Sink the Titanic!

AA is scuppered for tonight. I was going to go down to get their big book. But money went to my head and I went out compulsive spending on 5 DVDs for £10 ~ war films of all things [& Chinese takeaway]. I far prefer black & white war films to Westerns. So I'm watching Sink the Bismarck! I understood the German at the beginning, which still feels weird. And I bought a book in German this morning called Narziß und Goldmund by Hermann Hesse; the title means Narcissus and Gold Mouth. Goldmouth might be somebody's name but I haven't a clue what the book's about. It looked interesting at the time. I don't spend half an hour deciding to buy anything now. I just get it. Then I get it home and wonder why I wanted it but still it's better than buying heroin (isn't it?) Akh I could do with some gear now why do I... o yeah methadone dose due. + risperidone.

I thought it was a forlorn hope these war films would be dubbed into German what with WWII and all. But I got French on a couple. I supposedly speak French. Har har har to that one. I'm still learning Chinese, really slowly. If I take on any more languages I won't have any time left.

Learning to speak Chinese and supposedly brushing up 2 more which I do "speak" well enough to go live there (which means a good basic knowledge ie A levels). German has sailed far past A level into Proper territory. Not that you'd think that to read my German blog, it's very pidgin in expression. My focus in languages has been Understanding not speaking. Got nobody to speak To for one thing! If I can get off Methadone and get a new passport, I can go to Berlin on a cheapo flight. I'd luuuurve to see Berlin. It's the only town in Europe I know of that can seriously vye with London and Paris. Paris is amazing. French London, basically. I dream of Paris repeatedly. Been there twice, had spent more time wandering the streets than I had of London, when I moved here!

O there's some fantastic cartoon Nazis on this Bismarck film. I like the British First Sea Lord. I'd quite like to be a First Sea Lord. It sounds like a nice title to have. Anyway he's a real no nonsense old boy.

I'm watching this film in black & white smoking away on my Sterling Superkings (break the ends off, roll ya own later) so I'm only on 10 fags a day... anyway I'm watching this film thinking of my late grandparents wondering whether they used to stay in after blowing all their money down the Casino (loved gambling did my maternal grandmother "she used to go nuts at roulette" said my Mum. (And I wonder where I got my love of roulette from! I grew up with my own WHEEL!!! Know how to chip down on 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10 or 12 numbers as well as the obvious 18 on red/black. It shocks me that some committed gamblers don't!

We don't have a double zero here. And you can bet on zero, 0 & 1, 0 & 2 and so on. I used to have Real Money Roulette on my old phone. Lost £200 in free bets on that and blackjack. Blackjack is just crap, you barely win anything, so you barely lose anything either. I used to know all the terminology but rapidly forgot it. After like an IDIOT I put my old phone down in the Druggie Clinic!

19:20 O they're FALLING IN LOVE [on Sink the Bismarck]: v chirpie birdie girl and crag faced guy under the First Sea Lord (who I want to be). Hierarchically under. It's not porn. When Matran the Ratman got chucked out ... [deleted Matran/Laundretta porn story!]

Heroin heroin heroin. Crrrrrave crave crrrrrrrave! I'm waiting for me methadone to come on. It's taking AGES! I really could do with some lovely brown (if I can find a needle somewhere. No idea where there might be one, having chucked all I could find away. Literally every single one.)

Oh I've got to go this stupid thing went and posted without asking me so I'm off.


ST ETIENNE: JOIN OUR CLUB "chemical-friendly zoom mix"



ST ETIENNE: JOIN OUR CLUB REMIX play this music with the above video
o boy it sounds dated!
i 1st heard this and recorded it off Pete Tong's friday night radio show on bbc radio 1



Illustrated: me after compulsive shopping. But my breasts are bigger. Har har. No I'm not really a woman I'm kidding.

Here's footage from an Ecstasy rave called Vision at Popham Airfield (E Anglia?) 1992



CARL COX going into GROOVERIDER; AMNESIA 1991 UK RAVE (not ibiza)

I got three second hand books for £2.45 just now: Margaret Thatcher: The Downing Street Years (hardback) (don't think I'll be reading this one page by page but the lady at the counter said, "well you never know till you try it" ~ a motto for life, that.) The other two were Kitty Kelly on Frank Sinatra His Way (I know he had a thing for hanging out with the maff, but I'd love to find out just how sinister that man actually was) and a historical-meets-present-day (Da Vinci Code-style) tie in, The Last Secret of the Temple by Paul Sussman.

A member of my family very kindly sent me a whole load of shorthand print-outs, Mr Gregg's 1929 Anniversary manual. Online aficionados all say 1929 is the best version of Gregg shorthand.

The doodling is a way of spending nervous energy as much as anything else. My goal is to write shorthand as fluently as longhand: imagine how quickly I could knock out that novel of mine then~!!?! To help with this task I raided the local Ladbrokes of about 150 free pens. Well they owe me something back, the amount of money I've wasted in their betting shops. (£1, £2 a time, I hasten to add. I may have the odd "flutter" ~ as they call it when the royal family engage. Have you noticed the way the Queen never "knocks back booze" but "has a tipple" hmmmmmmm... yeah I may have the occasional flutter but I'm not stoopid ~ one vice is enough for me... Having said that, I've never been one for "tippling" ~ knocking back the booze is far more my style!!

The "Dilaudid" hydromorphone polymer implant I mentioned trialling yesterday isn't a cut-and-dried situation by any means. I've not been offered a trial at all. What I was trying to say was, I've found out this new therapy is available for junkies and those in chronic pain where a polymer implant, loaded up with Dilaudid, is slotted under the skin and stitched in. This is highly reliable, giving no initial surge and not, apparently, tailing off too badly either. In other words you get the intended dose on a constant daily basis for up to three months. I'm interested because I don't think methadone's "personality" really suits me. The "hold" it gives is nearly always thinner than it's supposed to be, and far from blockading any of heroin's effects, when I've been on my methadone dose alone for a few days I actually become more sensitive and less tolerant to heroin. Which is not really what's supposed to happen...

If I want to engage in any trials it will be up to me and my worker to find them and hustle to get my name considered. I think I should be a prime candidate because nothing I've tried has worked for me ~ not the way it's really supposed to work. I know a lot of that is down to me, but at least if I do get to try this, I'll be doing it by my own volition...

So wish me luck with the quest for I've nary a clue where to start seeking...

... oh and one last (very mundane) thing. Does anyone know how I get seemingly chronically burnt-on carbonized ashiness off my "nonstick" Ikea wok? I haven't dared use the rough squiggly side of washing-up sponges (are they safe?), nor have I gone anywhere near bleach, clothes washing powder or any other tricks I've been told. I've soaked in hot soapy water but to no avail. And being as Teflon seems so incredibly sensitive to anything that might scrape it off I've no idea what to do to declag this pan. Advice: please!

PS: Of course that woman's not really banging up gear in her forehead; she's taking Botox!

ROBOROVSKI LUUURVE!
See how they do the robo-kissy-kissy "thang" just about every time they come face-to-face...