HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, January 29, 2010

Sued by the council! Yet again!!

I GOT A BAILIFFS' LETTER THIS MORNING for unpaid council tax. (Thanks a lot Margaret Thatcher.) Of course my first impulse was to break open a safety razor and do myself in the throat. But of course I didn't do that. I rang up the council (not the Bailiffs ~ I'm not talking to them) in a tone of confusion. They said I was supposed to give in proof of income months ago. I told them I never got the letter. (And anyway why can't THEY contact the Benefits Agency? Why should it be down to me? Idiots.) They said I must reapply. So heaven knows whether they will be willing to backdate the claim. They should do because I am housed here by a DIFFERENT council. Never in a million years would have chosen to live in this borough (thankfully its Conservative, which means terrible services and really low charges! That's why we have no wheelybins and foxes spray rubbish far and wide up the streets. Low council tax. Hell will freeze over before I pay this bill.

If I am liable, they're getting 50p a month max.

Talking of suicide, the man who sold me the miaow mix (mepherdrone) ~ remember that mysterious designer drug I tried that I didn't even know what it was called? That stuff. Well he was a really nice guy. (And before you call him a "drug dealer" bear in mind mepherdrome is currently LEGAL in the UK.) Well I met another friend of mine in the druggie agency reception; she told me he has DIED. Jumped in front of a tube train! How desperate would you have to be to do that??

When I was depressed once I went to the railway station to study the trains ~ ie which was best for maximum head injuries (the flat-fronted express commuter trains running INto London). One of the drivers actually (somehow) seemed to see what I was thinking and, in the split second before he whooshed on by I saw him waving arms at me. I suppose train drivers must know this sort of thing when they see it. But I'd never in a million years do a tube train. Knowing my luck I'd probably fall down the service trench under the live rail!!

I was supposed to go and see computers today but, thanks a lot council ~ am now too distracted. I feel far less depressed than I was before I got the bailiffs' letter though ~ there's nothing like a good fight to give purpose to an empty life!

LONDON TOWN: UNLIKE NEW YORK CITY, with its five cantons, London is divvied up into innumerable local councils. True Londoners take pride in not having a clue where anything is, (entire areas like "Barnes" escaped my attention for years when I first moved here)... or not being able to pronounce place names like Holborn (I say "Ho-burn" ~ like a prostitute doing the splits over a deep fat fryer) or Theydon Bois ("boyss", NOT bwaah!)


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Keep fighting the good fight, Gledds! Have a good weekend.

Love, SB.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. You may not believe this but I know exactly how you feel! Glad you're fighting. Love from Sicily. x

Baino said...

Ah it's up to you because they're trying to stop people rorting the social security system. Same deal here although people in rental or emergency accommodation don't pay council tax.Just home owners. Mine's over $4000 a year! Sucks big time when we don't even have a kerb and guttered road. I do have wheelie bins tho.

Gattina said...

Buy your computer (take a laptop) then you will feel better and forget the council, lol !
My son has his house in Nowood junction and I loved to go to Croydon ! I still do when I go to the UK !

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Gledwood said...

The local council is utterly crap. Big reason I never wanted to move out of my original house share was "because you have to pay council tax" (our landlord was paying before). I remember actress girl looking at me like I was a space alien for saying that: 6 months later, when she HAD moved out she told me "now I know exactly what you mean"..!

Syd said...

Hang in there Gleds. And the rule is no jumping in front of trains or offing yourself in any other way.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood