HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Slow Control

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I'm fed up of complaining about myself as if I'm somebody else. I suppose this is the point. I'm trying to grab the controls to my life with both hands and steer in the right direction.

For so long nobody has been steering at all. The only way I've gone forward is in time, because time marches on. But in every other sense I'm going nowhere.

I think I'm going to go back to NA again. At least NA meetings are full of addicts who (somehow) cleaned themselves up and got lives back. I haven't a clue how any of them managed to do it, but somehow they did. I know NA works. I've seen it work. I just hope it might work for me!


Baino said...

Awesomly Awesom, do it. Write yourself reminders and post them all over the flat to guilt yourself into going when you're feeling less positive.

Gledwood said...

That's a good idea. There's a meeting once a week that's quite close, and I really have no excuse for not going. Still haven't been for weeks on end. Of course. Gotta start going again :-)

Jeannie said...

Maybe that's a good idea! Perhaps just being around those who have done it will be inspiration enough. Go for it!

Gledwood said...

That's what I was hoping. I am too trapped by my own thoughts of hopelessness and helplessness. That is called "learned halplessness" - apparently

Syd said...

Good for you. I am rooting for you. Go back to NA and put your heart and soul into staying clean, working the steps, and living a good life.

jams o donnell said...

Excelent, go for it! One of my dearest friends was an addict. She got off the heroin in the late 80s and has been clean ever since. It hsas not been easy for her but she's done it

I wish you the very best

Gledwood said...

Syd: thank you. You know you're not traditionally considered "clean" by NA until you're off methadone and ALL drugs including alcohol, so it's going to be quite difficult to go "clean" in NA-terms.
I also decided though that I will concoct my OWN system of sobriety. One that includes the NA system, but is not limited to it.
I am never going to get myself into the dangerous situation where someone with so many months or years clean pops a prescribed sleeping pill, then says "I've used!" And a day later is back on heroin and crack! All for the sake of a sleeping pill.
That's why I am doing clean on my own terms and if I need meds off the dr I will take them and I will always remember I am a heroin addict and to me clean is about not taking heroin. Other people can keep their ideas to themselves. I've had trouble enough and it is all down to heroin. I was never an addict until I took and got addicted to heroin. Once I finally chuck heroin out of my life I know I will not want crack - gave that up 18 months ago - crack is only any good with heroin to go with it. Drink I have to stop for at least a year. When I went on Subutex-buprenorphine I couldn't face alcohol. So I can't see any problems. Without heroin I can't see that I'd want any drugs at all. Akh. Goodbye heroin!

Jams: the late 80s?... Wow. That makes over 20 years clean. Wish I could say that one day :-)

Gattina said...

It would be nice if you could stop drinking ! aren't drugs enough to get a view of a beautiful world ? Usually drinkers are not druggies and vice versa. You must be an exception.
No I never learned steno, I never needed it either because I was told what to write in what language and I did the texts myself. I have no idea about steno.

Sweden said...

good luck and best wishes for your step to become clean, it's probably not easy, i still do drugs but more now very rarely and i made a decision to quit coke forever, such a expensive useless drug, im not ready to give up the pills yet though lol
and im cutting down drastically alcohol, i may drink 4 times a month now if that.

I hope all goes well for you, and that you can finally kick the habit in the butt!!!! xoxox
It's a great decision Gleds, i'm hoping it works for you.

Whitenoise said...

Good for you, Gled. Been waiting to hear this for a long time...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood