HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Sunday, July 31, 2011


THE WEATHER is getting hotter this end. It's over 25C. That's hot for London. Strangely I'm not sweating like a swine these days. Maybe NOT taking heroin has something to do with that little difference. I always knew heroin was doing me no good; it was just hard to put a finger on what wrong it actually did (possibly because it did everything "wrong")...

I feel a lot better now I'm on those pills I was prescribed months ago and did take in the beginning then somehow got out of the habit of taking... I don't know. Even though they're not antidepressants they do make me less depressed and though they're not mood stabilizers they do stop my mood lunging and plunging.

When I found out risperidone is used as an antidepressant, I wasn't quite so squeamish about taking it. Maybe there is, after all, such a thing as placebo effect.

Now I'm lurking down the library hoping to bump into someone who will lend me the price of a drink. Broke till tomorrow. Ukh. Then I'm meant to be meeting one of my creditors at 9am. No rest for the wicked you see.

Ukh I've got to go. It's too quiet in here. I hate Sundays...


Jeannie said...

Funny how relative heat is. 25 is what I have my A/C set at - I can't stand it any colder. But I know that 19 in the spring feels hot. 19 in the fall feels cold.

Last summer when we had our Irish family visiting - it was a cool summer by our standards but they could hardly bear the heat. I was wrapped in sweaters and blankets.

It's all in what you're used to.

Glad your meds are working for you - and that you can tell they are.

Gledwood said...

i was just wondering whether or not it was placebo effect, but i don't think it is, i can feel the pills doing something, it is most extraordinary

every 2 or 3 years it does get past 35C and it does feel intolerable basically because London is not built for sustained heat, so when that happens it just gets ridiculous

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Hi, Gleds. Well done! Believe me, I know it isn't easy and I know exactly how it feels to meet with your creditors! Love from Sicily xx

Gledwood said...

o no i made it out to be something it isn't i was only joking i meant creditors as in friends i have borrowed £5s and £10ses from ... my formal "creditors" i don't know where to find any more which does my head in i would like to sort my debts out i really would but don't even know how to any more, it's awful

bugerlugs63 said...

hi, at last ( had no internet 4 a week ish) I actually missed you :-)
I have had a quick catch up but will read through properly later. so pleased you feeling more stable/level/sweatless etc thats all good innit?
Loving this heat, camping in wales on friday so hope to take some sun with us. Gonna miss the hammies though :-( stropster staying home with them . . . . . .O well.
well hope meeting with creditors went well and dint lead you all to the dealer (as these things often do) monday morn an all that . . .
Those mice are so tiny, but bit too skinny to be cuddly. Like they dont make me wanna suck their ears or ote. Got heaps to do as neice from Aus here safto, for few days on her way back to Aus. Anyway Im happy to be back on line and to know you ok.
Take Care
with love

Gledwood said...

Hamsters always look like they've had their ears bitten. I wonder if that's what people do: bite hamsters' ears?

I met my creditor (single) and gave her £30. I owe another one £20. This is creditors as in people I know. Not Barclaycard the Bastardcard.

Have a good time yng Nghymru as they say. I got GCSE Welsh ~ didn't know that did ya!

Furtheron said...

didn't know you could do GCSE Welsh - wish I'd done it now my son lives there and his girlfriend is Welsh... although she isn't a native Welsh speaker

Gledwood said...

O yeah it was compulsory at my school. I think all schools in Wales at least offer it...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood