HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, November 28, 2011


EVERYTHING'S gone pear-shaped this past week. I completely lost my Mojo thanks to depression. Depression turned me to heroin. Heroin made me "happy" for a while. I want the clinic to reduce my methadone dose so I can get off off off all these opiates. As long as I'm on a level dose the itch to use is there. When the dose is declining I feel galvanized towards getting clean. That's how my psychology works. I can't see any life any future. I asked a friend who's on Subutex after 35 years plus on heroin whether he feels his life is over now and he said of course it's over that's why I'm seeing a psychiatrist. I would like to see some examples of people who come off opiates and actually live as productive members of society instead of committing suicide. I would have thought suicide was the more popular option. There's not much to say I'm crowding in here in a bad mood shopping bags and all. Food shopping. Not interesting shopping. I've got to go now.


Furtheron said...

I can't speak from personal experience but I do know a couple of ex-opiate users, of course I know them as alcohol was the next/final thing they had to kick however they are there, they get up, get bothered and get on with it... it can be done.

I hope you can do it too.

Adrianna said...

Non sono una persona cativa, ma il problema non e in mani mie.Penso che Anna e stupida,lei fa troppo problemi,per lei stessa. Ma cose che io fa?
I think you know anser, ma you no wanna do.
Wen you wan do, you will do and I wait.You okay just takes time, los so che la vita e una merda, lo sai?

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean,i gave up gear 5 years ago but after about 10 months of anxiety and depression i caved..now i think maybe i should've been guided onto anti depressants...I do know people who got clean and stayed clean too.Its just time,time for your brain to readjust its chemical balance.And some humane help would be useful,but in todays Uk theres not much hope for help,the Demisconning us party is too busy robbing the local amenities...
Hope you feel better soon xxx Annie

Baino said...

Treat it as a relapse. Get back on the horse.

bugerlugs63 said...

O you do sound pissed off :-(
What happened to them moving you?
I'm sure you know best how your psychology works . . . but when you were on a stable, level amount, say a month or two ago, you were engaging with stuff, learning languages and you didn't want drugs anymore. It seems since you have started to decrease your dose, or started again from 30ml that the depression has crept in. Of course I can only go by what I read and your enthusiasm levels on this blog. But just thought I'd say. I know you hate methadone and it is hard to find a good level . . . but there is a level where you neither feel zonked out or jittery and "wanting" . A while back it looked like you'd found it. Maybe the decrease was too soon?
I do know a couple of examples of people finding life after H. Like Annie said it takes a (long) while for brain chemicals to adjust and settle. I hope you're feeling a bit better and get back on-line soon.
With love

eyelick said...

Aw, sorry you're depressed. Special you, you're the only person's page eye'm going to visit today, prob bc your post was near the top! Eye feel like an asshole but oh well. People having lives after opiates, most of the "post opiate" ppl eye know are on methadone. Others have switched from methadone to pills. Far as people who aren't on some kind of substitution of any kind, eye know 3 people who are perfectly happy and being productive (school and/or work) and opiate free. Neither of them reduced through methadone, all of them detoxed in jail. All of them took advantage of in-jail drug treatment programs. Two continued with NA for some time afterward, only one still goes. All of them have been clean off opiates for two to three years. What will sound like it's hopeless to/for you is that two of them only were hooked on heroin for about three years, they are younger (20s.) One is on psych meds. Both very occasionally will use marijuana, alcohol, or psychedelics. But one of these clean people is 50. He was on heroin for something like 25 years. He seems healthy and happy, he has work, he's able to stay clean without any treatment after jail, he uses NO drugs or alcohol of any kind. Not even stuff like Xanax. Oh wait, there's a 4th person who had a 5 year habit, he's about 60 now and quit bc of a girlfriend, but he switched from that to alcohol then to methamphetamine. But the 25 year guy seems like he could be pretty inspirational to you! His wife and brother in law both are still addicted, so he had to move away from them after jail. But eye don't know any "post methadone" ppl, so maybe it's different. But maybe it isn't TOO different, just a longer process bc you'll still be on SOMETHING a while, and far as "actual" drugs, you'll just have to rely on good ol self control or lots of negative association, because it's not like you're being forcefully torn away by being incarcerated. Do they give methadone in jails/prisons over there? Over here, policies differs state by state. Eye only know about CA, AZ, and NV. California's great about it, Arizona will just have you suffer, and here they will give it to you if you're a clinic person - if someone else picks up your dose and drops it to you in jail, and if it's medical (pain), you have to see a doctor for them to prescribe pills to you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Gleds,

I haven't used for 10 years and no longer have any desire to. Since quitting H I've gotten a law degree, married a beautiful woman, started my own business and built a house. I hit rock bottom and decided that I actually wanted to live. I knew that life on gear is not any sort of life I wanted. Once the decision was made, it was literally like a switch was flicked and I never used again. No NA, no religion, just life. It took a year or so of feeling like I would never be able to enjoy anything again (apart from H of course), but eventually it all came back. I was sure that I ruined myself but I was wrong. It can be done. Good luck! Jason

Anonymous said...

I quit Heroin/crack 3 years ago after a 12 year habit and 25 years of substance missuse, and then I did 2 years of a slooooow methadone taper to ease myself back to reality,No NA/AA, just the cold hard facts that it was my choice because I cant get my head round that higher power stuff. the last 6 months of methadone were a real low dose- around 5ml down to 0.2ml!! . Its been a year of non-opiates and during that time i've got a diploma, and now work for a local charity (samaritans)- i also now have a family that supports me- finaly! . I've had to slowly learn who I am, what i want and how i feel, it takes time and effort but it IS possible to have life after drugs. good luck, stay strong and you may just get there in the end!

Gledwood said...

thanks for all the messages sorry I didn't reply earlier they mean a lot to me!

Anonymous said...

Catching up on the blog... I know dozens of ex-opiate addicts that are clean and happy most of the time. I've been clean for 15 years, and I don't miss it anymore. It took a lot of work in the beginning, a lot of suffering with cravings, dealing with life on life's terms... etc. Even when life turns to shit, or I am in a depressive episode (chronic depression, started before the drugs) I still don't want opiates. A may have a fleeting thought, but it's nothing like it was. Of course I'm a member of a 12 step program (gasp!) so I suppose that makes me different, or weak, or stupid, or a liar, or something. The way some people look at 12 step programs used to make me so angry, but I don't care anymore. I'm happy and I never have to be dopesick again.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood