HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, September 05, 2011

Cigarettes Level

MY CIGARETTE SMOKING IS LEVEL at about 15 per day. That's not bad, considering they're spindly rollies. I can get by on 10 superkings per day. Those are very long, ordinary thickness cigarettes. I break off the ends and get about 6 or 7 rollups as well as 10 ordinary length cigs. So my habit costs me about £20 per week. British cigarettes are very expensive.

I used NO GEAR yesterday or today (Sunday and Monday are the only days I've used on for weeks, mostly just Sundays). So I'm over 7 days clean now. I don't miss heroin at all. I did crave it yesterday, because I'm used to using on Sundays. But I do not want or need that muck in my veins.

I'm keeping my last memory of a needle in my vein a bad one: the blood test nurse tutting and muttering over my collapsing vessels. If I have bad memories to look back on, I reason, I won't have anything to set me off. Also you tend to glorify the past as you come off drugs and only remember the good days. In spates. Then you remember how bad it really was and are glad you never gave in during those episodes of glorification.

I'm watching a drama about multiple murderers Fred and Rosemary West called Appropriate Adult. The appropriate adult is someone they keep in with a suspect during interviews to ensure procedure is adhered to and that the suspect understands what's going on. Apparently they weren't sure whether or not Fred West was retarded!

The appropriate adult's partner got so excited by press camping round their house (the British press being especially voracious) that he went and caught Bipolar Mania, buying a new car, television and hifi equipment and ending up in a mental hospital. Now the appropriate adult has been sacked... end of part one.

I laughed at the beginning of that drama when they cracked a joke about the buried au pair not "having three legs" (ie 3 thigh bones of at least 2 people were found buried in close proximity). Then he talks about ripping a baby from a murdered woman's womb. And I wanted to be sick. The Wests apparently tortured these young women to death and what they did was vile.

Anyway back to cigarettes and now I have to give up smoking. And I wish my methadone clinic would reduce my dose I hate being on over 100mg.

Take care everyone.


Today's main illustrations are from the Aussie drama, Prisoner Cell Block H. If you want to see Fred and Rosemary West click the links I put up

11 comments:

Furtheron said...

I decided to pass on the West drama thinking that I probably didn't want to know about a lot of that stuff... Sounds like I made the right move!

Well done on the weekend - day at a time you will hopefully stay clean

Akelamalu said...

I watched 'Appropriate Adult'and thought it was very well done.

Glad to hear you haven't used Gleds. Good luck when you give up smoking too. x

bugerlugs63 said...

hi. so good to read you sounding so "together" massive progress this year . .huge . . wish I could do so well in a year & have so much determination. Saw my aunt in hosp last week on last bit of lung . .she has same as I have, emphasyma . .but she is 80 and gave up smoking 3 yrs ago. I was told to stop 2 yrs ago . . and I still came out of hospital after seing her and lit one up!! I mean how stupid must i be? knowing how it will end if I dont stop . . .dumb as fuck obviously. Im sure u will be able to stop . .you done it with gear, you can do it for sure. My Gledwood hammy has a permanent centre parting in his fur, from his nose right the way down his back . .so weird. As if he has slept in a very flat box that has flattened his fur. The thing is he shares his flat with two females (I know its knida asking for it but hey only got 18 at minute :-) They have two large bedrooms but he always sleeps outside/inside like in the middle of the cage, so no idea how he manages his "hair do"- he is very entertaining though . .well they all are, as you know. Anyway will try & not over do my "comment" just so ngood to read you doing so well
much love
di x

Anonymous said...

hey i'm up north and we have some gear here that doesn't need citric, it just disolves in water, no cooking either. its well strong, about 12 people have died this last month or two. only one dealer has it. everyone is still has low tolerance so they're dropping like flies. i think it pharms, maybe morphine or something. i don't really get that rush when u first do a hit, it kinda creeps on. but it knocks me on my arse. u got it down south? its virtually white, like a creamy colour...quarter of a bag fucks me up. strong stuff

Jan said...

Hey, this is Jan from There is No hero in Heroin and I need your help. Can you send me your email or email me at thereisnoheroinheroin@gmail.com so I can speak with you? My manuscript is being published, the picture I feature on my site is not high resolution and I need something similar to accommodate the cover.... do you think you can help me?

Hope all is well! I miss talkiing with you. Proud of you for quitting smoking. How is the non use going?
Jan

Syd said...

Gleds, I am really glad for you. This post uplifted my spirits. I know that you can stay clean. I know that you can get your self together and be okay. Happy as can be about your not using.

Lori said...

Gleds- Glad you are staying away from the gear. This is my problem with getting medicated at a clinic. They give you your dose all at once. I am on methadone for pain management, and am able to split my dose throughout the day as needed. You would think they would applaud you for wanting to lower your dose. I read somewhere that a drug craving actually lasts a total of 7 minutes. The intense part. "They" say that is you can out-wait that 7 minutes you will be able to think more clearly and make a better decision. Keep doing well Gleds. You have accomplished so much.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Well done, Gleds- x

Gledwood said...

Jan: my email is hammynutter@lycos.com

my computer is broken so I'm slower than normal at getting back to people but you're welcome to email me

Gledwood said...

Sorry my brain is slow today. A centre parting on a hamster? That sounds like greasy fur I don't know what you could do for that Buggerlugz.

I don't miss heroin at all strangely.

Anon that sounds like "white" heroin as they call it. I only came across gear that didn't need citric twice in 10 years ~ 8 years apart!

If it was pharmaceutical I would have thought it would be pure white. I knew someone on diamorphine amps years ago who said if you emptied them out (they were dry amps) the white stuff just dissolved into the paper you wrapped it in...

So that sounds more like an illegally manufactured drug. It might be another opiate not heroin eg morphine? Weird stuff like that tends to crop up in droughts. I hope another one is not on the way. Even though I'm steering clear of the Killer B myself.....

Sailor said...

Hi Gled! I was born and raised in Gloucester. I grew up in the Seventh Day Adventist cult and my old church is in most of the pictures of 25 Cromwell Street. I remember Fred, he used to chat to the old Jamaican women who made up my church. I don't know how he got away with it, Gloucester is so incestuous. Sailor x

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood