HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I DON'T know what to say today. I feel so blank! I could not think of what furry animal to put up. And rather than put up a picture of my blankness (nothingness) here are some colours from a paint chart.

I shouldn't complain but one of my biggest gripes of living in this type of rented accommodation is that you're not allowed to decorate and I would love walls in duck egg blue... leading through to light blue... to turquoise in different rooms or areas. I think dark blue furniture against light blue walls would look really good.

So there we have it: my thwarted interior decor ambitions!

I don't know what else to put. My yukky inflamed (but totally non-dramatic looking) gums are going down. If anything they were too WHITE rather than too red. what is that?? I pre-empted what the dentist would probably say to me and treated them myself. Once they're hopefully OK again then I'll get the appointment. I need a scale and polish so bad.

Well have a good weekend everyone and I hope you don't feel as flat as I do ~ haha!

PS I'm still learning Japanese


Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Well, I think that's a very original pic to post! Hugs from Simi and me in Sicily. xx

Jeannie said...

I just painted a blue wall in my son's house - and a bunch of beigeish ones. Why can't you decorate? I'll bet if you take your paint chip to the super for permission, they might let you.

Janice said...

I live in an old rental, and because its a old house my landlord let me paint it any color I pleased. But I have to pay for the paint myself. My living room is peach with white trim, my bathroom white with blue trim, my bedroom blue with darker blue trim, and my daughter's room is a nice mint green with white trim.

I love color.

Your gums should be a pale to medium pink, not white and not red. Brush at least twice a day and floss at least once a day.

Baking soda helps if your suffering with gun disease and can't afford to go to the dentist.


Puss-in-Boots said...

We all get blanks...I don't post when that happens. But your picture is interesting as is your colour scheme (if you were allowed to have it).

Lol...I've just seen the word verification for this comment...fartio!

Gledwood said...

Welshcakes: thank you ;->...

Jeannie: they insist on white walls as they're easier and cheaper to redecorate when tenants move out. They won't let you (technically) hang ANYTHING on any wall at all. No pinboards. No maps. Nothing. Horrible. In a way I would like to just do it and leave 4 pots of white behind to "pay" for refurbishment... maybe I should...

Janice: I brush 5 times a day... I think my gums are the paler end of pink, esp at the top where they hurt. I dread to think what might be wrong. No lumps though so surely not cancer..??

Pussinboots: how rude!

Yes colours make me high. And I especially like blue ones and greeny blue ones and light blue ones... since childhood. These make me happy, not sad!

Syd said...

I hope that you had a good weekend. A painting project might be a good thing.

Gledwood said...

What I really ought to do is some easel-&-acrylics arty painting for the walls... then maybe I'll make something worth £80 million when I'm dead...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood