HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Tooth Gone ~ Hurrah!!

THE TROUBLESOME TOOTH is troubling me no more. The dentist yanked it out twenty minutes ago!! (I'm writing this around Monday noon.) I am so pleased¬¬!!! For three weeks that thing had been bothering me and I'm pretty sure that site was focus for all the gumzy flare-ups I've been getting. The tooth looked less like a perfect white edifice in pink gum than a volcanic peg jutting from a crater. It was loose. When it hurt most it hurt so much I could barely close my mouth that side, let alone eat. Then all pain faded. Then it crept back but not as bad, y'know, irritating teething "get the tooth out" almost itchy kinda business... The dentist was NOT very impressed by the state of my dental health. Didn't ask how/why/whatever it got like that so I didn't bother explaining it was my MENTAL condition that had got my mouth into such a state. Chainsmoking. The inner front bottoms have gone BLACK. Tartar is everywhere. Some years ago, when I psychotically lost it completely I basically gave up on cleaning my teeth for about a year... they were in SUCH a state... far better now. Believe it or not the "ash tray look" blackening is less than half as bad, after continuous 8-times a day brushing than it was a couple of years ago...
He told me it was the smoking that has caused all this. So I said, "The only thing I can do really is give up, isn't it?" and he said "That's right."
Then he did the extraction, which involved THREE implements. He injected the anaesthetic too quickly so it hurt. I know he did this deliberately. If you don't wanna see bad teeth, why gravitate to DENTISTRY? This I do not comprehend...
The stubborn swine of a tooth took about two minutes of undignified yanking on the dentist's part, to disturbing creaking and cracking sounds that of course resonated right into my ear-'oles... And now it's gone. Not only was it rotten from root to tip, but it had a missing chunk (no wonder it always felt craggy in my mouth). Dr Miserable told me the gum disease from around it had gone right to the root, hence pain on biting down.
I know he COULD, if he could be bothered, have provided a false permanently plugged in one, but not everything is free on the NHS and I suspect that wouldn't be. Receptionist told me hygienist appointments aren't NHS either and they cost £40.
(And I need one really badly.) I think I'm going to shop around.
A few years ago the government altered the dentists' charter, or whatever you call it ~ the system whereby they get paid. So they no longer get paid per job but per patient, which means someone like me is barely worth bothering with because I'm lots of work for same money as a five year-old needing a minifilling... know what I mean. Apparently nothing's to stop me from going to separate dentists for every individual job, so maybe I'll do that. I was well up for being treated as four or five mystery patients but Mr Misery didn't deserve that kind of Brucie Bonus, so I never suggested it...
... So I'm sat here, half my face packed out with blood clots, anaesthetic still killing my palate stone dead... And I'm happy as larry.

THE TOOTH IS GONE:~ HURRAH! HURRAH!! HURRAH!!!

Photos: not my mouth, but you get the drift...

15 comments:

Bimbimbie said...

Hi Gleds, relief at last! I reckon those injections are worse than the treatment you find yourself in the chair for.

Gledwood said...

Aye!!!

He could have been a BIT more gentle. On the other hand, he looked surprised when I said "oh yes!" to his suggestion to pull it at once (rather than the standard checkup-appointment-a-week-later routine... so all is good now!!
The flesh wound doesn't even hurt!!!!
Wahey!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

teeth are horrible. get em all ripped out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeannie said...

It took my dentist about 45 minutes to pull one of my teeth - my roots go deep and he had to drill the sucker apart and pull it bit by bit - and still had to leave a bit behind to work its way out because it was too close to the nerve.

Implants are very expensive. I was quoted $3600 from my dentist a few years ago. Granted he tends to charge high but still. I am looking at having to get one for a tooth that has split close to the front of my mouth.

naomi said...

i am 22 and have never had a filling in my life, and i have been going to the dentist regularly from birth till now. i am lucky; i dont know how ive got away with it as when i started IVin heroin I didnt brush my teeth except for once a month. i still only do it about twice a month. gross i know, but as i am dependant on alcohol, getting up/drinking to go to sleep requires being able to get down the alcohol and booze+listerine,colgate is sick and makes me wanna wretch. basically, brushing my teeth loses me vital drinking time as i have to wait and drink and swill with water to lose the taste. terrible, eh?

i have always had perfect teeth, perfectly straight and sized. i keep on telling myself to brush twice a day as gals with missing front teeth look bad!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Glad for you, dear heart. Sorry that miserable swine hurt you though.

Love you tons!

Glad you had the tooth taken care of.

SB

Syd said...

I am glad to have great teeth and only 2 fillings. I like having good oral hygiene. Who would want to kiss me if I didn't?
Glad that your ordeal is over.

Gattina said...

We could have written your post together, at least for the tooth pull out adventure ! We were in the same boat at the same time, lol ! I feel much better now ! At least it doesn't hurt anymore.

molson said...

Now that sounded like an unpleasant bit of business. I hope no rivulets of puss were involved. Could be why the dentist was in such a pissy mood.

Baino said...

Glad you got it sorted. Most dentists are reluctant to pull teeth, more profitable to have you coming back for multiple treatments. You really must look after your toofie pegs Gleds!

Akelamalu said...

If you are registered with an NHS dentist Gleds the £16+ check-up fee includes a scale and polish by said dentist. They don't tell you this because they want you to pay £40 to see the hygenist! You just tell them you want a scale and polish with your check up.

Glad your pain has gone.

Merle said...

Dear Gleds ~~ I am so glad your tooth has gone and not too painful.
Thank you so much for your kind comments about my health. I am trying not to think about it too much
until we see what the next move is.
Thank you for caring my friend.
Take good care of yourself.
All the best, Merle.

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I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

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