HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Midwinter Feeling


IT IS ICE COLD here in London. The weather forecast said "normal weather for January". It feels a lot colder than normal. I sleep under four layers, I'm so cold. You can see passers by's breath as they go past.

I had a bad reaction to some tea I drank the other day. Four cups over the course of an afternoon was enough to put me on a high then a down. The up and the down turbulently mixed together and I felt very paranoid and weird. I think I'm hypersensitive to caffeine. Two cups of strong tea in the morning seems to be OK. I've had one today to see if I feel any better than on two. I might have to cut out tea and caffeine altogether. It never made me feel "high" until I got a manic "high" last year. But it did used to make me anxious, which made me give it up for a few years, and the anxiety flew away.

I have been feeling mentally wobbly for a while and had a really crap day yesterday. Paranoia and depression with anxiety: but paranoid, depressed and anxious about nothing at all and everything simultaneously.

If I wasn't on antipsychotics I think I'd be having a really bad time.

I was going to talk about tiny tits in the trees but I haven't seen any. Blue tits that is. When we had a birdfeeder when I was a child, our garden seemed to be full of them and great tits, which are slightly bigger.

I hope you all are feeling OK.

I finally get paid tomorrow which is a relief as I got the current non-lot of money early because of the new year. Which means it's gone quicker. I've had to borrow £15 just to survive. I must have spent it carefully as I still had £5 yesterday...

My foot is slowly healing. Maybe the vitamins from the salads help with it..? Who knows. I know that eating salad is meant to be better than not eating it. I know it's not very wintery but it's the only veg I can stomach at the moment (apart from baked beans which allegedly count towards the 5 portions a day recommended by The Government.

And last but not least my methadone has finally gone down to 55mg and is going down to 35mg over the next ten weeks. It's all planned out so no need for doctors' appointments between now and then. I can't wait to get OFF the stuff completely. Really can't wait! If all it's going to do is make me feel "normal" why not feel normal on nothing? I'm taking the last bit slowly though. Don't want to be one of those people who goes running back screaming on to it again. I know a LOT of people are said to do that. I can think of two off the top of my head. Well time's ticking must go... see ya next week.



Illustrated: a blue tit in the snow

12 comments:

Akelamalu said...

Glad to hear you're still eating your 'greens' and cutting down on the Methadone.

Everytime I log on here I get the following message
Warning: Something's Not Right Here!
gledwood2.blogspot.com contains content from www.colectiva.tv, a site known to distribute malware. Your computer might catch a virus if you visit this site.
Google has found malicious software may be installed onto your computer if you proceed. If you've visited this site in the past or you trust this site, it's possible that it has just recently been compromised by a hacker. You should not proceed, and perhaps try again tomorrow or go somewhere else.
We have already notified www.colectiva.tv that we found malware on the site. For more about the problems found on www.colectiva.tv, visit the Google Safe Browsing diagnostic page.

If you understand that visiting this site may harm your computer, proceed anyway.


and quite often my computer seizes up whilst I'm on here. Not sure why, do you know?

Anonymous said...

Hi gleds,glad you are still on track and still enthusiastic and realistic about coming of the methadone.The negative feelings you describe are exactly what i felt when i was last clean....everyone told me they would pass but i found i had to pull myself together for responsibilities that couldn't wait and so i failed and went back on the meth.I wish i hadn't,i wish i had chosen subutex,a much better option...but you have a reaction to subutex?So i guess i was one of those who went back screaming for their comfort blankie...at least you are aware.
Annie x

Gattina said...

I didn't get a message like Akelamalu, strange ! Carry on, it will get warmer and spring is coming then we all feel better !

Furtheron said...

Nice tit... I mean the photo - really good photo

Good news on the foot and the dosage... every step is a step in the right direction

Bimbimbie said...

Good to see you are getting your dosage down ... little steps and all that :)

I love my mugs of tea but if I drink too many I get a dull headache and the shakes - so I always have a glass of water in-between which seems to help quite a bit... What about green tea have you tried any of the different flavours - I've got a Moroccan mint one on the go at the moment which is refreshing.

bugerlugs63 said...

Yes well done on the methadone . . you will feel the cold more as you cut down . . . But spring is kind of on the way.
I hope you're enjoying payday and buying loads of deli sandwich ingredients. Fruit and veg will defo help you heal. My fave at the minute is easy, cheap(ish) and good for you.
Halved red grapes, halved & "stoned" cherries, chopped apple. All with a very generous coating of Onken Black cherry yoghurt. O yum. I suppose a little drizzle of honey wouldn't go amiss?
Have you seen that ad for "Netflix" with the hamsters going about their stuff in their houses? Bless the swines.
Take good care. With love x

lgsquirrel said...

Hi Gleds,
Sorry I haven't been round for awhile. Sounds that you are doing better. Wishing you a blessed 2012.

Baino said...

I can't start my day without 2 cups of Irish Breakfast tea. Never made me racy tho. Coffee does, had to cut that back big time. Good that you're eating well and yes, bananas and baked beans (not together of course) are meals in their own right

karl said...

Hi Gledwood,
WOW 120mls to 55mls is one hell of an achievement. If I dropped my meth by that much I wouldn't be on any at all.
Take care, there's some particularly good gear about,if we've got it where I am, it's sure to be in London.

Ps. I've been getting that warning about collectiva tv. for months.

Gledwood said...

Re the warning: I don't know which widget it relates to but I'll have a look for it and try to take it out!

thanks for the messages everyone :-)

i hope i do feel better in spring...
i hope you do too!

Calamity K said...

Hey Gleds,

It's been so long that I wouldn't be surprised if you don't remember me plus I have learnt the hard way that if I want to keep myself employable, I have to hide both my own addiction and my reading/subscribing to blogs about it. Employers apparently google you name and I doubt they'd look kindly at the mention of heroin in any way shape or form, regardless how good a graphic designer I am. Thought police have won.

Not entirely though. This is my other me. Calamity K. I've already started the blog entries. I'm using it to talk about my unsavoury past and eventually will mention my addiction. Basically my platform to tell any truths that would make me unemployable without having to censor myself for that reason.

You're welcome to my blog:
http://calamityschildaverygoodgirl.blogspot.com/

Just please, if you do remember who I am (we discussed typography once), then keep my id to yourself. I will be starting a more public blog which will mainly focus on graphic design and ideas, how I approach creative problems etc. That's more befitting potential employers. You know how judgemental people can be. I don't like having to hide part of me, if anything I'd like to stand up as an opiate addict that doesn't fit the stereotype in anyway. But that would just lead people that don't know me to label me as the stereotypical addict. The only addicts people read about in the paper are the granny mugging, child murdering low-lifes. It's like the idea of a decent, hardworking, kind and caring addict frightens people. They just can't and won't accept it preferring to hold on to the stereotype. People don't like their views challenged because it challenges their values and beliefs. Which makes me think they must be really insecure about them. If you're interested in the truth, you won't mind, even will welcome having your views challenged and values re-assessed.

That will do for now.
Take care and keep warm and safe.
xxKxx

Treatment for Sex Addiction NYC said...

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood