HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Showing posts with label teeth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teeth. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tooth Gone ~ Hurrah!!

THE TROUBLESOME TOOTH is troubling me no more. The dentist yanked it out twenty minutes ago!! (I'm writing this around Monday noon.) I am so pleased¬¬!!! For three weeks that thing had been bothering me and I'm pretty sure that site was focus for all the gumzy flare-ups I've been getting. The tooth looked less like a perfect white edifice in pink gum than a volcanic peg jutting from a crater. It was loose. When it hurt most it hurt so much I could barely close my mouth that side, let alone eat. Then all pain faded. Then it crept back but not as bad, y'know, irritating teething "get the tooth out" almost itchy kinda business... The dentist was NOT very impressed by the state of my dental health. Didn't ask how/why/whatever it got like that so I didn't bother explaining it was my MENTAL condition that had got my mouth into such a state. Chainsmoking. The inner front bottoms have gone BLACK. Tartar is everywhere. Some years ago, when I psychotically lost it completely I basically gave up on cleaning my teeth for about a year... they were in SUCH a state... far better now. Believe it or not the "ash tray look" blackening is less than half as bad, after continuous 8-times a day brushing than it was a couple of years ago...
He told me it was the smoking that has caused all this. So I said, "The only thing I can do really is give up, isn't it?" and he said "That's right."
Then he did the extraction, which involved THREE implements. He injected the anaesthetic too quickly so it hurt. I know he did this deliberately. If you don't wanna see bad teeth, why gravitate to DENTISTRY? This I do not comprehend...
The stubborn swine of a tooth took about two minutes of undignified yanking on the dentist's part, to disturbing creaking and cracking sounds that of course resonated right into my ear-'oles... And now it's gone. Not only was it rotten from root to tip, but it had a missing chunk (no wonder it always felt craggy in my mouth). Dr Miserable told me the gum disease from around it had gone right to the root, hence pain on biting down.
I know he COULD, if he could be bothered, have provided a false permanently plugged in one, but not everything is free on the NHS and I suspect that wouldn't be. Receptionist told me hygienist appointments aren't NHS either and they cost £40.
(And I need one really badly.) I think I'm going to shop around.
A few years ago the government altered the dentists' charter, or whatever you call it ~ the system whereby they get paid. So they no longer get paid per job but per patient, which means someone like me is barely worth bothering with because I'm lots of work for same money as a five year-old needing a minifilling... know what I mean. Apparently nothing's to stop me from going to separate dentists for every individual job, so maybe I'll do that. I was well up for being treated as four or five mystery patients but Mr Misery didn't deserve that kind of Brucie Bonus, so I never suggested it...
... So I'm sat here, half my face packed out with blood clots, anaesthetic still killing my palate stone dead... And I'm happy as larry.

THE TOOTH IS GONE:~ HURRAH! HURRAH!! HURRAH!!!

Photos: not my mouth, but you get the drift...

Friday, March 26, 2010

At the Dentist... At last!!

FINALLY! I got to book a dentist appointment for Monday!

My rotten teeth shall be no more!

I can barely eat at the moment because the putrescence hurts so much.

There's a particularly nasty one at the back on one side that wobbles and makes me practically hit the ceiling if ever I (accidentally) bite down on the rotter!

And on Monday all these problems shall be gone!!

Is this too good to be true?

Read what I have to say on Monday, and see!!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Blank:

I DON'T know what to say today. I feel so blank! I could not think of what furry animal to put up. And rather than put up a picture of my blankness (nothingness) here are some colours from a paint chart.

I shouldn't complain but one of my biggest gripes of living in this type of rented accommodation is that you're not allowed to decorate and I would love walls in duck egg blue... leading through to light blue... to turquoise in different rooms or areas. I think dark blue furniture against light blue walls would look really good.

So there we have it: my thwarted interior decor ambitions!

I don't know what else to put. My yukky inflamed (but totally non-dramatic looking) gums are going down. If anything they were too WHITE rather than too red. what is that?? I pre-empted what the dentist would probably say to me and treated them myself. Once they're hopefully OK again then I'll get the appointment. I need a scale and polish so bad.

Well have a good weekend everyone and I hope you don't feel as flat as I do ~ haha!

PS I'm still learning Japanese

Saturday, March 06, 2010

My brains are turning into:

GUM HEALTH gel. Bonjela Cool Mint Gel contains the active ingredients: Choline salicylate 8.714% w/w (a non-steroidal antiinflamatory) and cetalkonium chloride 0.01% (antiseptic) w/w...

And I'm popping:

like they're going out of fashion.

If the problem were:



instead of just gums I'd be all up for using:

and yanking the offending one(s) out myself... but as it is, it's

and a trip to the

for me!

And in case you want something furry because it's "Friday on Saturday" here's a polar bear stuck on a melting ice floe. I know just how he/she feels:

Friday, March 05, 2010

Bad Gums

I CANNOT be posting about being depressed today, like I said I would. I was typing the boring post in for ages and it's still not finished. I got something wrong with me gums up top and they hurt like hell. I'm off to find a dentist right now! (And I'm still depressed.)

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood