HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Friday, July 01, 2011

Fuzzy Donkies in the Snow

... so to cool y'all off, here's some fuzzy donkies in the snow...




bugerlugs63 said...

hey was just about to say, looking forward to furry friday on saturday and up popped the fuzzy donkeys, they really are fuzzy too.
new clinic; haven't seen anyone yet as its in change over process, went to the chemist safto to pick up my weekly . . .and there were at least 5 other "friends" there to pick up, whose scripts hadn't been sent out!! ooo er u can imagne it can't you? I had picked mine up from the surgery and taken it to the chemist so I knew mine was there . . .I'm not sure how it works with other people, but no scripts had arrived through the post . .The pharmacist had managed to speak to the "new company" once that day, who said IF people are desperate and need them, they will have to get to . . . a place roughly 16 miles away!!! also they would call the pharmacist back later . . .no call . .AND NO-ONE ANSWERING PHONE!! one almighty fuck-up,there was uproar . .I got passed my bag over the counter which blatantly contained at least one 500ml bottle (and a smaller one) and walked. I wasn't sure if I might get mugged or whether to hang around and . . NO!! I need it myself so I walked and left them all to it. So not looking too good for the new set up . .I meet new worker on thurs so will let you know.
That eye is interesting, I wonder how that was done?
I gotta get some sleep, but great to hear you sounding positive again . . .
good night
with love

Gledwood said...

Aren't they furry entertainers!!??!

I don't think I would ever trust a script to get sent over. And that's totally out of order having to recieve something that's obviously methadone in front of other junkies.

I trust my chemist less and less. I've made sure I always have at least 100mg spare at all times because my clinic has fucked me up several times with invalidly dated and even unsigned scripts. I was in no position to check my script some weeks. When I went manic it was as much as I could do to keep hold of my door keys let alone sort anything else out. I was losing money all the time.

I just checked out the criteria for injectable prescribing and basically if you've been on methadone and injecting on top for years you DO meet the official UK criteria for injectable methadone. I'm collating all this information and am thinking of appealing to get a PROPER prescription that actually works for me and keeps me on the straight and narrow for longer than a few weeks. When I cleaned up before I had the luxury of an elevated mood helping me. I don't have that now.

O and BTW I found out all methadone patients are supposed to be screened for mental health problems and given antidepressants/etc as appropriate. They NEVER did this for me.

So what happened to these people without scripts? Why didn't someone from 16 miles away travel to your chemist and drop these scripts off?

From now on as well as keeping at least a day's worth of methadone, which I will buy on the street if necessary, I think I'm going to have to keep at least £20 spare in case I need to score. I really do not trust chemists or clinics at all. I also made sure I had an entire bag of new needles, even though I've thrown every single old one away. I don't WANT to inject street drugs ever again, but am not leaving myself wide open to disaster if the chemist lets me down I will NEED to score and need to inject what I score. Otherwise I'm only spending twice as much money on half as much drug and street gear is so weak these days it's ridiculous.

Do you know I think my memory played tricks on me, telling me the gear used to be better than it actually was. For most of my using a £10 bag injected in one was the bare minimum. I usually injected 2x£10 hits spaced about 10 minutes or so apart in the morning. Then I felt OK. I really wish I could go for ever on no gear ... never again ... but as I say I simply cannot trust the clinic and chemist not to let me down. Shane in France wrote a post making some really good points about how a drug dealer cares for you more than a methadone clinic at his memoires of a heroinhead blog


the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

Hey Gleds,
I love the rabbit ears of donkies (donkeys)?.
Great fuzzy post:)

Gledwood said...

Aren't they called donkies?

I wouldn't know..!

Gledwood said...

Or tonkies. Of course ;-)

Syd said...

Really good little fellows. I liked seeing Mylo, the Budweiser Clydesdale mascot. He was really cool.

Gledwood said...

A Budweiser tonkie? We only had frogs (I think)...



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood