HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.


Gledwoods deutscher Blog

Bitte hier klicken ...


I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Thursday, March 18, 2010


I SAW A NUTNUT DOCTOR. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

He read the long, convoluted (& contradictory) history of all the things that have happened to me, all the things I have done...

He said giving out meds is probably not going to be the best line of treatment (hurrah! because I wouldn't take them anyway!!)

Then he said all these problems are probably down to some personality warping of mine (of course he didn't use the word warping)... I was wondering what on earth he meant....

Then my mind turned to Mr Man (the one who gave me the mephedrone) who chucked himself in front of a tube train some months ago. This man, I suspect, probably "presented" (as they like to say) in quite a similar way to me. Ie he was able to put on a convincing act of happiness, or at least personability (he was very personable and likeable) ~ while at the same time taking meds (in the end) for bipolar disorder.

Now his diagnosis was not "bipolar" at all, but borderline personality disorder and what did stick in my mind was that he said that he thought I had this thing as well.

The "borderline" of borderline personality disorder refers to a supposed border (in 1950s thinking) between "neurosis" and "psychosis". People who have this condition tend to be very neurotic, but are apt to flip over into (usually brief) psychotic states in times of extreme stress or crisis...

So I wonder, in trepidational fear, whether this is what the nutnut doctor had in mind.

I certainly hope not!

If anyone wants to read so-called diagnostic criteria of this "condition" you can click on the wikipedia link I gave earlier... I couldn't help but notice "impulsivity" was given as a hallmark feature ~ I would say no I'm not impulsive at all. Quite the opposite. But substance abuse counts as one mark against and binge eating/starving as another 2 marks and I've done all 3. And I never told Dr Nutnut (or the nurse who wrote the report) anything about the food...

Also this condition/diagnosis is not mutually exclusive ~ ie you can have it and 1, 2 3 or more other nutty conditions... isn't life wonderful??!?

Counselling Directory's borderline symptoms roundup


Syd said...

Well, if there is a diagnosis, then hopefully through therapy, the issues can be addressed. Maybe it really will come down to getting coping skills and having behavior modification. I don't know, but the diagnosis sounds like a good start to feeling better.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am with Syd. I hope the diagnosis is the beginning to your being well and feeling better.

Love you lots, Gledds.


Gledwood said...

Syd: he never actually said the word "borderline", but did stay stuck on the idea of "personality" and when I asked how/whether I could change things he spoke along the lines of: "personality traits aren't set in stone, but they are fairly ingrained by adulthood and so it would take quite some doing"Hmmmm!
SB: I hope so but it's not a diagnosis yet and even if it were, not a particularly flattering one (if any psychiatric diagnosis can be flattering) AT ALL...!

Akelamalu said...

Well whatever he calls it I hope he can do something about it. x

Puss-in-Boots said...

I dunno, Gleds. I reckon a lot of those things that they use as criteria to give people labels are in us all to one degree or another. My friend, whose son is Asperger (part of the autism spectrum) and I were talking about that very thing the other day...and came to the conclusion that the none of us, with all our quirks and idiosyncracies, would qualify as 100% sane.

Having said that, I hope that they can help you with whatever they diagnose you as...

lettuce said...

I was thinking something similar to what Puss-in-boots said...

but either way, I hope this will be the beginning of something which is positive for you

Gledwood said...

AKELAMALU maybe it has to be ME who does something... well I will. Even if the doctor can't I bloody will, just to spite them all. I have changed my personality more than anyone I know over 20 years and that's a fact. Nothing's to stop me changing it a lot far further!!

PUSSINBOOTS, LETTUCE I agree and I disagree with the doctor that depression is a permanent personality trait. I don't feel depressed today!

The other thing he seemed to be hinting at was that I might not have a depressive personality but a warped one that put me at constant odds with the world... but who cares?

Baino said...

I'd resist the temptation to let him or you put your depression into a particular box. Not all neuroses can be pinpointed as one particular disease. You may well have an underlying condition but you're also an addict and who knows what the drugs and medication do to your way of thinking . . .you did a good thing at least visiting the pscyh. Try to have an open mind Gled. Sometimes you parcel yourself before anyone else has a chance to really get to know you. Be open and honest. I'm very happy that you're getting help. Don't quit!



Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.

Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!

Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood