A Furry Day

furry friday on saturday


THUMB-SIZED ENTERTAINERS



look at that deep ruffly fur:



the tiny hammies do everything together:



WISHING Y'ALL A FURRY WEEKEND!



THESE ARE 3 NATURE VIDEOS WITH MUSIC
... transcendent, inspirational ...
I was actually looking for the music, but you might prefer the vids........

UNION JACK: RED HERRING
(total coincidence) this was posted up by Trisch Li, manic lady, as featured in my sidebar...! (why do our paths cross so often Trisch? and you died before I ever could meet you)



ATLANTIC OCEAN: WATERFALL



and here are 2 more vids by Orbital


HALCYON ON AND ON
this one shows the whole world... and elephants' feet...



BELFAST
not a nature vid at all i'm afraid...



and last but not least here's a video accompanying
PAUL VAN DYK MIX of HUMATE: LOVE SIMULATION, as posted the other day. an alltime classic.....

More Music

ROBERT MILES: FABLE



... Robert Miles reminded me of my favourite ambient artist of all time...

ROBERT LEINER: VISIONS OF THE PAST



ROBERT LEINER: TO PLACES YOU'VE NEVER BEEN



EastLondonGirl was trying to find me a track called The Sensation 1993 Part 2.
Nearest I came to it was this donked up thing:
JURGEN VRIES: THE THEME (DJ QUICKSILVER DONKED UP)
do you get donk clubs~~??~~~where you go in and it's donk donk donk allnight?
my kinda club!

Away Day Return

MESSED UP DR APPOINTMENT: something went wrong re the dr's appointment between me, my family, my worker, the dr, and the time but I've got another for later today so no harm done. I had to pick up a methadone script for next week anyhow. And I saw some nutters I know. And some junkies I know. Nutter-junkies are the best. Only type I truly understand.

Where me and normal junkies go off at tangents is in lifestyle as there was no way I was barging into shops every single day, multiple shops per day, stocking up, hiding it all in alleys and bins and hoping no other bastard shoplifter or tramp runs off with it all, then when all that's done having to sell the crap, probably feeling tired and your lovely customers being able to read how desperate you are (not that I've ever "sold stolen goods" but say, hypothetically, that I did it as a favour for someone else; then that someone would have been really surprised at how much cash I got, as I came in daisy-fresh and got money for their toothpaste and shampoo (when I didn't know it shocked me just how humdrum these shoplifted items are! I thought addicts nicked nice stuff. Not coffee, headache pills and razors! Another thing that shocked me was realizing that stuff on sale in small shops was often shoplifted from bigger shops, sold on at less than wholesale. The kind of shop that would go nuts if you got caught nicking from THEM, the hypocrites!) anyway shoplift thing over... what was I on about. O yeah

here's a point (at last)

how can I possibly know how much another person suffers? How good or bad they feel? That's (part of) what stopped me thinking I was clinically depressed when I was. Not having a point of comparison, even among people I hung out with and/or knew very well. As everyone's personal hell is their own, y'know...

Well I SLEPT 8 HOURS which was lovely. From about 6:30 to 2AM. OK probably 7 and a bit all told, and that... does it make up for last night's hardly any sleep? I dunno. I got up at 2am last night after taking the zopiclone late so I can't have got much more than an hour and a half sleep. I write down my sleep for this diary thing I WAS doing properly. Or going to to. You ALL won't remember; someone will.

O I hate going to doctors to describe how I am not how some physical ailment is affecting me. That's a headfucker if you think about it. Doesn't psychiatry mean "care for the soul". Does my soul need caring for? Shouldn't I myself do the caring? What can a headshrinker actually do for me? Apart from write down their medicalized version of how and who I am and think about prescribing drugs of their own. While telling me not to take ones obtained for FAR TOO MUCH MONEY from bastards on mountain bikes.

My phone is full of desperate text messages telling how THEIR gear is the best how one "runs" amazingly even though I'd never in a zillion years SMOKE THE CRAP. Unless it's H4 [for injection] I'm not in the remotest bit interested. H4 is pure white heroin hydrochloride. China White is still heroin. Heroin is shit. I wouldn't actually take heroin. But enjoy the oblique "your wares are shit" dig. Plus being way more knowledgeable than the idiot selling it. Surely if you're retailing you wanna know your product? But they don't. Hence the absolute SKANK sold during the worst part of this ongoing drought....

Khhh. My worker listened very closely when I described having once given up caffeine and cigarettes. Caffeine for more than a year. Cigs for at least 6 possibly as long as 9 months. And the mental persuasion entailed in dumping nicotine. My point was I was so intensely addicted to heroin none of that ever worked on me. Heroin was as intertwined round my soul as anything ever has been. Total and utter addiction. Never again!

And yes I do need to remember this. I'm the sort of bastard who doesn't recognize the same landscape in summer and winter. Message to self:~ Seasons change. No heroin in any season. Thank you.

I was so knackered today. I actually came down to the ground in the morning. Like coming home after a wild an whacky holiday (Vacation you Americans! Not Xmas hols)... yeah an adventurous holiday. Imagine sunning yourself on a beach on Ko Phi Phi, which is said to be sublime, somehow the walls of your own living room impinge into this scene and a sun-lounger turns into your own chair. Wow! Then I had a bit of coffee to get me through both these appointments and I was flying yummily again. On less coffee than most people take to get to Work!!! How amazing is that. Free illegal drugs in my coffee. Wow. Anyway I was so tired I was zombified on the outside, bizzy-buzzing on the inside. Which meant whenever anybody asked me a question I suddenly sprang to life and wouldn't stop rabbitting. Then stared into space again: wearied close to exhaustion. That's why I slept so very long, and it did feel like 18 hours, not just under 8... like when you wring out a sponge and wring and wring more and more water so I got all the sleep out of me I could. A nice good long lie in. Getting up early AM. Yeah I know it's stupid. It's also fantastic not to be addicted to sleep any more. Not the way I was. Not struggling to function on 10, 12, 14, 16 and even more hours. Get my attitude to sleep now? It hits me like a disease and I can't function through exhaustion, depression and sheer ukkhhh-ness. THIS is why I have a rave, an ongoing party when suddenly I'm OK, don't need DAYS of sleep don't need don't want get rid of my old shitty life... ukk. Live on fresh air! That's the ideal. Like a sky blue flower aginst a blue sky. Blue into infinite sunny blue and cool fresh air. I'd love to live in Switzerland, wouldn't you? OK I'm gonna leave it there else this will never get finished.

RESTFUL CLASSICAL MUSIC. OK the restful is sarcasm. Sometimes I am sarcastic you know. E.g. when I asked would a caramel cadbury's creme egg set me off hyper. I'm not the kind to get high off a red smartie you know. And as for caffeine... all it used to do was give insomnia and anxiety. Never got high off that cept when I was on Prozac or naturally high anyway (not drug high).

MOZART: REQUIEM TRANCED UP



MOZART: LACRIMOSA (IE SAME PIEC) TECHNOD DIFFERENTLY
oh man: well you might like it, I'm saying nothing about this one



EVANESCE: (MOZART'S) LACRIMOSA
OK we're starting to go down a blind alley with this one but here:
05:04 finally got this to play properly: what an oppressive dirge! doesn't suit my mood at all. I far prefer that On With the Story Higher than the Eiffel track (look for a tiny little box, shrunken youtube screen last Sunday) for clish-clashing waves of music. Does anybody like this?:~~~~~



Illustrated: I was trying to find bindweed to illustrate heroin and me and that's the flower ~ WHAT AN AMAZING COLOUR BLUE! The bottom shows what bindweed actually does, view from a beach, Ko Phi Phi (Thailand) which is pronounced "pea pea"

In answer to some comments

THESE ARE SOME COMMENTS I got at my Gun to My Head post:

Syd said ...
If you know that you are lost and messed up, why not make a decision to be found and not messed up. If detoxing makes you hyper and pace, then detox while picking up the place and pacing back and forth with the bags of garbage and such. There is a solution Gleds. Look for the solution and not at the problems and why you can't do this or that. I agree with you that trying is BS. Taking good positive action with bettering your life would help you and help us who care about you.

29 December 2010 00:45


BeenThere said...
Syd hit the nail on the head. What you look at is what you'll see and what you look for is what you'll find. If you develop your many positive, innocent interests, and start viewing yourself as an instrument (for better or worse) you'll begin doing better. No one blames a hammer for breaking a window. Allow positive influences to motivate you.

We can all feel bad about stuff, or miserable with the state we're in - but it's all relative.

You've got in your states through not coping for various reasons. Every individual gets where they are through not coping in the way others think they should. We all get labelled. People deal with their lot in different ways. Bad mothers and fathers are just as human as kids who suffered because of them. They were also kids once.

Past sh*t is just that and should be flushed away. Keep stirring it up with a stick and it will continue to be a stink in your nostrils.

Too much time spent in self-analysis is wasteful, especially when your life is stagnant through drug addiction. Live a little and analyze new material. Delving into your sickness of mind is also a waste of time by now.Concentrating so much on that makes you sicker. Instead, wonder at how well your mind functions in so many ways, in spite of all the abuse you've thrown at it.

Perception of good and evil can be triggered by electrodes as well as by chemical abuse, as can various moods from joy to despair, from blind terror to uncontrollable mirth - none of which are "real".

When you dwell on the effects that chemicals or sadness have on your state of mind, you cause them to become a "reality" for you, but it is just your own perception.

You can change the way your brain is wired, takes about 3 months to a year - it has been scientifically proven. Bad tempered individuals have been able to train their behaviour in a way that re-wires the connections in their brain. It required effort, and they got headaches, but it worked.

You can develop a "can do" attitude to replace the "disabled" one which is not a true reflection of who you are, but who you have become. You are in control. Not the past, not the way you are or were wired, not alcohol,not heroin or any other drugs, and not your "loving mother" or any other people. You are not disabled in mind or body.You have family who love you. You are so lucky with so much to fight for.

30 December 2010 16:57


Anonymous said...
what about a normal picture of yourself?

31 December 2010 04:02


Gledwood said...
Syd: I did make a decision to be found and not messed up. HEROIN did that perfectly for me. Without heroin I hear fracture up, hear voices, dissociate and am prone to uncannily powerful (and not so powerful) mood swings. It's absolutely impossible to "Decide" not to be that way. That's WHO I AM. Come on Sid! I'm not saying that's a bad way to be. It's far better than being "normal". But not conducive to engaging with this world that is too shitty to bother with anyway. Ie I have an alternative coping mechanism that is FAR SUPERIOR to drugs, as it's cheaper, inherent to me and nobody can ever take it away


BeenThere: I'm not disabled. Only conventional thinking says that. I'm fine. The world is disabled. Their idea of reality is lying in a cold bath freezing feeling suicidal. I'd rather be who I am then who THEY think I should be any day. So that IS WHO I AM.

Anon: those pictures aren't me. I never have and never will post up a picture of me. If I did I'd close my blog and stop posting
3 January 2011 18:26

I think people are reading more into what I said than I actually did. Surely there is nothing unusual in having a more rational part of your mind who guides your person, divorced from your actual self who is what that person is...

I am quite happy in my own fractured way. Heroin was the best drug I ever found to hold my various aspects together. Still they did not make sense one to another. They barely communicated and why should they?

All the past week the experience I had when I "went crazy" came back at a lower grade. Every night and sometimes in the day I have been hearing voices. Hearing voices is good. Being lost and fragmented is a good thing. It means I am disengaged from the chilly misery of concenus reality. Being lost is good, because it means I am lost from what you might call reality, I call suffering.

I only think there is something wrong, not because I feel "bad" but because I know that by not engaging the supposedly responsible side of me is doing nothing. Hence the mess I live in.

Yes sometimes I do feel bad, that's a kind of depression. Sometimes I feel good. Sometimes extremely good. I don't care whether I'm hallucinating or not. Hallucinations put you in touch with the greater reality. If you're not hallucinating you're a poorer soul than me. You are utterly stuck in the mundane half-life people call Living a Life. When you're stressed I bet you feel bad. When I feel stressed, I often feel euphoric.

Where does this idea come from that to feel lost I must inevitably spend hours and hours dwelling on past events and misery? Did I ever tell anybody I did that? If you heard that, you weren't hearing what I say. When I say "I had depression since childhood" I'm stating a fact. I'm not delving into that depression, or whatever reasons might or might not be behind it. I'm giving a pure statement of fact. I barely EVER consider my childhood. I tell you I had depression since then as I don't flatter myself that every single reader of my blog should peruse every single post I've ever written and arrange them into a scheme. A lot of my writing is shortcuts for the new, the forgetful or those with attention spans such as mine: ie poor ones. Please read what I put, not what YOU might mean if YOU put it.

As I said before I barely indulge in self-analysis, except when, for example, constructing a timeline that explains the inexplicable. I have had to do this to be able to tell psychiatrists what happened and when. So very many times I've oversimplified only to be written off. Their how long probably means "when were the first signs and when did it taper away" ~ my how long means "what was the very peak of an experience". Two very different time frames. Only recently did I realize the confusion this has caused. Not that those headshrinkers give a flying turd what happened or when but I owe myself to answer accurately.

It's not natural to live in the plasticated world we live in. If I'm coping better with it than you, you want to ask yourself WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!

NOW LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT!!

I want my house clean because it will get my pettyminded landlord and pathetic housemates off my back. The rest of my life I'm happy to go on living as a trip.

Life is tripping. Dreams are tripping. Consciousness is the ultimate trip. You do not need drugs of any kind to trip. I'm happy as I am. There's nothing wrong with me. It's the world who's broken and fractured. If I'm not entirely together, that's techtonic pressures of the world putting undue duress on me.

So thank y'all for those comments. "Disabled" is the box the UK Government's benefits system wants to chuck me and many like me into. I don't see myself as disabled. They do. So I'm only disabled inasmuch as they insist on seeing me that way. Just about the unhealthiest way of anyone seeing anyone else. I go through life pretending to be well. I never pull an "I'm sick act" unless I'm at the end of my tether. Then I realize, "hey the Government say I'm sick so who are YOU (e.g. my landlord) to disagree! The entire system is far sicker than I ever was. I know people with paranoid schizophrenia and the Government is considerably sicker than them also!

I will be fine. I knew I'd not be the same off opiates. Opiates gave an illusion of several spheres integrating into one person. You are all like me. You might wish to consider yourself otherwise but you are just like me. Set those spheres free. One day you may hear Music of the Spheres. And that, my friends, is SUBLIME.

Mental health organization: hearing voices

THIS POST IS NOT AN ATTACK ON SYD, OR BEEN THERE OR ANONYMOUS. DON'T TAKE MY RANTING PERSONALLY PLEASE, Y'ALL HIT ON A VERY PERTINENT NERVE

THAILAND, land of smiles...

Ko Pha Ngan Full Moon Party



Thai girls dancing, Ko Pha Ngan Full Moon Party

Happy New Year 2011

WE HAVE WORLD WAR III style fireworks going off on both ends of our street. Strains of Auld Lang Syne waft up from downstairs...

I'm not alcohol-free, but I'm probably sober enough to drive, for once..(!)

MAY THIS YEAR BE WAY BETTER THAN THE BIG-O-SHYTE OLD ONE!

VAGATOR HILL TOP (ANJUNA) GOA
2005 New Year's Eve (looks more like New Year's Day to me).
I've been here, New Year's Eve 2001:~<
The second tune is way better than the 1st



HOLYMEN: SIMON SAID
If you've been out all night (ooo you young people!) and require some psychedelic acidic visuals, have a look at this. One question though: what on earth are you doing reading my blog??
Akh, this tune has a weird oppressive beat. I just like the picture:

A good bit of cheese

NOW FOR A MUSICAL BREAK. THERE'S A TIME AND A PLACE FOR CHEESE. THE TIME IS NOW.


2 versions of each track. The one I like best is first each time.

Not every one has a video. So volume up. Hoover out. Shake ya arse.

The Orange Tune, I think, is the best. I remember eeing with my cousin to this one. Happy days.




RALPH FRIDGE: PARADISE: NU GREY MIX
I loved this one. Especially charged up on a good few Mitsubishi batteries
Hardhouse version



Tiesto was after my time because I was solidly on gear by the 2000s. He's good though
This one's trancier



OT QUARTET: HOLD THAT SUCKER DOWN BUILDS LIKE A SKYSCRAPER MIX
Has been described as the best house tune of all time




OT QUARTET Pop video version
forget that, here's
WILLIAM ORBIT, FERRY CORSTEN REMIX: BARBER'S ADAGIO FOR STRINGS
sublime!



CYGNUS X: ORANGE THEME, FERRY CORSTON MOONMAN MIX
Well named. Takes you to the moon and back.



CYGNUS X: ORANGE THEME
I like this video