager from the former USSR cannot open his mouth before team-mates start quoting the famous commercials for Compare the Meerkat dotCom:

Have a happy weekend, y'all..!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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