In which Gledwood reveals a true Treasury of Secrets ha ha ha!

I CAN'T SLEEP. I was so fucked up earlier from not sleeping or eating properly (I'm in an "elevated mood" so sleep quite frankly is a waste of time. I never worry about sleeping at the best of times.
Years of insomnia have taught me if you cannot sleep DO NOT LIE IN BED. EVER. GET UP AND PLAY LOUD MUSIC; WATCH DVDs DO SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE. It is ATROCIOUS sleep hygeine to lie in bed awake not sleeping or shagging all the doctors say this anyway if you're properly tired you can sleep sitting up. I never go to bed until I'm nodding off in my chair first. All day I have craved sleep then I walk about and WHOOSH! up goes the mood. I had such an energy surge in the library earlier I had to restrain myself from sprinting back and forth in reference and throwing books up in the air I really went hyper. Pinky won't talk to me any more because I want to die her hair bright blue. Hey you know that really perceptive and insightful amazing post I slapped up on Thursday (wrote it bang like that ~ no editing ~ in a fit of inspiration. I was going to go shopping for food with my second last tenner then I saw Yentl the DVD for £7 in HMV so I got that and ate chips instead. That film has the best score of any musical. Barbra Streisand has the best voice in the world I watched it twice on top volume, first in English then in German. "Where Is It Written?" and "The Way He Makes Me Feel" are probably the 2 best. And I love the performance of Papa Can You Hear Me by that rough kid, Bart's bully whose dad's in prison. I searched and searched for the Youtube to entertain y'all but it is nowhere to be found. Hey I just realized Barbra Streisand and short hair ~ means I must be bent as a £9 note. I used to love pretending to be gay when I was younger. Gets you all the girls does that one. There ain't nothing more alluring than something you think you can't have. I also used to like pretending to be a virgin but everyone could tell somehow I wasn't. No idea how. Actually how CAN you tell if someone's a virgin? I'm a bit old to be a virgin now I'm nearly 40. I can't really be gay BTW.Reason: no belt with huge buckle or tucked in teeshirt also I don't buy cut flowers or rate Kylie Minogue. I did buy some artificial red blooms in my last manic episode but that was just me bieng fl0ral o yeah my cactus is doing really well since I removed his TOTALLY FLASE TOOTHPICK CACTUS-INJURING FAKE FLOWERS. Loads of new growth and I've only watered him once in 3 months. Hey I was thinking of opening a torture parlour as that makes the most money out of every kind of whorehouse does anyone want to dress up in batman masks and spank high court judges members of parliament and top lawyers for £250 a pop? I fucking do, I could really do with a £500 an hour job (you only get £250 as half goes to the house and I will own the house, or rather dank cellar with plasterless walls resounding with the screams of the freshly whipped bourgeoisie. You don't have to touch the bastard clients just lock them in a cupboard. When I found out you could get paid for locking someone in a cupboard I realized I was barking up the wrong tree with my twee career ambitions I'm doing that instead. Melody Lee from New Mexico does Home Invasion rape and torture fantasies on a hardcore sex line so I'm offering her a British visa to be my best pro. She's so pretty, why she didn't get a job as a supermodel, movie star or pop princess I've no idea. I would if I looked like that. O yeah being as I'm all disinhibited and talking about pervy shit let me drop in a teaser: if I get six INTERESTING comments I'll spill FULL DETAILS about my friend masterbating when the window cleaner came round. Ha ha! True story too! And this was a girl with male eyes upon her most intimate orifices. Wobbling atop a ladder. Imagine that! He didn't have to imagine a thing, he saw everything!!! By theway I HAVE GIVEN UP DRINKING 100% why fucking waste time on alcohol when you feel better than drunk, drink only makes you slow and woozy and i'm on a far better buzz than drudgeful old drink could ever invoke I DON'T NEED DRINK. I can't wait to tell Luta duta Puta Muta the motor Scooter (my druggieowrker) I'm off the drink they ALWAYS assume I'm drunk in that place my last breathometer reading was 0.9 which is a QUARTER of the UK drink drive limit ie practically zilch (considering I'd knocked back 6 units that morning) those clinics are so narrow minded. The dr always thinks I'm hypomanic and Buta always seems to think I'm stoned! There is such a thing as a NATURAL HIGH. I'm milking my elevated mood for all it is worth: meaning CEASING ALL DRUG CONSUMPTOIN FOR GOOD AND NEVER DRINKING AGAIN I dont' need any shitty chemicals any more. Only "drugs" I'm ever taking from now on are benzos and I need them to sleep and if anyone thinks the odd benzo is a sin just you try riding the bipolar wave and not popping pills you'l end up with your head in the oven quicker than me I can promise you. I'm asking my dr for 20 diazepam 10s and 7 zopiclone 7.5s per month PRN as I need them. Think of the injustice. Taking diazzies for anxiety is no more drug abuse than popping aspirin for a headache. Yet I'm scoring mine off a scumbag on the street while other people who PRETEND to need the Vals are fucking selling them on the side that is totally corupt. Now tomorrow I'm getting chicken with babycorn with curry sauce and mix vegetable fry rice the Chinese I go to does mangetout in their fry rice it's gorgeous somehow the dryness of the beans sets of the yumminess of the rice. Would you believe it I found an MSG-free Chinese takeaway last time I was hyper I could not believe the travesty Chinese food without monosodium glutamate is like sugar-free chocolate. Or a gay man without a tucked in teeshirt. Utter beyond the pale vulgarity. Like heroin that's not china white. Dealers who sell brown heroin should get death by 1000 cuts in my humble view whereas china white dealers should get a gold medal. Shit I'm still nurturing that inner drug snob addict aren't I. BTW someone once had a go at me for proclaiming the superiority of H4 (heroin hydrochloride salts) over water-insoluble H3 heroin smoking base that's not snobbery that's called RESPECTING YOUR BODY. H4 dissolves cold in water. In Australia where street purity of China White exceeded 70% at times it's not unknown for addicts with 5 year habits not to move beyond the crooks of their arms, the gear is that good. I lost the crooks (that's my "mainlines" to those of you not into heroin) within 3 months because BROWN HEROIN IS SHIT. It's meant for smoking not injecting and no I don't have a downer on heroin smokers it's envy not derision I wish I could have smoked my gear but once I got on the needle that was me lost to 2 vices: heroin and injecting. You honestly do not know how ASHAMED I am even to have had one conversation with my father about my heroin-injecting proclivities. Honestly the looks on my parents' faces when I told them I was acting like a cat on hot bricks in their house for 3 days straight with no end in sight was because I was detoxing off heroin... fucking hell that was an alltime low. I remember pleading with one family member "not to look so desperate" as my poor brother looked on bewilderedly it was absolutely horrible the worst of the pits. After that I took to begging, trebled my habit overnight (£30 a day minimum up from a mere £10) ~ started mainlining a gram a day because I knew I was a junkie and as far as I knew would die one. yes I had a genuine death wish. Genuine. I know I have exasperated people with suicide talk and no action but trust me if I play suicide again nobody's getting any chance to save me. I'm gone. So I keep myself safe. I will go in the nuthouse before I kill myself. I just cannot understand how being in a good mood can be "illness" how fucking shit does life have to be when you have to check yourself every time you fucking laugh because when I do laugh my head off several times a day for no real reason yes it does mean I'm going manic and I'm a manic-depressive junkie how lower can you go than that. Ha! Actually I'm kinda proud of being lowest of the low like that. Right it's 00:20 hrs I've got to piss off and TRY to get some sleep I'm due up in the morning some "lovely BASTARDLY SHITHEAD WHO BORROWED £25 I REALLY COULD NOT AFFORD TO LEND WHO NEARLY HAD ME EAETING OUT OF BINS I WAS THAT FUCKED BECAUSE OF HIM THIS CUNT IS FINALLY PAYING ME BACK AND I'M RELISHING GOING ABSOLUTELY BALISTIC ON THIS FUCKER TOMORROW MORNING HE HAS HIV WELL I HAD PSYCHOTIC MANIA AND I FUCKING HELPED HIM OUT WHEN I SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN A MENTAL UNIT I WAS AT MY LOWEST POINT IN 10 YEARS AND I FUCKING DID HIM A MASSIVE FAVOUR A FEW MONTHS AGO AND HE TREATS ME LIKE THIS IN FACT IF HE DOESN'T GROVEL I'M JUST GONNA LAMP THE FUCKER HE DESERVES IT THAT IS ABSOLUTELY DISPICABLE SWINDLING MONEY FROM THE SICK LIKE THAT
well I won't tell you I'll tell him. That "person" won't know what's hit him I'm giving full vent to my fury and I tell you I am seething with rage if I was more nasty I would stab him over this he fucking deserves it taking the piss like that who the fuck does he think I am. A piece of shit that's what. Well tomorow the ROBOROVSKI ROARS HA HA HA!
night night everyone and don't worry i promise to treat my friend with dignity and respect as i blow my top which i will more i think about it more furious i am i will talk all nicey nicey lure the fucker here then give it with both barrels
see that's what people do: mistake kindness for weakness well not me mate. never again

AMY WINEHOUSE: WAKE UP ALONE

Getting on better

I AM GETTING ON BETTER with my "horrible new drug clinic" thank God. We started out on about as wrong a foot as you can get.

Talking of creditors I did get a note from them yesterday. The real creditors. Asking me to call them. So perhaps some end is in sight. I am considering phoning them today. My support worker is supposed to deal with all that but I don't see him till Thursday. Maybe I ought to leave it till then. I'm just scared of coming back and finding all the furniture gone. Hey it's not my furniture so what am I worried about..? Still not good though, is it? I think this all boils down to the council tax, which I'm meant to be "severely mentally impaired" for. That phrase just means "disabled" and I found out I am counted disabled for going mad. Well I don't know.

Cripes! It is 0950 hrs I have to bolt down the methadonery and drink it. Like an idiot I scored heroin for the first time in over a week. Yes it's gone down to literally one use per week now. Wish I'd remembered I have no veins it was a total waste of time and I felt NOTHING from the £10 bag. Total waste of time. See if I can stop that once per week I can reduce methadone to nothing, too. The clinic doesn't like me using on a reduction that's why they won't reduce me.

Gotta run!




Frost's Scottish Anatomy: Methadone implicated in 1 in 3 drug deaths...

Sued by the council! Yet again!!

I GOT A BAILIFFS' LETTER THIS MORNING for unpaid council tax. (Thanks a lot Margaret Thatcher.) Of course my first impulse was to break open a safety razor and do myself in the throat. But of course I didn't do that. I rang up the council (not the Bailiffs ~ I'm not talking to them) in a tone of confusion. They said I was supposed to give in proof of income months ago. I told them I never got the letter. (And anyway why can't THEY contact the Benefits Agency? Why should it be down to me? Idiots.) They said I must reapply. So heaven knows whether they will be willing to backdate the claim. They should do because I am housed here by a DIFFERENT council. Never in a million years would have chosen to live in this borough (thankfully its Conservative, which means terrible services and really low charges! That's why we have no wheelybins and foxes spray rubbish far and wide up the streets. Low council tax. Hell will freeze over before I pay this bill.

If I am liable, they're getting 50p a month max.

Talking of suicide, the man who sold me the miaow mix (mepherdrone) ~ remember that mysterious designer drug I tried that I didn't even know what it was called? That stuff. Well he was a really nice guy. (And before you call him a "drug dealer" bear in mind mepherdrome is currently LEGAL in the UK.) Well I met another friend of mine in the druggie agency reception; she told me he has DIED. Jumped in front of a tube train! How desperate would you have to be to do that??

When I was depressed once I went to the railway station to study the trains ~ ie which was best for maximum head injuries (the flat-fronted express commuter trains running INto London). One of the drivers actually (somehow) seemed to see what I was thinking and, in the split second before he whooshed on by I saw him waving arms at me. I suppose train drivers must know this sort of thing when they see it. But I'd never in a million years do a tube train. Knowing my luck I'd probably fall down the service trench under the live rail!!

I was supposed to go and see computers today but, thanks a lot council ~ am now too distracted. I feel far less depressed than I was before I got the bailiffs' letter though ~ there's nothing like a good fight to give purpose to an empty life!

LONDON TOWN: UNLIKE NEW YORK CITY, with its five cantons, London is divvied up into innumerable local councils. True Londoners take pride in not having a clue where anything is, (entire areas like "Barnes" escaped my attention for years when I first moved here)... or not being able to pronounce place names like Holborn (I say "Ho-burn" ~ like a prostitute doing the splits over a deep fat fryer) or Theydon Bois ("boyss", NOT bwaah!)

Dark Night and Firework-free

AT LONG LAST I SAW A solicitor today about all my debts and we actually got somewhere!

I have to come back same time next week. We were in an office of the local drugs service, and one of life's bizarre characters came waltzing in, wound up the boss with increasingly confrontational language, claimed not to have a drug problem anyway and not to need any advice. I was just going into the solicitor's appointment when the boss lady was saying "I'd like you to leave in one minute's time or I'm calling the police".

By the time I came out he was gone.

Of course I'm probably going to have a bad credit rating for the rest of my life but I don't want any credit. Anything I want I shall have to get the oldfashioned way, by saving up first (ooo! what a radical idea!)

hmmmmm

My hamsters hiding in their teabox in disgrace tonight after Spherical tried to escape last night. The cheek of it! I am very offended that she thought her own nest wasn't good enough. Tonight I'm refurbishing it big style. Also I noticed their Maltesers tube smells of wee-wee (heavily) - lazy swines! - and will have to go.

No other news as such. I heard a depressing programme about so-called "ME" (I always hated that word. It means Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS. "ME" not only sounds stupid but, as "myalgic encephalomyelitis" quite possibly stands for things that may not even be happening in the condition; namely muscle pain (which, granted, nearly always does plus inflamation or -itis of the brain and nerves.) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a far better description. I was diagnosed with this about 11 years ago and not only felt like a rechargeable battery that's on the way out - ie all energy drained out of me about twenty times quicker than it should have done - but the concentration is fractured and hazed up by this thing called a "brain fog" which people with hepatitis C also get, though I've tested negative for that (quite amazingly). Another thing that really bothered me was so-called "photophobia" which is an aversion to lights, and is one reason I switched the main bulb to a fireglow. It's the only colour that stops all this. Also the hammies cannot see red light so to them it's pitch blackness, which I sometimes forget. Then I'll put my hand in there and if they happen not to have heard or otherwise detected it they'll jump out of their tiny skins when they come across the "alien" among them...

Righty-ho I've got to go!

I have a yucky old Maltesers tube to replace with something more... salubrious.

Fireworking is over! Usually it seems to go on longer past the night. I think that November 5 falling on a Monday concentrated everything into one weekend... righty-ho then

goodnight!

Video of the Day
Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins: Cinzano Ads
When these were filmed he, as Rising Damp's Mr Rigsby and Reginald Perrin (of The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin) was one of Britain's kings of comedy and more famous than she. As I said up there these were, until Dynasty, arguably the highpoint of her career!

Video 2:
French and Saunders: Jordan and Jodie
Click and you'll get three for the "price" of one...

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Puss-in-Boots's Australian buglife find: a giant cicada. Trust me, you ain't seen an insect this big!

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Onedia in the Ozarks
http://onediasozarks.blogspot.comThis is a fascinating blog from Arkansas somewhere in middle-America. The photos aren't bad either...

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German blog of the day:
Chalet-Capogna http://chalet-campogna.blogspot.com

Lost in Paper/Paper Lost

I JUST SPOKE TO ONE OF MY CREDITORS. They wanted proof of my income. Which involves sending in an "award letter". The letter I do have, which states how much I was paid in the last year, although it's from the same government department (it was issued for tax purposes) is somehow unacceptable. "Can't they divide it by 52 and work it out themselves?" I asked. Seemingly not. So now I've got to contact Jobcentre Plus or the Benefits Agency or the Department of Work and Pensions ~ don't ask me which one, they all seem to operate in tandem. I suspect Jobcentre Plus is the building you go to, the Department of Work and Pensions is the one that handles people's claims and the Benefit Agency actually pays people. So now I've to trek up the library and feed more money into a nongeographic phone number* (I hate them!) I'm in arrears (as per usual) which I can't really pay off. I didn't tell the guy I'd been living on the internet and on the floor for much of the time I could have been sorting this out. (I don't believe the papers they're demanding were ever sent to me. Or at least not received.) Oh well. I'm having another drink now and I'm going up the library. Sometimes you have to get off the floor and get on with your life. I turned back here just now to input this because I was just walking past my house to get to the library when my landlord's van came rumbling down the road. His face makes me want to be sick. I avoid thoughts of personal violence in case they escalate to murder. So rather than stabbing him or puking I tapped in this.

Healthy catharsis. Ha-ha!!

*Nongeographic numbers are one of the curses of the age. They cost everyone more money. Mobiles they charge typically 35p a minute instead of 5p, callboxes something like 10p a minute instead of 40p for 20 minutes, normal home phones something like 7p a minute instead of 1p. I'm so glad there's an orchestrated campaign against them. They stink. But nobody's going to do anything about them because (this is the big no-one tells you) companies and organizations can actually make a small income from using these numbers. Yes. BT and the number holder split the difference between the normal phone rates and the ones I just told you. And as I said, I think it stinks.