HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!
Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weekend. Show all posts

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Wombats

FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY




arguably Australia's cutest marsupial...


they love to be held...


...and stroked...


"wombat in a hat"

... and the babies are very cute too




WISHING Y'ALL A VERY FURRY WEEKEND INDEED!



Saturday, November 12, 2011

Macaws

Feathery Friday on Saturday


Ordinary blue and yellow macaws...


With green severe macaws


Hyacinth macaws, the largest parrots in the world...

Wishing a raucous weekend to you all..!



Friday, November 11, 2011

Hello again

I HAVEN'T BEEN BY because I could not get access to a computer. I have not been feeling well. My methadone is down to 80mg and I feel sick whenever I have to move myself to get to that overheated chemist's shop. Strangely, apart from feeling cold, I feel fine at home. As I say, it's only when I start moving myself that I get a disgusting sweat on that only evaporates a good couple of hours after sipping the noxious gunk I am prescribed. I feel my life is over now I'm no longer taking drugs. OK I do indulge about once a fortnight but I never feel the gear. I've had the odd bit of crack but I don't even like that. So I'm stuck in sobriety and hating it because I'm so unmotivated and down.

I got a letter through because they are turning off the old analogue TV signal in London next April and I'm eligable for a Freesat dish and box, fully installed for just £67 ~ about $100 ~ giving me over 100 channels without any need to subscribe. So I'm thinking of going for it.

Apart from that no news. Just missed doctor's appointments (I felt to ill to go). And poor sleep. Up all night, in bed all day not wanting to get up. Then the dreaded trek to the methadone chemist and having to remove half my clothes in that ridiculously tropical shop. I stink because I have not had a shower in over a week, just half hearted attempts at washing over the sink. I don't want to be dirty but I just feel like a block of ice when I wake up. I need my methadone AT HOME so I can take it IN BED a good couple of hours before I get up. THEN I will be able to stomach showers, changing clothes, washing hair all the things normal people do. All the things addicts on methadone supposedly start doing again but cannot when the methadone is not in their hands. The longer this poisoning goes on the worse things will get. I just want off that noxious rubbish as quickly as possible. There is no earthly reason why I should experience any withdrawal whatsoever. If I reduced a dose of heroin by 5mg per week I wouldn't feel anything at all. So why should I feel the reduction in methadone? I'm fine once I've drunk it and waited the infernal amount of time that rubbish takes to come on (over two hours). But I'm not OK when I wake up in the morning. Unless the clinic give me control over drinking my own dose at home I'm launching a formal complaint and/or simply scoring my own methadone on the street so I can walk to the chemist without hot and cold flashes and flushing half the dose they give me. They probably wouldn't notice if I did that. I don't want to play around with my dosing but I'm getting more and more wound up on this point. I got advised to issue a formal complaint some weeks ago. Everyone else I know gets good treatment apart from me. It's almost as if they were deliberately eroding my mental health. Example: by insisting I go to group therapy which is only compulsory for convicted petty criminals. I went to two groups very reluctantly just so I could say I'd tried it. Then very happily turned my back on that complete waste of time. 90 minutes of patronizing rubbish I have heard a million times before. No thanks.

I'm not in the mood for NA because I don't go anywhere these days. I feel very run down and mentally exhausted. My mother did not seem to like the letter I wrote her explaining my past. She doesn't want to face my point of view. But she did tell some very interesting stories of her own which I'm sure she considers true. Viewpoint, viewpoint. It's all in the viewpoint.

Well I have to dash I'm on a public computer yet again. I will be back sooner if I can get to a computer that actually works, which many in this shop don't. Take care everyone and have a charming weekend...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Hummingbirds

FEATHERY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY


Psychedelic


Colourful ...


... and cute


With precision beaks that suck nectar from flowers...


... they fly amazingly; but look just as good perching.

WISHING Y'ALL A CHIRPY WEEKEND!

Saturday, August 27, 2011

QUETIAPINE, aka Seroquel, the antipsychotic I said I'd rather be on than risperidone, has mysteriously found its way en masse into boxes of Neurofen (ibuprofen) headache pills!

Sky News says:

The Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) has issued a safety warning following reports that some boxes may contain Seroquel XL 50mg.

Seroquel XL is a prescription-only anti-psychotic drug used to treat disorders including schizophrenia, mania and bipolar depression.

The mix-up is believed to have happened at a wholesaler's and so far three cases have been identified in the south London area.


See! Ordinary people recoil in horror at the prospect of taking even 2x50mg quetiapine into their bodies. I would probably be dosed at 300-350mg at night. My friend who also has schizoaffective gets 700mg at night. That's 14 of those stray pills!

*******


I slept nearly all day today, woke up with a taste for Chinese food only to find my best local takeaway SHUT at only 10 past 10. This is the one who put mangetout in the mixed vegetable fried rice. The second choice takeaway tip in Iceland's own frozen mixed vegetables: cubed carrots; peas; sweetcorn. Nah! I could do with a chicken and baby corn with curry sauce. Plus egg fried rice. Hey that's making me hungry again...

I was watching Ugly Betty on DVD. Lots of people say they don't like that show. Presumably because it pokes fun at Betty. What they don't realize is you watch it the other way round. Betty is loyal, resourceful, very intelligent and a good person. Despite great opposition she makes her way in a world that mocks and derides her. THAT is why I watch Ugly Betty.

The bit where she skulks into the canteen with everybody smirking at her, is just like entering McDonalds during a paranoid episode. Everybody seemed to be talking to, at or about ME. So I had to ignore everyone and only interact with the girl behind the till, who was gazing at me with a most peculiar look in her eye...

Anyway it's not like that today. I was just saying. Today I am fine. Today all is good.

I can't get my little computer open. I tried and tried unscrewing the back where some cable is at fault, yet cannot do it.

So it's gonna have to go into hospital.

Hey maybe I should have chicken and babycorn in curry sauce with egg fried rice in compensation...

I hope you all are having a splendiferous weekend...

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Loaches

...Fishy Friday on Saturday...


LOACHES were always my favourite fishes in the community tank; more for personality than looks.


This is a sucker loach. The cleaner of the deep. Like most loaches they live on algae, come out at night and are highly territorial, lurking moodily in any cave you care to construct out of slate or bogwood and thoroughly enjoying being out of view! If anything or anyone dares disturb them they can shift themselves with truly astonishing rapidity.


I used to have a Borneo sucker or hillstream loach. This fish lives in ultra shallow water and likes a stream of air against the glass. They're agile enough to be able to swim directly down the flow of bubbles, which replicates the splashing mountain streams they inhabit in real life. Nubia, our Borneo, used to sleep upside down on a piece of slate. Whenever I wanted a good look at her, I'd just pick up the slate and she'd stay stubbornly anchored.


Unlike ordinary loaches, which hold on to rocks or the glass with their mouths, the Borneo has a sucker almost the entire length of its body. Meaning that it can withstand extremely strong currents in the wild.

Easily the fastest swimmers in the community fish tank; it once took the fuming pet shop lady a full 20 minutes to catch the last hillstream loach between two nets!


My favourite loach of all is the reclusive kuhli. This strikingly stripey eel-like creature is only 4"/10cm long in adulthood. Rarely to be seen during daylight hours, they burrow under the gravel, only to emerge by the pale light of the moon (or your moon-effect nightlight).


The kuhli loach's expression reminds me of a certain member of my family who I once, at the tender age of 12, likened to "an old hornet" in an official document!

Kuhli loaches don't live long. They are very sensitive to water quality and only survive in well-tended, established tanks. My two both died... yet the Old Hornet lives on!


WISHING A FANTASTICAL WEEKEND TO ALL THE FAMILY!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Tiny Tits

Feathery Friday on Saturday


Bluetits are the most beautiful garden birds in Britain...


and are known as far away as China


where the agile fluttering featheries are called the
蓝山雀 lán shānquè


"the blue mountain bird"



Wishing y'all a very
CHIRPY WEEKEND!


Saturday, August 06, 2011

Roborovski Entertainment Circus

...furry friday on saturday...



TINY HANDTAME ROBOROVSKI HAMSTERS

Here is Butter the white faced roborovski hammy. Look how tiny the (fully grown) hamster is compared to the hand:~



This one's called Lily, very cute, more of a struggler. Look how quick she pings on the wheel:



ROBO DUST BATH
Open secret: hamsters love taking dust baths:



ROBO SWIMMING
no they don't look like they're "enjoying it" but they do look cute and very tiny nonetheless...



WISHING Y'ALL A VERY FURRY WEEKEND INDEED...


Sunday, July 31, 2011

Hot

THE WEATHER is getting hotter this end. It's over 25C. That's hot for London. Strangely I'm not sweating like a swine these days. Maybe NOT taking heroin has something to do with that little difference. I always knew heroin was doing me no good; it was just hard to put a finger on what wrong it actually did (possibly because it did everything "wrong")...

I feel a lot better now I'm on those pills I was prescribed months ago and did take in the beginning then somehow got out of the habit of taking... I don't know. Even though they're not antidepressants they do make me less depressed and though they're not mood stabilizers they do stop my mood lunging and plunging.

When I found out risperidone is used as an antidepressant, I wasn't quite so squeamish about taking it. Maybe there is, after all, such a thing as placebo effect.

Now I'm lurking down the library hoping to bump into someone who will lend me the price of a drink. Broke till tomorrow. Ukh. Then I'm meant to be meeting one of my creditors at 9am. No rest for the wicked you see.

Ukh I've got to go. It's too quiet in here. I hate Sundays...

Saturday, July 30, 2011

African Pygymy Mice

...furry friday on saturday...


THESE are the smallest mice in the world: look how one is too tiny even to make the wheel spin [at first]...



As long as a roborovski hamster, but oh so much thinner:~~~~~~~



*******



KEITH FLOYD on the docks in Hong Kong. "Mealy-mouthed water taxi owners are asking $100 each to film here where any person can walk freely..." he says and lets them reprimand away in Chinese in the background...

Saturday, July 23, 2011

A Furry Day

furry friday on saturday


THUMB-SIZED ENTERTAINERS



look at that deep ruffly fur:



the tiny hammies do everything together:



WISHING Y'ALL A FURRY WEEKEND!




THESE ARE 3 NATURE VIDEOS WITH MUSIC
... transcendent, inspirational ...
I was actually looking for the music, but you might prefer the vids........

UNION JACK: RED HERRING
(total coincidence) this was posted up by Trisch Li, manic lady, as featured in my sidebar...! (why do our paths cross so often Trisch? and you died before I ever could meet you)



ATLANTIC OCEAN: WATERFALL



and here are 2 more vids by Orbital


HALCYON ON AND ON
this one shows the whole world... and elephants' feet...



BELFAST
not a nature vid at all i'm afraid...



and last but not least here's a video accompanying
PAUL VAN DYK MIX of HUMATE: LOVE SIMULATION, as posted the other day. an alltime classic.....



Saturday, July 16, 2011

Meerkats

Furry Friday On Saturday











Wishing Y'All A Furrily Entertaining Weekend



PS Don't miss my miseryguts post from earlier today...



Saturday, July 09, 2011

Shetland Donkies



... little trotter donkies ...


FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY


... officially known as Shetland Ponies ...



... these are the tiniest trotters in the United Kingdom ...



... noted for their distinctive manes ...



... these little trotters are tiny enough to become household pets ...



... in times of old Shetlands worked as pit-ponies, dragging multi-tonne weights, so a grown man is no problem ...



... usually, however, they prefer lighter loads ...


WISHING Y'ALL A CHEERFUL TROTTER WEEKEND


... AND DON'T FORGET TO VIEW TODAY'S OTHER TWO POSTS; BETTY FORD AND WATCH THE BIRDIE ...




★★★★★★★★★★★★

more singing by the greatest voice in the world





Friday, July 01, 2011

Fuzzy Donkies in the Snow

FURRY FRIDAY
IT'S REALLY HOT THIS END...
... so to cool y'all off, here's some fuzzy donkies in the snow...







WISHING Y'ALL A CHEERY WEEKEND
IF IT CANNOT BE CHEERY ...

THEN MAY IT BE TOLERABLE!

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Hello Hammy Hamster!



... furry friday on saturday ...

TALES OF THE RIVERBANK: FIRST PAST THE POST
This is the very last Tales of the Riverbank I can get, so I hope y'all like it...



HAMMY HAMSTER GOES ORGANIC




HAMMY HAMSTER GOES ORGANIC: OUTTAKES



wishing y'all
a very furry
weekend
indeed!


****************************************************************************************************************


Bugerlugs, here are some proposed Hammynames. Not sure about Samantha and Mary, but I think any the other ones would suit any furry pinger down to the ground:~~~~~~~

Chrystobel, Samantha, Mary, Poppy

Morph, Diamorph, Bea, Indica, Sativa, Ephedra, Coca, Meow

Manic, Schizz, Munchausen, Delirium

Perkins, Durry, Trotter, Scrabbler, Jugstable, Ping, Scuttle, Scratcher, Earwasher, Tonkie, Swine


Saturday, May 28, 2011

HARES!


FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY



Hares are much larger than rabbits.

Longer limbs give them a far faster "bound".

And unlike rabbits they have never been domesticated...

Not even the really cute Arctic Hare!




European Hares.



Arctic Hares.



PS: I've found a rehab where you're even allowed pinging hamsters in a tank!



Saturday, May 21, 2011

White Tigers



FURRY FRIDAY ON SATURDAY

White tigers aren't albinos; they're a naturally occurring variation from the ordinary orange and black coloration....

White tigers are usually slightly bigger than orange tigers

They're very well camouflaged against one another

Aren't the cubs cute..?





This tiger isn't white, but it looks very entertaining playing with a bear

WISHING Y'ALL A FURRY WEEKEND!!

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood