HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Dark Night and Firework-free

AT LONG LAST I SAW A solicitor today about all my debts and we actually got somewhere!

I have to come back same time next week.
We were in an office of the local drugs service, and one of life's bizarre characters came waltzing in, wound up the boss with increasingly confrontational language, claimed not to have a drug problem anyway and not to need any advice. I was just going into the solicitor's appointment when the boss lady was saying "I'd like you to leave in one minute's time or I'm calling the police".

By the time I came out he was gone.

Of course I'm probably going to have a bad credit rating for the rest of my life but I don't want any credit. Anything I want I shall have to get the oldfashioned way, by saving up first (ooo! what a radical idea!)


My hamsters hiding in their teabox in disgrace tonight after Spherical tried to escape last night. The cheek of it! I am very offended that she thought her own nest wasn't good enough. Tonight I'm refurbishing it big style. Also I noticed their Maltesers tube smells of wee-wee (heavily) - lazy swines! - and will have to go.

No other news as such. I heard a depressing programme about so-called "ME" (I always hated that word. It means Chronic Fatigue Syndrome or CFS. "ME" not only sounds stupid but, as "myalgic encephalomyelitis" quite possibly stands for things that may not even be happening in the condition; namely muscle pain (which, granted, nearly always does plus inflamation or -itis of the brain and nerves.) Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a far better description. I was diagnosed with this about 11 years ago and not only felt like a rechargeable battery that's on the way out - ie all energy drained out of me about twenty times quicker than it should have done - but the concentration is fractured and hazed up by this thing called a "brain fog" which people with hepatitis C also get, though I've tested negative for that (quite amazingly). Another thing that really bothered me was so-called "photophobia" which is an aversion to lights, and is one reason I switched the main bulb to a fireglow. It's the only colour that stops all this. Also the hammies cannot see red light so to them it's pitch blackness, which I sometimes forget. Then I'll put my hand in there and if they happen not to have heard or otherwise detected it they'll jump out of their tiny skins when they come across the "alien" among them...

Righty-ho I've got to go!

I have a yucky old Maltesers tube to replace with something more... salubrious.

Fireworking is over! Usually it seems to go on longer past the night. I think that November 5 falling on a Monday concentrated everything into one weekend... righty-ho then


Video of the Day
Leonard Rossiter and Joan Collins: Cinzano Ads
When these were filmed he, as Rising Damp's Mr Rigsby and Reginald Perrin (of The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin) was one of Britain's kings of comedy and more famous than she. As I said up there these were, until Dynasty, arguably the highpoint of her career!

Video 2:
French and Saunders: Jordan and Jodie
Click and you'll get three for the "price" of one...


Puss-in-Boots's Australian buglife find: a giant cicada. Trust me, you ain't seen an insect this big!


Onedia in the Ozarks
This is a fascinating blog from Arkansas somewhere in middle-America. The photos aren't bad either...


German blog of the day:
Chalet-Capogna http://chalet-campogna.blogspot.com


Bimbimbie said...

Leonard Rossiter was BIG in our house. He was just so funny, didn't even have to say anything. His Mr Rigsby character just standing there hands on hip with that knowing smirk and then the dirty little snigger *!*
I don't remember all those adds but have to put my hand up to admitting underage drinking of the old Cinzano must have been those herbs and spices.

What did you replace the Maltesers tube with?

lime said...

ok, hold the phone.....'brain fog' is an actual diagnosis??? i don't doubt there is a real thing going on with people, but they couldn't come up with a better name for it than 'brain fog?' it sounds liek tom hanks having a fatal 'brian cloud' in 'joe vs. the volcano.'

sorry, but that term (not the condition) just cracks me up, no disrespect intended.

Gledwood said...

Bimbimbie: erm... I'm still working on that one...!

Lime: "brain fog" is just a descriptive term... I googled it and if you read the link in pink it says it can "get as bad as dementia" (from pesticide poisoning)... really it just means "dizziness and inability to concentrate" (!)

Zhu said...

Just wanted to say that I simply love your blog tagline. Beautiful !

Good thing you're trying to sort out yourself financially. ;)

Bimbimbie said...

... forgot to say earlier Magpies do sing, well warble pipelike I suppose
- you'll see next time you look in.

Deb said...

Hi gled...only have a minute to dash over and say hi.

My mother in law was trying to come up with words/sayings you would know.

She told me to ask how your "dosh" is holding out.

She's been here so long she's having trouble coming up with things to "quiz" you about. She loves communicating with people from "home".

I don't like credit either...cut up all my credit cards some time ago and do the same "old fashioned" saving for things as you do. Works everytime!

Take care my friend.

Back soon.


~d said...

(ok, I admit...If I read 'hamsters in the teabox once-I read it a gazillion times!)

And I am such an incredibly FOCUSED person...! (HA!)

I cannot seem to get PAST THAT!!!


Gledwood said...

Zhu: glad the entertainment entertains you!!!

Bimbimbie: never heard magpie singing myself tho...

Debs: Will get in touch with more phrases for her presently... that should keep her entertained!!

~D Hamsters in the teabox? Actually there is 1 teabox and one old box emblazoned "WATER FOR INCJECTIONS 100 PIECES" or something like that.... so as to preserve reader-delicacy I call both of these the "teabox" ... y'know, so's not 2b2 vulgar....

zennist said...

Brain fog is like chemo brain? I have that. Makes me really, really stupid. (crazed laughter) Sounds like you're better, though. Take care, Gleds.

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Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood