HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


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I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Chinchilla ii

I CAN'T really have an 秋田犬 Akita-inu where I am now (nor in most rented accommodation). Plus the cost of jabs and microchipping, bowls and leads or leashes and other incidentals mounts up exceedingly high (though I would really love one) ... so I've set my sights on chinchillas instead. These only cost £25 or so each. Maybe £50. But I don't want a fancy one I want a grey one... The cage is the biggest expense as to house a rabbit-sized creature it has to be massive, with a huge ratty-style wheel for them to ramble on plus dustbath to play in. Chinchillas (so the books say) require a certain type of obscure volcanic sand from the high Andes to brush their fur on... otherwise it will go all sweaty-looking and greasy...

Chinchilla dustbath ~ isn't this entertaining? Look how he gets right in..!

And don't they have South American alpaca/emu/llama-style faces..?

... And don't they look sweet!!

As for the "mental health" comments yesterday:

Thank you y'all!

I tried pretending nothing was wrong for so long and it never worked, so does it mean "embracing" a label?... or just ploughing through therapy to get the hell out as quickly as possible..?

All I know about therapy and counselling is that the more you put into these things, the more you get out. You can (and I'm sure lots of people do) use these sessions merely as an outlet to complain about people, things and circumstances that have occurred during the week. You sound off in the session and do nothing about anything between sessions and the time in the room becomes an emotional outlet. You can also look deep within yourself, like the character described yesterday staring into his own eyes saying "aren't I amazing" (and in counselling ~ complexicated ~ and contradictory and deep and fascinating. (But so is everyone else!!) OR you can use such sessions as a means to throw up insights you can hold on to and use as a means of change. And though it might sound a bit snotty-nosed, that's what I would hope I might do with these "therapeutic" experiences.

I hate counselling, in a way. Because it is an inherently one-sided relationship. They know all these things about you, yet you are talking to a human whitewashed wall. What's "healthy" about that?

The blankness of such a relationship is its freedom, because you should be able to say anything you like without fear of emotional fallout (as might happen if you confided in a family member, who is inextricably tied to the same web of interconnected conflicts as you are)... so it all gets deep and meaningful and whatever. But every time I turn up I look at the watch and see 50 minutes of blank time ... and wish I could somehow fast forward it over!

And every time, somehow the minutes go too quickly!!

Right I gotta go find me a chinchilla. Have a nice day, y'all...


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Hope you get the chinchilla, Gledds. They are so cute.

Love you much,


J said...

Chins live forever but theyre incredibly entertaining. In the US the best avail chin cages are rather tall, as chinchillas are from rocky highlands and LOVE to hop!!!!! make sure to have lots of platforms and a cooling marble for yours; theyre rather poor at regulating their body temperatures when its warm out and love a cool marble to relax on.

Baino said...

Gleds honey. There is no quick fix. Whether you have a label or not, if it helps, stick with it for a little while and just see where it takes you. One thing I've learned after following you for a very long time is that you are not the most patient of creatures. Give something a chance to work whether it's methodone, therapy, counselling. I think you've hit it right on the head with "You can hold onto and use as a means of change'. But you need to stick at it. In a way, you're very fortunate to be living in a country where these services are available to you for free . . think of our poor American cousins who pay thousands for the type of services you're getting on the NHS, it's not about money but the services are there so use them. Sorry, I didn't mean to lecture, I just think the time has come for you to get serious and follow through.

And frankly, if you don't Bimbimbie and I may well abduct you and force you into cold turkey and whalesong for a month!

And no, don't get a Chinchilla. They need too much maintenance, stick with hammies. There, my five cents and a bit!

Gledwood said...

SB: :-)

J: i will have to think about whether I really can keep one. i ain't got ROOM for a huge enclosure, not really, and especially one i would want to HIDE from the EVIL LANDLORD, ya know...

BAINO: me?? impatient?? how did you guess??

re the labelling thing, well as I spose I said ~ I'm a bit anti it. I tried not to go down the "mental" road but if constant depression and basically living in a mess becomes a problem then I have to hold my hands up and do what's needed. At least the last doctor seemed to take on the idea that 1. i want help and will be willing to go with it but 2. it/i'm/life isn't straightforward

yeah you're right chinchillas are a bit too big really and I had siberian hamsters who looked like they were about to expire in high summer ~ i heard chinchillas are the same. the hamsters liked ice packs but what do you do with a chinchilla??

but they do look cute

Syd said...

That is one reason that I like Al-Anon so much rather than therapy. I get to hear something from others who tell a story similar to mine. And I can see their growth in recovery. It is powerful.



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood