HI FOLKS. I've still got goblins in the broadband so I'm at the internet place round the corner. I tried logging into my neighbour's system, but could't crack their password... Oddly though there are two networks, BTOpenZone and BTHomeFon that will let me, after registration and a costly SMS payment, log in for the princely sum of £3 for an hour, £5 for a day or £39 for a month! So what is this? Broadband for those who can't be bothered to get it installed? I was on mobile broadband before, which worked perfectly until ... GOBLIN ATTACK!
I could also take the computer to the public library, which is wifi'd up, but I'm afraid of getting infections in the machine... is there any risk? If so, what is it..?
WELL IT'S A ROCKY ROAD to recovery of any kind, as I'm discovering. Every time I try, or even think I'm somewhere near level ground some PERSON will appear, ANOTHER PERSON ~ SOMEONE ELSE will come in and throw everything up in the air, like a mad psychiatrist shovellng cows' diarrhoea in his rose-beds.
All I want is to be left alone.
And to feel OK.
My biggest, biggest problem with methadone is how lousy I feel when I wake up in the morning. Unless I can save the entire dose all day and sleep with it next to me,ready to drink at 4am ~ so I can get up before eight with the level in me high ~ then I will wake feeling like a block of ice, unable to get warm (yet sweating heavily if I wrap up) and craving craving heroin out of my mind while the methadone takes its one hour twenty minutes to come on. (Yet another thing I hate about methadone, it takes so very long to kick in, even if you've been sipping it faithfully for years.) You'd think that by the time I feel OK again I AM OK, but that doesn't usually happen. My mind's in so many pieces by this time, it never goes back together all day.
The worst days on methadone are such empty stretches of blank despair the only constructive thing I can do is go back to bed, cursing my body for ever bothering to wake up and wishing I could have some slider switch installed on the back of my head so that when I'm depressed I can sleep for 23.5 hours out of 24. And when I'm not depressed sleep not at all (sleep, after all, is a big waste of time if you have anything to do). When I used to work proper hours I never had any time outside work for anything except jumping in the bath, eating and going back to work. The entire rest of my life was spent working or sleeping.
I didn't have particularly good mental health in this period.
If I had only discovered heroin many years ago, I'd have gone on it then. Back in the days when the only cure I had for depression was cakes and cocoa and lying in my Arabian Nights style bed with about 15 pillows and eight quilts watching telly. I also used to smoke one cigarette a day. Just the one. Which I'd ponce each evening off the mandy secretary downstairs...
Then along came heroin, a far more efficacious painkiller. And life seemed amazing for a while. The first two years of full-on heroin addiction were like Christmas every day. I got to use my drug of choice morning, noon and night.
Of course I had to beg on the street to get the money to score ~ but even that was a novelty. And I was young.
And didn't look like a bloated, puffy old alcoholic ~ which is how I looked at my worst.
Anyway I decided to throw that life in the trashcan of the past. Still everything is going badly. (Actually I don't expect things ever to go well...)
And I must run. Else the goblins in THIS computer will time me out!
See yers all soon :-)
My year of under-achieving
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As has become traditional - in that I did it last year - I am ending the
year by looking back on my lack of achievements, an antidote to all those
"Look wh...
2 hours ago
12 comments:
Bonjour Gleds. You've got goblins in the broadband and we've got geckos on the brain! The thing just will not go away! Take care. Love from Simi and me. xx woof!
let your done sit in your mouth and under your tongue for 5 mins and it will kick in
Gledds,
Good luck with everything. I am happy to read an update on you.
Sending love from the States,
SB
Go get the freebie wifi at the library. Your puter will be fine. Just throw some freebie anti-virus / spyware thingy on there and it will be all good. AVG free works good as long as you make sure to get the free stuff. It can be a little tricky to get the free stuff as they always point you towards the pay me now stuff. By the way, connecting to a neighbors open wifi router isn't any safer for your puter than the library. If the worst should happen and you have to do a reinstall of the Winders, just make sure you keep a back-up of your key files. Those little flash drives are cheap and work OK for back-ups though some might disagree.
I wouldn't worry about the puter too much. Anything that goes wrong software wise can be fixed. Even busticated hardware can be put right as I have done many times. It seems the goblins and the methadone are bigger problems for you now. Oh and you don't have to be an alcoholic to look puffy and bloated and old. Nature sure can play some cruel jokes. Now go outside and bark at the moon you crazy guy you. It can be very stress relieving and helps to keep the neighbors a little on edge. Ciao.
Hope you get the goblins sorted soon. x
Ach.... the goblins... they are coming!
THE BOGLINS I TELL YOU!
Ah, the methadone blues.
Methadone is an excellent treatment for most addicts but pure depression hell for some.
I feel your pain.
I also think you can go to the library without any problems. Install Avast that's free and a good anti virus. That way you have to go out of your hole and the fact that you write and are in contact with us can only be good for you !
I was wondering what happened to you and thought you were not blogging anymore !
Kick yourself in the ar.. go out and blog !
Hi Gleds, finally unpacked and computer up and running. I have found that with methadone split dosing works much better.I am prescribed it for pain and I split dose 3 times a day. It works much better than taking it all at once. Just my two cents...Be well...
Things will go well one day, gleds! Just hang on in there and don't give up hope. You must hang on to hope.
Thanks for all your the comments, Folks. Sorry I've not been about. Hopefully I'll be able to get back online by next week.... The GOBLIN IS DEAD!
Ah hah! Remember when drugs use to be fun? We were happy when were high, in love with our opiates, and then those opiates turned on us. Those opiates made us poop our pants. When we weren't riding the train, the train was running us over.
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