HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Sink the Titanic!

AA is scuppered for tonight. I was going to go down to get their big book. But money went to my head and I went out compulsive spending on 5 DVDs for £10 ~ war films of all things [& Chinese takeaway]. I far prefer black & white war films to Westerns. So I'm watching Sink the Bismarck! I understood the German at the beginning, which still feels weird. And I bought a book in German this morning called Narziß und Goldmund by Hermann Hesse; the title means Narcissus and Gold Mouth. Goldmouth might be somebody's name but I haven't a clue what the book's about. It looked interesting at the time. I don't spend half an hour deciding to buy anything now. I just get it. Then I get it home and wonder why I wanted it but still it's better than buying heroin (isn't it?) Akh I could do with some gear now why do I... o yeah methadone dose due. + risperidone.

I thought it was a forlorn hope these war films would be dubbed into German what with WWII and all. But I got French on a couple. I supposedly speak French. Har har har to that one. I'm still learning Chinese, really slowly. If I take on any more languages I won't have any time left.

Learning to speak Chinese and supposedly brushing up 2 more which I do "speak" well enough to go live there (which means a good basic knowledge ie A levels). German has sailed far past A level into Proper territory. Not that you'd think that to read my German blog, it's very pidgin in expression. My focus in languages has been Understanding not speaking. Got nobody to speak To for one thing! If I can get off Methadone and get a new passport, I can go to Berlin on a cheapo flight. I'd luuuurve to see Berlin. It's the only town in Europe I know of that can seriously vye with London and Paris. Paris is amazing. French London, basically. I dream of Paris repeatedly. Been there twice, had spent more time wandering the streets than I had of London, when I moved here!

O there's some fantastic cartoon Nazis on this Bismarck film. I like the British First Sea Lord. I'd quite like to be a First Sea Lord. It sounds like a nice title to have. Anyway he's a real no nonsense old boy.

I'm watching this film in black & white smoking away on my Sterling Superkings (break the ends off, roll ya own later) so I'm only on 10 fags a day... anyway I'm watching this film thinking of my late grandparents wondering whether they used to stay in after blowing all their money down the Casino (loved gambling did my maternal grandmother "she used to go nuts at roulette" said my Mum. (And I wonder where I got my love of roulette from! I grew up with my own WHEEL!!! Know how to chip down on 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 10 or 12 numbers as well as the obvious 18 on red/black. It shocks me that some committed gamblers don't!

We don't have a double zero here. And you can bet on zero, 0 & 1, 0 & 2 and so on. I used to have Real Money Roulette on my old phone. Lost £200 in free bets on that and blackjack. Blackjack is just crap, you barely win anything, so you barely lose anything either. I used to know all the terminology but rapidly forgot it. After like an IDIOT I put my old phone down in the Druggie Clinic!

19:20 O they're FALLING IN LOVE [on Sink the Bismarck]: v chirpie birdie girl and crag faced guy under the First Sea Lord (who I want to be). Hierarchically under. It's not porn. When Matran the Ratman got chucked out ... [deleted Matran/Laundretta porn story!]

Heroin heroin heroin. Crrrrrave crave crrrrrrrave! I'm waiting for me methadone to come on. It's taking AGES! I really could do with some lovely brown (if I can find a needle somewhere. No idea where there might be one, having chucked all I could find away. Literally every single one.)

Oh I've got to go this stupid thing went and posted without asking me so I'm off.

ST ETIENNE: JOIN OUR CLUB "chemical-friendly zoom mix"

ST ETIENNE: JOIN OUR CLUB REMIX play this music with the above video
o boy it sounds dated!
i 1st heard this and recorded it off Pete Tong's friday night radio show on bbc radio 1

Illustrated: me after compulsive shopping. But my breasts are bigger. Har har. No I'm not really a woman I'm kidding.

Here's footage from an Ecstasy rave called Vision at Popham Airfield (E Anglia?) 1992

CARL COX going into GROOVERIDER; AMNESIA 1991 UK RAVE (not ibiza)


Anonymous said...

hi gledwood,have you never read any Herman Hesse?If you haven't then you're in for a treat...I don't think i read that one but i gobbled up most of his other books in my youth.Journey to the east,Siddhartha,The glass bead game,Steppenwolf...
Remember why you stopped using?Cos you were sick of the heartless wankers who held your emotional and physical well being in their greedy grubby hands.And cos your priceless and we need you...and if you want to use then its entirely your business.I for one understand.But its still dodgy out there as you well know.Anyways,you're probably well over it?..Annie x

Akelamalu said...

I truly hope you didn't find a needle and succumb to that shit Gleds. Be strong m'dear. x

Lori said...

Hi Gleds- Just checking in and glad to hear all is well in your world. I have always been an avid reader. You just made me realize that I need to go to a nice bookstore and walk around. Remember the safety of methadone is not a bad thing. Been on the stuff since I was 25. I have wobbled here and there, (fuck wobble, fell is more like it) but wouldn't trade the peace of mind I have on methadone for anything. Be well and happy my friend..

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Seriously? Well there is a certain irony to your purchase of a movie about a sinking ship and a foreign language; as opposed to a Book that shows you how to be rescued from the sinking ship (in English) of the disease of alcoholism (which isn't too different from where you are BTW (if you read Dr Bob's story in the big book and also Acceptance is the Answer (both are chapters in the big book) you'll see that drugs are a part of alcoholism as well. Heck they even say that in the direction of the book. We try every form of self-deception, drugs, "natural" wines, natural cures, all kinds of stuff.

I find your choice both tragic and almost funny in the tragic nature of it. Devastatingly sad.

Funny thing about the big book in our group. Most newcomers don't have to buy one. We figure if they're brave enough and desperate enough to want one, our members shell out a few dollars and get it for them.

Oh and you ask if I was upset that you called NA a cult. Nope, couldn't care less what you think about NA or AA, you're welcome to your opinion. Others who try it and find that it works, they really don't care that you think that either, but they as I pray for you and your opinions. Any religion or club could be called a cult by definition, there's one separating factor.

A cult, based on the merriam webster dictionary definition, is a great devotion to a person, idea, movement or work.

Thing is, at AA, you're welcome to come and go whenever you want. We don't force ya to adhere, those who think it's done by force don't really have the point.

We care about people who are dying and are so delusional that they don't know they're the walking dead. Can't live in the world, scared of everything, can't stop using even though they sense it really is killing them in a debilitating and ugly way.

I don't stay in AA because I have to, I stay because I care and because I believe in the things they believe in, I stay because it's community of people are like me and want to help others who are suffering, and helping others feels good and helps me.

Did you know the word cult comes from the root word care which comes from the root word cultivate?

Fine line between someone who cares about the program so much that they stay in it at any cost, and someone who cares about suffering people so much that they would stay in it at any cost.

You're welcome to your beliefs, I just ask one question to those like you who haven't even given the place a really fair hearing, as you develop your opinions so readily.

How's your way of life working for ya?

Today I feel connected to society and able to make a living!
Able to get a good night's sleep and wake up refreshed ready to face the day. Feel like I have a purpose and a way to be useful to others. I have great friends who I love and who love me lots. WE can depend on each other in times of need, and celebrate each other in times where we're experiencing great abundance in love, work, life...

I used to do that too, make grandiose negative judgmental statements about other's beliefs. How small minded, angry and petty I was believing i was so enlightened.

bugerlugs63 said...

yes ditto, to hoping u dint find pin or anything 2 put in it.
thought either dr ruth or i was hallucinating when mathew kelly appeared
has he acted before?
ive never seen him in ote. apart game shows.
i kept being very distracted by his features that he used to hide under a beard.
brill acting from dr ruth.(dont know name)

i be back in bit just been got another tank and wheel etc so rajjy reggy can live on his own.
hes a grumpy old man(yes the one who killed his son)
he keeps threatning his other son so best seperated i reckon
before the next full moon!

hope u put that naughty boy back in his place.

a bientot

Baino said...

You think too much. Stick with the program. Sorry short and sweet, doing the rounds before work, just wanted to drop by and see how you're going.

jams o donnell said...

Narziss and Goldmund was the first Hesse book I read way back when I was 16. An utter delight but I found that Hesse is an author I could only read once

Gledwood said...

ANNIE: today, sunday, i got valium instead. i only got 6 blues for a tenner that's surely ripoff pricing isn't it? the bastard selling them goes for top whack but has that or teazapam seemingly whenever i phone, so it's convenient... if ridiculously pricey

AKELAMALU: no needles, no heroin! didn't even look for a needle. don't really want the heroin either it's shit and will only put me backwards...

LORI: i know a good 2nd hand one where i got that herman hesse from. but they're all charity shops! don't pay for books, i need somewhere that gives money as I have about £30 worth at £1 per book. i know what stuff they want and the stuff i have is what 2nd hand shops/stalls go for...
... german books are ideal for a bad attention span like mine. i HAVE to read 'em slow and spend most energy on looking up words i don't know!!

JESS: you are totally missing the point. I wasn't calling NA or AA a cult. OTHER PEOPLE WERE. My own opinion is that it works for people who do it. Like I always said.

And the choice to buy was the choice of the moment. It was an "i'll have this, i'll have that oh shit i can't get the book till monday" not "i'll ahve this instead!"

but thanks for the comment and the direction to that story, the big book is a mystery to me. i do have it in electronic form but as I said i really want it ON PAPER it's a zillion times easier!

BUGERLUGZ: do you know I thought that was Matthew Kelly and though "nah! can't be i'm tripping!" but it WAS him wasn't it...

... did you notice how everyone had their own room. How they had property lockers. Wow! Not like a real psych clinic at all!

danke schön!

BAINO: I know i think too much those pills are meant to slow the brain down and stop ya thinking too much!

JAMS: you read it in English? Or German? Is it called the same thing in English? I just need a notebook to use as a glossary. Where I look up every single word I don't get, write it down in the order it appears, with page numbering, then use that as my index to the entire text afterwards

Gledwood said...



OK the old one wasn't working which is why I altered it towards not using

the present one is OK in that i feel OK a lot of the time

I don't like mood swings that are extreme enough to cause desperation or just incomprehension. People cannot understand me, I can't follow them (at the worst bits) this is the root of this psychiatric stuff. Also I need someone to actually SEE what happens. Now they have. They kept asking whether I wanted to be in the hospital! (No!)

So I'm sorting the moods as first priority, drink as second priority, drugs as third (considering it's just methadone and the odd valium, as of today).

I know drink is BAD for depression, BAD for mood swings hence the desire to STOP DRINKING ALL TOGETHER.

I've cut BACK to my 2 drinks a day after going up to 3.




i will not settle for paperback.

i'm a fussy bastard, always have been always will be!

probably they won't have the proper edition so i'll have to do 90 meetings in 90 days just to FIND IT IN HARDBACK!!!!

anyway i could do with a change from NA, AA is still 12-step PLUS THEY HAVE WAY MORE MEETINGS which is cool so yeah i'm going tuesday

tomorrow is my home group NA

all i ask of AA is it's not overcrowded, you can leave the room without causing chaos and you can make tea DURING the meeting my attention span is terminal, varying a LOT throughout the day but when it's bad it truly is tragically poor, i wish it was otherwise but this is true

i go to a dual diagnosis drugs and drink meeting on thurs. which i sit through for over an hour but that's a strain and you're not allowed to leave but i do it. but there we share in a circle of a handful of clients and the facilitator so i can speak 7 times, at a 12 step meeting i speak once and listen a lot

i know it's sad being so fractured i'm trying and trying to get it together

none of those films i got i can actually follow i have to watch a film 5 times to get the story

i really need an attn. span BACK; it's been lousy for YEARS!

i want that big book i want that book i want it NOW

patience is a virtue i do not have, also i'm terrified of social situations now as everyone just judges me as a junkie, even at na they sneer at me and turn round when i come in, judging me, looking down at me, but i will keep coming back FUCK THE LOT OF THEM it's MY RECOVERY i will not be intimidated by a look i have a loud voice i can make my points clearly

even that causes problems, not allowed to express anger, rage, fury, irritation, confusion, paranoia, despair, elation, ecstasy anything i actually feel as it will be assumed i'm drugged when i'm straight

don't people come off drugs to get what they took drugs FOR free of charge? well I GET THAT FREE OF CHARGE so i'm OK

what i want is their SERENITY

their TOGETHERNESS as people and as a group

those are the things i want off AA/NA


forget the wisdom to know the difference i think i have a good idea what's what. as for serenity that has to wait so it's COURAGE i want in the short term and the wisdom not to overdo it. That's my problem, overdoing anything I do, y'know....

... hope this answers your point!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood