HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I got three second hand books for £2.45 just now: Margaret Thatcher: The Downing Street Years (hardback) (don't think I'll be reading this one page by page but the lady at the counter said, "well you never know till you try it" ~ a motto for life, that.) The other two were Kitty Kelly on Frank Sinatra His Way (I know he had a thing for hanging out with the maff, but I'd love to find out just how sinister that man actually was) and a historical-meets-present-day (Da Vinci Code-style) tie in, The Last Secret of the Temple by Paul Sussman.

A member of my family very kindly sent me a whole load of shorthand print-outs, Mr Gregg's 1929 Anniversary manual. Online aficionados all say 1929 is the best version of Gregg shorthand.

The doodling is a way of spending nervous energy as much as anything else. My goal is to write shorthand as fluently as longhand: imagine how quickly I could knock out that novel of mine then~!!?! To help with this task I raided the local Ladbrokes of about 150 free pens. Well they owe me something back, the amount of money I've wasted in their betting shops. (£1, £2 a time, I hasten to add. I may have the odd "flutter" ~ as they call it when the royal family engage. Have you noticed the way the Queen never "knocks back booze" but "has a tipple" hmmmmmmm... yeah I may have the occasional flutter but I'm not stoopid ~ one vice is enough for me... Having said that, I've never been one for "tippling" ~ knocking back the booze is far more my style!!

The "Dilaudid" hydromorphone polymer implant I mentioned trialling yesterday isn't a cut-and-dried situation by any means. I've not been offered a trial at all. What I was trying to say was, I've found out this new therapy is available for junkies and those in chronic pain where a polymer implant, loaded up with Dilaudid, is slotted under the skin and stitched in. This is highly reliable, giving no initial surge and not, apparently, tailing off too badly either. In other words you get the intended dose on a constant daily basis for up to three months. I'm interested because I don't think methadone's "personality" really suits me. The "hold" it gives is nearly always thinner than it's supposed to be, and far from blockading any of heroin's effects, when I've been on my methadone dose alone for a few days I actually become more sensitive and less tolerant to heroin. Which is not really what's supposed to happen...

If I want to engage in any trials it will be up to me and my worker to find them and hustle to get my name considered. I think I should be a prime candidate because nothing I've tried has worked for me ~ not the way it's really supposed to work. I know a lot of that is down to me, but at least if I do get to try this, I'll be doing it by my own volition...

So wish me luck with the quest for I've nary a clue where to start seeking...

... oh and one last (very mundane) thing. Does anyone know how I get seemingly chronically burnt-on carbonized ashiness off my "nonstick" Ikea wok? I haven't dared use the rough squiggly side of washing-up sponges (are they safe?), nor have I gone anywhere near bleach, clothes washing powder or any other tricks I've been told. I've soaked in hot soapy water but to no avail. And being as Teflon seems so incredibly sensitive to anything that might scrape it off I've no idea what to do to declag this pan. Advice: please!

PS: Of course that woman's not really banging up gear in her forehead; she's taking Botox!

ROBOROVSKI LUUURVE!
See how they do the robo-kissy-kissy "thang" just about every time they come face-to-face...


18 comments:

Catvibe said...

Maybe if you boil some water with a little baking soda in your pan, the ashes will come off with a sponge.

Good luck with the hopes to find and get into the trial!

Gledwood said...

cheers: I'm glad I still actually have baking soda: I've been using that for brushing my teeth!!!

Aunt Reeny's After Thoughts said...

Hi Gledwood. Catvibe beat me to it.....boiling baking soda in the wok will work a charm.

Gledwood said...

i'm going to try all that in a sec...

David Tellez said...

I love reading autobiographies. It's something to do with how people live there lives, what they went through, how they got there and overall the impact their lives had on people. I guess that's why I like blogs so much. Oh and I totally wanna check out The Last Secret of the Temple...sounds like a good read!

And for that procedure, I guess I still don't get it. I mean, I guess the three months of shots is supposed to help but for how long? After all, things like Botox, liposuction and other proceures that require the use of a needle are only temporary. Like a quick fix to our problems. They don't neccessarily help out in the long run. Then again, this procedure might be different. Still, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you're able to find exactly what you're looking for.

David Tellez said...

I love reading autobiographies. It's something to do with how people live there lives, what they went through, how they got there and overall the impact their lives had on people. I guess that's why I like blogs so much. Oh and I totally wanna check out The Last Secret of the Temple...sounds like a good read!

And for that procedure, I guess I still don't get it. I mean, I guess the three months of shots is supposed to help but for how long? After all, things like Botox, liposuction and other proceures that require the use of a needle are only temporary. Like a quick fix to our problems. They don't neccessarily help out in the long run. Then again, this procedure might be different. Still, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you're able to find exactly what you're looking for.

David Tellez said...

I love reading autobiographies. It's something to do with how people live there lives, what they went through, how they got there and overall the impact their lives had on people. I guess that's why I like blogs so much. Oh and I totally wanna check out The Last Secret of the Temple...sounds like a good read!

And for that procedure, I guess I still don't get it. I mean, I guess the three months of shots is supposed to help but for how long? After all, things like Botox, liposuction and other proceures that require the use of a needle are only temporary. Like a quick fix to our problems. They don't neccessarily help out in the long run. Then again, this procedure might be different. Still, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you're able to find exactly what you're looking for.

David Tellez said...

Whoops! Wow. I did not mean for that to happen! My bad!

Gledwood said...

yeah but this is Margaret Thatcher's autobiog ~ the Iron Lady = not to be mistaken for a human being. Many have made such an error and not lived to tell the tale...

Crushed said...

It's not a bad read, the Downing Street years. Informative, if a little condescending at times.

I must admit to occasionally betting silly money. Like the World Cup and that.

Baino said...

I'd love to know the 'secret life' of Frank Sinatra . . sounds intriguing. When I have a baking dish that's blackened or post roast, I soak it in some laundry detergent overnight, seems to soften all the gungy bits so if baking soda doesn't work, have a crack at it. Not sure if this might help, I couldn't find that particular drug but maybe it has a more generic or commercial name:
http://www.ct-toolkit.ac.uk/about_this_site/purpose_&_scope.cfm#from_home

Akelamalu said...

I was going to say baking soda too.

I hope you find the trial you are looking for Gleds. x

Puss-in-Boots said...

Ditto on the baking soda.

Margaret Thatcher...should be an interesting read. I've read the Frank Sinatra one. Without giving anything away, you'll find it interesting. As for the Paul Sussman book, I've not heard of that one, so will have a look in the library this afternoon.

Hope you can get on that trial. It would be interesting to hear how it works out for you.

The only flutter I have on the horses is the Melbourne Cup but I do like to get a couple of $5 crossword scratchies now and then. They're fun.

My Daughter's Addiction said...

Did you get your pan clean? I think 2 tablespoons of baking soda and 1/2 cup vinegar...boil it for 10 minutes. Let it cool. Then rinse. If you burned the teflon that's not good...

The implant sounds very promising...at least you would have a consistent level at all times.

tweetey30 said...

Hey thanks for stopping by my crafting blog. My primary blog is nbrsspot.blogspot.com.

Gledwood said...

Thanks for the messages everyone... yeah the pan's respectably clean, though it doesn't look brand new. 'Tis good enough to fry fishfingers and that's good enough for me!!

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood