HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

New Socks etc

WHY are socks so expensive? I bought just three pairs today ~ as nearly all my other pairs have holes in them ~ and they cost £5. When I got them home I realized why. Because they're knee length and woolen. But the others they had on display were just too thin. Would get holed straight away...

I keep getting these ill feelings I don't know why. There's no point going to a GP, the GP won't be able to help me. I need a psychiatrist. I feel really wooly headed. I keep waking up what feels too early. I don't want to go into it any further than this. I'm just really glad I'm taking the pills and am trying to remember to take them like clockwork every night.

Did the news about that Italian cruise ship go worldwide? It's lying there off the coast of Italy like a sunken city. Even from beyond the clouds it looks huge...



Lion "attacks" child through glass at Wellington Zoo...



Deepside: Shudder (1992)



Have a nice day/evening everyone...

12 comments:

xo lilly (my life unspoken) said...

Gledwood.... its 5.12am here in australia..19 degrees C already outside. think i need a quik nap before i face another day. the italian cruise ship disaster is all over our news, shocking circumstances hey. xo Lilly

jams o donnell said...

Don't stint on socks!

bugerlugs63 said...

Knee length & woollen are just what you need (ha geddit?;-)
Yeah that cruise ship thing is horrendous. Imagine being trapped in a room (above water for now) waiting . . . Doesn't bear thinking about but I can't help myself. Nightmare.
I didn't see the news yesterday. A storm was forecast and they were concerned it might fall off the ledge that it's "stuck" on and go under. Very worrying.
I'm off to post my latest "plan"
Take good care. With love x

Akelamalu said...

Those socks will keep your legs warm!

Katie B said...

the cruise ship thing ain't that horrific really......what would have been horrific is if the cruise ship would have been in the middle of the ocean, with no land in site. that cruise ship ran aground 150ft from shore. alot of the peeps swam. ok its a shame for the really old people, i get that. the captain should have stuck to his route. it's not like he wasn't used to that path, he did it twice a week for the last 14 years or something. so why would he deviate from something so routine to him .....hmmm..the plot thickens.....never believe anything in the main stream media.

Anna Grace said...

Hun, why have you stopped posting every day? What's going on? I need to hear from you daily. I don't know why but you comfort me very much to read a new post daily from you.

May God Bless you

Anna Young

Maureen said...

Yeah Gledwood, Why aren't you posting daily? We ( anna & I ) and the rest, LOVE to hear from you.
Blessings,
Maureen

Corporate Entertainment said...

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Close Friend said...

Re: Gleds. No worries; he should be back online soon, and no doubt he will explain things. :-)

riostarx said...

Hey, I just wanted to say I read a bit of your blog and got massive identification. Like you I have a mental health problem and a problem with heroin and crack cocaine. I am also in a 12-step fellowship (in the middle of a step 4 as it goes, bloody nightmare). Anyway, I just wanted to say that I've managed to get off methadone and anti-psychotic drugs in the space of a year, and while I'm still battling with crack cocaine things seem to be getting better. It's a slow process and painful, and you sound angry: of course your angry your a fucking addict! I'm always angry! But there is hope, I hold onto that. Hamsters aren't really my thing, I'm more into handbags, but just because your an addict doesn't mean their aren't a million and one other aspects to your personality. I wish you all the luck in the world and know that there is a solution if you want it (which sometimes I 'decide' I don't). I'd love to hear from you but understand if I don't. Cheers for reading this. Rio xxx

Merle said...

Hi Gleds ~~ Just a few lines to thank you for commenting
on my brother's updates when I was in hospital 47 days and I am so glad to be home now, but that long in hospital leaves you very weak. So I am going slowly and carefully trying to get back to my old self.
Take care of yourself my friend, Cheers, Merle.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood