HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, October 08, 2011

Thanks Bimbimbie

THIS PICTURE is courtesy of my Aussie friend Bimbimbie, whose name means "birdie-wirdie" or "place of the birds" in the local aboriginal dialect. She knows red king parrots or "king reds" as I call them are my favourites and this is what flapped down from the trees only a few hours ago.

If you go to Bimbimbie's blog you'll find endless snapshots of rainbow lorrikeets, sulphur-crested cockatoos and other delicacies direct from her garden.

So this is my feathery Friday on Saturday. Thanks Bimbimbie!

As y'all may have noticed I have been feeling down and flat for nearly a month now. I'm hoping the mood swing is petering out. Because that's all it is, a mood swing. Just as my OTT excitements are mood swings too. It's hard to accept that how I feel is labelled and illness. The "sickness" part lies not in the undulations but in the extremity of the the highs and lows. I have been "high" enough to be hallucinating voices from the walls, have seen spirals everywhere, especially in ceilings, which I stared at a lot, seeeing as I was going "up". I once saw a purple face appear in a man's neck at the Nutter Club I used to attend before it was disbanded due to lack of funding (my one lifeline snatched from me ~ thanks NHS) so I have had extremes. I've also had weird ideas when I was low but am too paranoid to describe them in any detail. Not because they're real to me now. More that they're too embarrassingly nutty.

Well I wanted to ask y'all who've followed this space for a long time, do I really seem nuttier now than I was before the last year when I knew I was labelled "schizoaffective"? I'm not sure I'm any madder than I ever was (between the extremes). Just that there's a name to it. I am, I believe, what is known as a cyclothymic personality. That just means someone whose moods swing up and down, in and out, like high and low tides. You could say we're all cyclothymic then, but it's a matter of degree. I'm rarely on a truly even keel for very much more than a week. In bad periods I seem to have been up down left and right all the time for weeks and weeks on end. I am not claiming to have been at the very extreme of how up down left right it is possible to be. Merely that I was to some degree in some such direction.

Well this is solipsistic twaddle yet again. I am trying to heal. I am doing my Spanish every single day for at least half an hour if not 90 minutes or more. Every single day. Without fail. Everything else has been half-cocked as my sleep has increased in line with my depressed mood and low energy. I think some days I must have been sleeping 16 hours. Not in one single go, but endless dozes, then ultra long periods in bed. I haven't timed myself as i'm no longer interested.

There was a time when I knew something was wrong, didn't know what it was, knew most of the doctors were barking up the wrong tree by calling it depression triggered by drug abuse (when actually I abused heroin because I never felt truly well and heroin did make me feel truly well. At least for the first couple of years. Thereafter I was truly addicted. So take from that what you will but don't take this as my blessing that anybody young, lost and vulnerable ought to experiment with hard drugs. I would be horrified if anybody got themselves a habit because of me. I'm anti drugs yet still a drug addict (on 99% methadone; 1% heroin ~ it's that 1% I'm fighting against). Hence the shifting sands of viewpoint you'll encounter here.

Now I must go it's getting late. Have a marvellous weekend everybody thanks again Bimbimbie, and don't get pecked by a king red!


bugerlugs63 said...

I've not read this post yet . . .I'm in too much rush to ask u somut while u on line . . .I cant seem to comment on my own blog??? ie. answer other comments.
Was so pleased to see the old hamster there on my blog. I dont think u patronizing in the least . . all good advice. Wasn't expecting UK readers let alone thinking international!! but having clicked on all the headings (to find out what they were) stats it turns out says that there are many readers (!!) from all over . . Good God :-) Yes I've read Bimbimbie & a few others . . I only followed you but got lead to others . .& only really commented on yours & Annas. So So happy to see u here & there.
missed you
love as always

bugerlugs63 said...

ok have read it now. Sorry to have commented before I read . . .but I know you not "there" for long . I've only read you (daily) since Jan 2011, I've looked at random past posts to see, roughly, how your journey had been. And who I am to commment on whats "mad", "normal", "illness" etc. Its a difficult one because there's only you that knows the true extent . . .and how it feels to be you.I know you have made massive progress with coming off the gear . . .huge and it takes some getting through, possibly years to "stabilize" a bit . . maybe never,I dont know (yet) But you are interesting & talented blah blah blah . . (wont embarass you with the rest) and maybe all these "attributes" come at a price :-)

Gledwood said...

You comment on your blog same as you comment on anyone else's but make sure you're signed in else you'll have to use the name/url function to get your name in. If anonymous commenters are blockaded you won't be able to comment at all without signing in.

I don't really know how mad I seem. I know I have gone to extremes but most of the time I'm in between raving mad and normal and I wonder if that shows. I know something is wrong as every now and then I realize I'm "ill"... even though I resist against calling myself "ill" if I didn't accept something was wrong I'd not be able to live with myself.


bugerlugs63 said...

Ok thanks . .yep I signed oin . .even joined up as a follower of myself (?) to see if that worked. Not blocked "anons". When I post it comes up . . .Input error. Cookie value is null for form restoration (?!WTF!?) Is this even English? It aint french or spanish thats for sure . .do you recognise it? sorry to be such a nuisance . .. even now I have got somewhere to write . .I'm still overloading your comment boxes. Soz

Gledwood said...

Nothing 2b sorry for!

I follow myself anonymously so I'm not counted as an official follower but can see what everyone else sees in the following boxes. I noticed when I put something depressing in the first few sentences I get fewer comments probably because people tune out!

bugerlugs63 said...

Thats a good bit of advice thanks . . start off buzzing & sneak up on em with the doom & gloom :-) love it.
Does it happen to you where u miss a letter out of a word, then when u go to insert it . .In it goes but it takes the following letter away!!! How annoying is that? and how solveable?
Are you back on line or depending on library etc? That probably doesn't help how you feel as I imagine most of your friends are on line . . .do you feel isolated without your computer? I think I might now I've got used to it. I've finally signed up to virgin media . .works out £1 a day which seems very reasonable. I hope you feel some good energy soon.
much love

Gledwood said...

The man in the internet cafe repaired my machine for FREE over a month after it broke. He had WAY better screwdrivers than mine.

Yes be aware of what shows to your followers because they do seem to decide or not to decide on what you put. I once started with "I'm about to tell you the most deliciously embarrassing secret of my life. It all began when I was naked in a public shower cubicle in a campsite in the south of france..." some such crap. I got loads of comments saying you bastard! Because the post degenerated into something like a sausages and baked beans recipe.

What you can do to get more readers is google something bizarre like chinese takeaway chicken balls blog find the first blog listed under that and basically blog hop via the comments (leaving your own each time) so you're jumping blog to blog... eventually after 50 blogs (and you get to some really weird stuff, trust me) you might well end up in a loop of people you know. Its really good fun. I call it a blog-hop. Of course you're subtly promoting your own blog by your own unexpected comments but I was none too subtle half the time and just said look I'm hopping the internet to see what I can see and you're welcome to hop round mine. People are surprisingly nonjudgemental most of the time (re the drugs issues). I've noticed people have changed to me more since I got diagnosed mad. Which could hurt me a lot if I let it but I'm a pragmatist. Difference being: drugs are temporary ~ something like schizoaffective or bipolar says something about who you intrinsically are (that's how I see it). I'm not ashamed of who I am, but I do find people's fear a bit annoying. Am I suddenly going to axe murder them in their sleep now? When before I was just pyoinging myself all over with needles... I mean... Ho hum. Well that got THAT off my chest har har!

PS yes I did feel v isolated without my computer. And LOST.

Gledwood said...

ps the other way you can blog hop is by starting at a friend's blog and clicking on commenters you don't know and get sideways into cyberspace that way...

Gledwood said...

i just read that back that looks really patronizing i meant the other way I HAVE BLOGHOPPED WAS by doing that


eyelick said...

What a pretty bird!

Eye haven't been reading on blogspot except these past few months (upon getting sick of facebook and some other sites) but have gone through some of your older stuff, including your old blog. Can't really say you seem nuttier, not really. Maybe you just notice it more?

So happy you're doing Spanish! All on your own, too - not studying it because you have to take a class. It's not like eye don't want to learn, but would eye find the motivation to do it without one? Not so sure.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I don't think you are more nutty than before the professional labeling. I think lots of the labels are manufactured to keep those docs busy and in business.
There's a diagnosis for everyone but the docs and I'd luv to peek in their medicine cabinet and see what they're taking.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

I love that lorikeet.
Years ago I wanted to get one, but I was discouraged by the liquid diet and droppings.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood