HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Lost in Paper/Paper Lost

I JUST SPOKE TO ONE OF MY CREDITORS. They wanted proof of my income. Which involves sending in an "award letter". The letter I do have, which states how much I was paid in the last year, although it's from the same government department (it was issued for tax purposes) is somehow unacceptable. "Can't they divide it by 52 and work it out themselves?" I asked. Seemingly not. So now I've got to contact Jobcentre Plus or the Benefits Agency or the Department of Work and Pensions ~ don't ask me which one, they all seem to operate in tandem. I suspect Jobcentre Plus is the building you go to, the Department of Work and Pensions is the one that handles people's claims and the Benefit Agency actually pays people. So now I've to trek up the library and feed more money into a nongeographic phone number* (I hate them!) I'm in arrears (as per usual) which I can't really pay off. I didn't tell the guy I'd been living on the internet and on the floor for much of the time I could have been sorting this out. (I don't believe the papers they're demanding were ever sent to me. Or at least not received.) Oh well. I'm having another drink now and I'm going up the library. Sometimes you have to get off the floor and get on with your life. I turned back here just now to input this because I was just walking past my house to get to the library when my landlord's van came rumbling down the road. His face makes me want to be sick. I avoid thoughts of personal violence in case they escalate to murder. So rather than stabbing him or puking I tapped in this.

Healthy catharsis. Ha-ha!!

*Nongeographic numbers are one of the curses of the age.
They cost everyone more money. Mobiles they charge typically 35p a minute instead of 5p, callboxes something like 10p a minute instead of 40p for 20 minutes, normal home phones something like 7p a minute instead of 1p. I'm so glad there's an orchestrated campaign against them. They stink. But nobody's going to do anything about them because (this is the big no-one tells you) companies and organizations can actually make a small income from using these numbers. Yes. BT and the number holder split the difference between the normal phone rates and the ones I just told you. And as I said, I think it stinks.

36 comments:

-ciao bella- said...

god that is really annoying about the whole creditor thing... i'm sorry

Gledwood said...

grazie!

Kao said...

Paper is always annoying...

I hate papers... specially when the aper is a test... yuck


but only the things in paper know how to be nonsense-like enough so yuo can eve worry about it... emmm I'm confused but... today's world works on paper... so we have to get use to it in order tolive in this world....

it sucks...

anyway..

I've been away from internet too logn it seems..

see you!

Gledwood said...

I agree with you Kao.

Have a look at this, Vatican 10 Commandments of Driving..!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6768395.stm

Naomi Joy said...

oh man damn goverment offices eh?!

gledwood said...

yeah and damn the ******g nongeographic phone numbers; don't u get them in Canada too?

Naomi Joy said...

yes yes we do get those numbers...i tend to not answer!

Gledwood said...

... I was going to say I see what you mean but on reflection I don't ... those are ones that big business use and government deparments. they're not the megacharging 09 numbers (50p a minute or more...) they just cost about 5 times or more what a call should cost on a reasonable saver package ...

Gledwood said...

... but they don't call you; you call THEM~~that's what I'm complaining about!!

Akelamalu said...

Bureaucracy, either by paper or phone, is a pain in the posterior!

Edyta said...

"Nongeographic numbers are one of the curses of the age. They cost everyone more money." <----- TRUE!
Ya know, recently i was at another city here, a historical landmark with museums etc. Good that we had our student cards & what not... CUZ if we didnt... evrything would cost us twices much, that's one thing... BUT sometimes even more THAN twice. It made me sad a bit... cuz NOT actually everyone is filthy rich... & i dont know if i would be able to visit some of those for full prise! that's just over my budget!

Edyta said...

how have u been doing?

Nicole said...

Sounds like you're not having the best day either. Vincent and I have been trying to paint some of our apartment and it's really difficult to work after work. We've cleaned out the small room tonight and patched the walls and I'll sand a few things tomorrow evening and I plan on painting Friday. I also have some paperwork type stuff to sort out that I'm not looking forward to.

Katarina Ducrozet said...

dear you,

i don't think you beleived me when i mentioned my cat is 23lbs, so to really show you i took a pic with me holding him, you get the idea of how fucking lard ass he is.
it's n my blog, pretty recent post.

i almost throw my back out everytime i lift him, which i have to do when he is too lazy to jump into the bathtub (his hang out) or onto my bed where he sleeps

zen wizard said...

It sounds like you are trapped in a Kafkaesque bureaucratic nightmare...good luck!!

(I have to admit some of those Vatican Ten Commandments for Driving are pretty good. Can you go to a priest for "driving confession"? Like when you cut a guy off, and you want to repent? Wouldn't that be cool? Do you have to say three "Hail Earnhardts" at driving confession?)

Get Off My Lawn! said...

We don't have nongeographic numbers in BC, Canada. We do have lots of different phone companies from across the continent constantly calling us over their competitors' lines in order to get our money. But money rules us all. We need it and that really sticks in my craw. Can'trmember the last time wages went up and cost of living went down.

mellowlee said...

Sorry about your troubles Gledwood. Red tape is so much fun eh? I hope something really nice happens for you soon XOXO

sadgirl said...

Gledwood

Hope you are not too stressed by the money stuff going on. I just wonder what it was that got you on the drugs? You have got so much about you that the drug thing is sad. I hope you decide to get clean and have more adventures abroad. You come across so well on your blog!

all the best
sadgirl x

Gledwood said...

Akelamalu : ur damn right!

Edyta: but I though Lithuania was a relatively cheap place ... all things are relative I spose ...

Nicole: papers..! You have my sympathy. Best of luck with the painting

Katarina: yeah I thought I'd seen the cat... hang on let me check ...

Gledwood said...

Zen Wizard: yes it's just like Franz bloody Kafka you're right

Get off My Lawn: no dreaded nongeographic numbers?? How lucky you are!!

Mellowlee: I wish they'd tie up the beaurocrats in their own red tape... like a scene from 9-5 with Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda !!

Gledwood said...

Sadgirl: how did I get onto drugs is a long story... fuelled by foolish experimentation, suicidal impulses, not caring, wanting to be different and rebellion against my peers ... etc etc!

Gledwood said...

memo to self:

recommended interview of the day:

http://gledwoodceleb.blogspot.com/2007/06/ali-g-interviews-david-victoria-posh.html

Ranzige Bunzing said...

Gledwood, do you know what really stinks?
My camel...

ranzigebunzing.blogspot.com

tom said...

The Internal Revenue Service just sent me a note as well...Idiots...I'm going to ignore them for a bit longer.

Anji said...

Thanks for looking at my postcards. Until I set up my business I was unemployed in France and we have lots of forms to fill in send backwards and forwards. Fortunately a lot can be done online - if you have internet. The thing that used to get me has the different closing days. Two bus rides across town only to find the place closed every first Thursday morning of the month or something.

mellowlee said...

9 to 5!! Now there's a flick I haven't seen in forever! Maybeeee I will go rent it this weekend...or not lol! Take care of you xoxo

Mousie said...

So many papers...so complicated...
wish you courage!!!
and a very happy Solstice day, though it's pouring with rain here...
love from Mousie

Naomi Joy said...

i just decided something...i don't believe you when u say u don't know how to upload a photo to your profile when you know how to link everything at the side and create widgets etc. hehehe. :p

Audrey said...

The very mention of paper and benefits agencies, systems and red tape brings me out in a cold sweat and they are just the memories of having to deal with them..

Its incredible just how much our use of paper has increased, I found it especially noticable after I had started using the internet, the amount of junk mail I get is obscene

Keep strong, bit by bit you will get there.

Gledwood said...

Ranzige Bunzing: ~~ o! waah~waaaah!!

Tom: send them a parcel of diarrhoea from me!

Anji: yeah those ridiculous periodic early closing days get me as well. I remember as a child all the shops in our main shopping area used to close early on Thursdays or something. It was supposed to make up for the staff's having to work Saturdays (this was long b4 Sunday trading hit Britain ...)

Gledwood said...

Mellowlee: the last flick my parents went to view while they were still married. My Dad had a real thing about Dolly Parton

Mousie: excellent to hear from you, hope all is well in Plumpiemousie ..?

Naomi: what you say is plausible, but just bear in mind that I've no computer of my own, no digital camera that works and hence have no need to LEARN those things ...

Gledwood said...

Audrey: about paper you're dead right ... remember those overflowing bins next to printers in all offices/colleges/etc ...

thanxx for the words of support

!

g

AintNeverScared said...

Okay, sorry, I'm from the U.S. Can someone fill the silly Yankee in on what these "nongeographic numbers" are?

sadgirl said...

Hi Gledwood

Perhaps doing a post about your path into drugs could educate other people. perhaps writing it down will help you to come to know yourself better.

all the best
sadgirl x

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood