HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, March 29, 2010

Chinchillas and Teeth!

MY POOR Shreddie-muncher on Saturday got cancelled, so here's another cutie. I don't know if I'm going to have any "chins" in the near future. They're a bit big and the cage they need (which must be chew-proof, not just a rabbit-hutch) is enormous and very expensive too. Also they're social animals, so I'd need at least two. Having kept social hammies in groups, the group interaction entertainment is too much to miss. Also I think it's cruel to keep furry animals in solitary confinement. If you're going to make a South American Mars Rabbit who naturally sleeps most of the daytimes and spends evenings hoppetting and pinging about the stern crags of the High Andes reside in a metal dog-carrier-looking cage, the very least you can do is make the cage as spacious as possible, with toys like exercise wheels, which all rodents love (so much so that some species of hammy will neglect their babies in order to trundle away) and buy your pets company. In London, baby chinchillas are about £25 each and the 4ft x 3ft x 3ft cage would be about £100. Which is quite a lot of money. And not very practical when it's technically "no pets" and my robbies used to hide from the landlord by day in an aquarium stashed in a closet! At night they rambled in a furry pingpong balls donkey derby, all three scurrying on the wheel at once. Poor Baby Itchy, who was smallest and lightest couldn't always fit on and frequently ended up hanging on the side for dear life as her tubby Sister Spherical thundered obliviously onwards, on that big wheel in the dark.
Roborovski hamsters are extremely flighty by nature and startle easily, which doesn't really make them good pets for children, who of course will want to pick them up. Of my three, Itchy was the only one I managed to hand-tame, and even she was prone to unexpected panic, when she would bunny-hop on the floor. And sometimes escape this way. And go missing for three or four days at a time. Which had me absolutely fraught.
I couldn't believe it when she died. I actually cried. Then Bashful went. Spherical lived a further three months alone with all the seeds to herself, then she trundled on to that big wheel in the sky...
Small rodents like that have a typical life-span of only two months in the wild and mine lived just over two years. So I think they had a decent innings...
I'm still zigzagging about whether/when/how to get new ones. Robos aren't the easiest of pets to source. Lots of shops told me they wouldn't sell them because they're "too small, too fast and not suitable for children".
But if you think of them as furry tropical fish ~ it something you watch in the tank and don't expect to take out. Their antics were exceedingly amusing. They were my sole furry ray of light in some of the darkest months of my life, when I was in that crackhouse with Matran the Rat Man and prostitute girlfriend Laundretta. Nasty times!
I'm off to the dentist later this morning, hoping for an extraction. If he does yank the bad tooth, this will be my fourth, if an impacted wisdom tooth is counted as well.
My first extraction was pretty much an emergency. A tooth that had always twinged and annoyed me and I knew wasn't right but no dentist ever did anything for it, though they must have seen its rotten profile on x-ray exploded in a fairground crash on "dodgems". The top fell out. When he kindly pulled the base, what was left looked like a china toilet fitting full of rotten apple pulp. It was nasty. Then another dentist noticed the gap left by this and thought it would be cool to even out both sides. So he pulled a perfectly healthy tooth. It is this that has left me of a cynical view of dentists, who up till recently. got paid per filling/etc. (Now they're paid by patient, no matter how much work is required, making someone like me economically unviable). Anyway the NEXT dentist said whoever did that second extraction ought to be shot. Then I had constant wisdom tooth pains. I bit down deliberately on the gum, even though it hurt, thinking I was doing good. Until my next dentist showed me an x-ray of said tooth, still completely under the gum, shunting all the rest sideways... this, apparently, is what "impacted" means.
To treat it, he had to cut open my gum in a Y-shape, use a drill to destroy some of the top of the tooth, leaving space to grip and yank it out. Then he pulled really hard. I actually like extractions far more than fillings. Of course my mouth is frozen to liquid methane type temperatures so it's not as if I feel it. But fillings I detest. Anyway he pulled it out and all was fine. Until I tried to eat... and thought I would never eat again! For months I had a cavern there at the back. Ten years later it's nicely healed. And now this wobbler, that, so the internet tells me, either needs a root canal job, or pulling out and replacing with a falsie (which is my preferred option). Theoretically both treatments are free on the NHS...
I'm not quivering inwardly. I'm not in panic. But I'm not exactly looking forward to any of this and this teeth-talk's putting me off. So I'd better go. I'll let y'all know how I got on.
Have a nice day everyone!

5 comments:

Sometimes Saintly Nick said...

Thanks for all of the information, Gled. I hope that you can obtain some sort of hammies; I think you are good for each other. Blessings to you, my dear friend.

Gledwood said...

Thank you!
I probably will get robbies again. I'm all set up with the right equipment and I've a new (old algae-stained) tank that just needs cleaning and I might get glass shelves cut and attach them in with silicone sealant. That would look really cool as well.
My only fear with those is they're so tiny that if one did get out it could easily get under my main door to the hallway ~ which happens to have a great gap under it in this house... unless I could fit one of those brush draught-blocker things...
Hope all is well with you, thanks for the msg ;->...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dear Gledds,
I hope you have as little pain as possible. I wish you the best outcome possible.

My pets help a lot when I am down and depressed. I do think you should get some more hammies.

Love you lots,

SB

Syd said...

UGH is all I can express. I hope that you get all taken care of. You are too young to have bad teeth.
I too like the robos. They are sweet looking little pets.

P. Whiter said...

we have experienced the loss of my dear friend Jenny. She had battled leukemia for 10 years and is now cancer free in heaven sitting next to our Heavenly Father free of pain and hopefully sporting a beautiful head of hair! Today is the first day I have been able to let go of some of the sadness. While I know she was a believer in the Lord and she has eternal life, I really just wish she would have been able to be hear with us longer. She died at the age of 35 and I met her in her last two years of life. I was VERY fortunate to spend a significant amount of time with her over the last year as we trained together for the NIKE Womens Marathon. We talked a lot about her cancer and her intense life experiences. She had wisdom well beyond her years and I truly NEEDED to know her. She was a living, breathing, walking and talking example of the rare jewel of Christian contentment. Vanity was stripped from her as a result of her chemotherapy and steroid treatments and yet she seemed to glow and express the most amazing beauty I have ever seen in a woman. As I sort through my feelings and grieve I continue to clap my hands with joy in pure amazement that God allowed me the opportunity to know her.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood