I stuck a knife in my foot

THERE WAS an abscess on my right foot. It was only about the size of a large coin but stood out hemispherical and purple and it hurt a lot. Especially putting shoes on. So I burnt off the end of my tomato-cutting knife, wiped it on my jumper then stuck the end right in, a good quarter of a centimetre and squeezed ~ oh and the bright red bloody pus that came out was gorgeous. Just when you thought it had all gone more huge globs oozed to freedom. Eventually I'd squeezed it so vigorously my abscess was flat. Unfortunately it's started filling up again, so I repeated the action yesterday and pus-water literally fountained at the ceiling. My two other abscesses are nearly healed.

I feel ill all the time in a run-down type of way that is probably called "depression". I've given up taking drugs every day as I can't afford it. I have £15 or £20 to last until the Monday after next, so I'm stocking up on baked beans and mini Hovis bread. I've also been feasting on sardine and mixed American salad sandwiches.

I don't know how to cure the depression. I wake every morning feeling like I want to pee and even when I do I still want to pee some more. So I get up and the uncomfortable feeling goes. Then I force myself in the shower. Many days I can only persuade myself to wash the bottom half. I get in there literally semi-clothed. But at least I've had half a shower. Then I wash my armpits in the sink. I know this is all terribly sad but when did I ever claim not to be a sad person?

I have a business idea that I reckon could really take off. Finally ~ my passport off benefits. But I will absolutely have to hire staff once this thing gets going. Purely because the running of the entire business will be down to me and I simply will not be allowed to be sick. Not even for one day. I worked out I will probably have to work 12-hour days in the beginning. But it's better than being on state benefits. If I don't get off benefits I will die on them. Probably by suicide. My single biggest regret in life is that my suicide attempts, which were serious, did not work. When I'm angry and down that's what I dwell on sometimes, because I had the drawer full of tricyclic antidepressants; I had the wherewithall to take them all. And I stopped at 70 pills. Pathetic. Truly pathetic. And when I woke up I felt more sick than I've ever felt in my life. Truly poisoned to my core.

Well I have to go. My foot is still hurting a bit. I'm looking forward to another session with the tomato knife. Maybe tomorrow during This Morning ~ as long as Holly and Phil are presenting.

Must go; hope you're all well. And HAPPY NEW YEAR.

Hey wasn't I stupid, thinking it was New Year's Eve when it was December 30? Just shows how much the ceremony means to me these days. I haven't been to a New Year's Eve party in a decade.

TAKE CARE EVERYONE.


WHY WE'RE BIPOLAR: NORMAL LIFE SUCKS
Thanks Buggerlugs THIS is real...

Terrible Sleep

MY SLEEP HAS GONE SO BAD I didn't bother sleeping at all last night. We have a new girl in the next room with rough friends who are too stupid to ring the correct bell so I found myself yelling at some faceless person over the intercom at 2am. I did get a little bit of sleep around six but then Everybody Loves Raymond and Frasier came on. I feel a bit hypomanic but it probably won't last. I'll crash and sleep for hours and hours and wake up feeling run down and sad. That's scenario one. Or scenario 2 is my sleep still won't come back and I'll possibly go into proper mania. I've been having symptoms like people seeming to talk to me on the street (from the other side of the road) and my head racing fast fast fast. But not too fast. And then when I close my eyes to sleep sometimes my head is lit up with the most amazing vivid dream-imagery, even though I'm wide awake and when that happens I know sleep is going to be hard to come by. By the time the images (which are random, like golden ants circling round and round on a tree stump, or dogs wearing dinner jackets like in the Michael Jackson Leave Me Alone Video.... by the time these are more vivid than the reality with my eyes open I'm in full mania and sleep is just an impossibility. I don't think I'm manic by the way. I think I am going to sleep because I feel kind of speedy and tired at the same time. I just thought I would have gone back to bed by now. It's 11:09 and I had to get to the chemist at some time between 9 and 7 to drink one day's methadone under patronizing Supervised Consumption and to pick up another three days' to keep me going over the new year "break" (which has no good associations for me ~ at the millennium I was so stressed by the pressure of it all I found myself crying before I went out and of course you have to take your Es or other drugs early so you're flying by midnight when usually I only dropped my first one-and-a-half AT midnight ~ this was so I could dose again at 2am (a single pill, making my intake for the night 2.5 pills) and my E would be coasting down pleasantly by 6am when all major dance parties ended. After that if you were in Brixton you could go to the Fridge Bar which was full of nutters; if you were elsewhere in town there was often an official after party for pillheads who want to continue taking E and speed and whatever else they fancied right into the afternoon. Then you'd end up in someone's house you barely knew kind of stuck there not wanting to be there yet not wanting to go home. Whenever I was "having an affair" I'd ALWAYS go back to their place and rarely if ever invite them over to mine (something to do with other people in my room feeling like an invasion; I never was truly comfortable with anyone in my room even when they were just coming in to see Pandable the hamster who did a teapot trick where you flipped the lid up and he appeared hands together all faye looking surprised. The Australian girl I went out with briefly used to say "Pandable's just like a cartoon character". Hamsters are banned in Australia so the poor Aussies are deprived of the joys of tubby tail-less poppy-eyed rodents. Though I'm sure isolated enthusiasts keep them illicitly. My online friend Buggerlugz has TWENTY-SEVEN teenytiny pinging roborovski hamsters ~ the tiniest and quickest (and hardest to tame) of all hammies. And she has twenty-seven. I asked whether she ever puts a whole bunch of them in the bath to run around like furry Scalectrix. I used to let Bashful, Itchy and Spherical go for pings in the bath and they loved it. I had to put the plug in as Itchy was so tiny she could, if she'd really wanted, have squeezed her head and thus possibly her body, no matter how tubby it looked, down the drain!

Well I'm off to do some research about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome being the product of an over-active rather than an underactive brain. This makes perfect sense to me. When you have M.E. as it always used to be called over here, you feel like a phone with a knackered battery. You can rest and feel fully charged but that charge just drains to nothing so incredibly quickly the only thing you can do on a truly bad day is rest up for hours on end in bed. If it hadn't been for Talk Radio UK I think I would have lost my mind because I felt too ill even to watch television (the "photophobia" made my eyesight incredibly glary. I have this theory that all my problems are down to misplacement of energy. Depression where energy is very low. Anxiety where energy is misused, clenching itself round your heart. And mania where at the truly full-on stage the energy literally shines out of you like sunbeams. I used to have a manic headgame where I played tennis with my excess energy. Batting this ball back and forth as I paced frantically along the streets. I'm so glad to have experienced mania, it's one of the most amazing experiences of my life. To go so high I actually got higher than any drug had ever taken me ~ and I've tried everything. I felt like I was turning from physicality into pure energy and spiritual form. As the mania wore off I suddenly had a feeling one day of my feet literally and physically being on the ground, whereas before I had felt like I was flying. This manic episode went on for weeks and weeks. The very most intense part was the first week of it (following weeks of stormy moods). Within 5 days I was so hyped up I was screaming incoherently and roaring like a wild animal in the middle of my room. People in my house avoided me for weeks afterwards and people in shops visibly backed away. I have never been in such an intense state in my life and like I say, it took weeks for it to fully die down, with a couple of intense resurgences. I was medicated during most of those weeks and the antipsychotic meds actually made me feel better, because it seemed to do little to dampen my euphoria, but it did quell a lot of the agitation I felt and so respiradone was very helpful in that respect. I just wish I'd known the stuff could actually CAUSE anxiety as I started having panic attacks or near-panic-attacks in the weeks following.

What am I talking about? Oh yeah ME or CFS. Which I definitely used to have and still ahve traces of (it hardly ever goes away entirely)... being a displacement of energy and my life's illnesses being obvious displacements of energy. Chinese doctors believe all illness is an imbalance in "qi" or "chi" ~ the lifeforce. But I think in my case the imbalance was more plain for all to see. My university years were ruined by an attack of anxious depression that took over three years to fade. After that I got ME (CFS) after that I started getting mildly bipolar symptoms, after that I went on heavy drugs and the heroin levelled out my mood incredibly well. And after that (thanks to methadone) the bipolar came back with avengeance and now here I am on the cusp of New Year's Eve with my resolution and goal being to get my magazine off the ground. I am absolutely determined to produce this magazine. There's none quite like it. Ever since I was at school and co-edited the UN-official school magazine I've had an eye for publishing opportunities. I never got into any industry that truly suited me because I was so painfully lacking in confidence I'd never have got the job. Nothing to do with any lack of talent. Everything to do with lack of bullshitting skills. One thing I learned during my years on drugs was some self esteem. I hit lows so bad that I absolutely had to believe in myself ~ even in some tiny way ~ against everything. Because nothing meant anything, there was a highspeed railway line at the top of my road and all I really wanted to do was to stand in front of an express train, arms held out like a cross, and get blasted into infinity. Then I realized, because I believe in Jesus Christ, that I'd not get even one single moment's rest before I woke up again to have to live over again when all I wanted was to die die die, to never think, feel, be thought or felt about, never to remember and never to be remembered. That's what I wanted. And if it would have hurt my family that bad to see me go I'd happily have killed them too. What business anybody had actually wanting to live, I simply could not comprehend. I thought all belief in life was a delusion and I only regretted having been born to see the sheer evil in the world. A world that criticized me and called me wrong for taking a drug that took the evils of the world away, if only for a few hours. Heroin fed my nihilism in a big way for a long time. But nothing in my drug addiction was ever sraightforward or easy to explain.

I'll leave it there. I didn't mean to launch into a rant about my miseries but my point, I suppose, is that I DO WANT TO LIVE NOW, that I HAVE A REASON FOR LIVING. AND I WANT TO TURN MY MAGAZINE INTO A REALITY. I'M UTTERLY DETERMINED TO DO THIS.

Now I'll take this opportunity to WISH YOU ALL A VERY NICE NEW YEAR'S EVE AND AN EFFORTLESSLY SUPERIOR 2012 ~ MAY IT BE WAY BETTER THAN THAT MIXED BAG THEY LABELLED 2011!

HAPPY NEW YEAR FOLKS: 12 HOURS 10 MINUTES TO GO!


Illustrated: I'm a Little Pandable Short and Stout Here's my PANDABLE! HERE'S MY SPOUT!




HARDCORE TECHNO VOL 1 (TIËSTO)




HARDCORE TECHNO VOL 2

Mariana-Deep

THAT'S HOW DEEPLY I SLEPT last night. 36,201 feet, 11,034 metres deep*.
And I slept from about 3am till 8pm, that's about 17 hours. I was tired. All that cleaning has exhausted me. And that was natural sleep without pills or potions other than the prescribed methadone (back to the full dose, half-dosing made me sick about a day or a day-and-a-half later). I don't obsessively check times and doses with methadone. For someone who's been labelled neurotic more than once I'm remarkably unneurotic when it comes to detoxification. I have in the past cut myself down very steeply from methadone (and felt dreadful) and heroin (and felt fine). Not that methadone is FAR WORSE and a TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE TREATMENT FOR HEROIN ADDICTION but there you go!

I cut my drinking by about two thirds yesterday down to 2.75 cans, each can holds 500mls so I had somewhere around 100mls alcohol, 10 units. My maths fails me. Today I've had 2.25 cans, which would be around 80mls alcohol, 8 units.

I could swap over to benzodiazepines (e.g. Valium) and taper down on pills. Clinics do this (they don't give drink!) and lots of people do it informally. Or I could cut down by just drinking less. I don't know. A Smirnoff cloudy lemonade 700ml bottle is 4% ABV, only 28mls/2.8 units for £3 and that's really nice. Unfortunately in the past I tended to knock it down very quickly in compensation. I'm already drinking my drink mixed with fruit juice. This makes it less dehydrating but has the disadvantage of being a bit too tasty. Nicer than any premixed drink sold in the shops and I've tried a few.

So I'm not sure what to do, whether to cut down on drink or to switch to pills. The advantage of the pills is you lose the buzz of alcohol and once you cut down tiny you cannot feel anything at all. So it's actually cleaner. Alcohol is just too nice. Akh I don't know what to do.

The other thing is, clinics usually use Valium or more frequently Librium or Ativan (lorazepam). I don't trust the supply of Valium because a lot is if not fake then unreliable. The temazepam I got was OK. Normally if I got something like that I'd go for Valium, but I got temazepam on instinct because it's not internationally as well known and I've never heard of it being faked. (Bootleg meds are made in far-away countries; the manufacturers tend to go for the best-known and hence internationally most saleable product.) The main difference between the two is that Valium is a better muscle relaxant, temazepam is more sedating. (Temazepam is traded as Restoril in the USA.) Being as I'm not in it for either effect I suppose I have my answer. If I want a benzo, any one will do.

I still don't know what road to take. I'm very tempted to ring Mr Temazepam and make the switchover. I'm only posting this so you can follow my reasoning. Would I be doing something wrong to essentially replicate what hospitals and clinics do?

My fear is of simply derailing one habit into another. Alcohol is more dangerous than benzos. Both are addictive. Akh. I don't know.

Welcome to 2011 everyone :-)

It's 2am. BBC News Channel has started already on BBC1. Sometimes it comes on early. Whenever it does come on, I feel like I should sleep...

*Vityaz-1 Deep in the Mariana Trench is said to contain the deepest water on the face of the earth

Wikipedia: Alcohol Withdrawal
Wikipedia: Alcohol Detoxification

Happy New Year 2011

WE HAVE WORLD WAR III style fireworks going off on both ends of our street. Strains of Auld Lang Syne waft up from downstairs...

I'm not alcohol-free, but I'm probably sober enough to drive, for once..(!)

MAY THIS YEAR BE WAY BETTER THAN THE BIG-O-SHYTE OLD ONE!

VAGATOR HILL TOP (ANJUNA) GOA
2005 New Year's Eve (looks more like New Year's Day to me).
I've been here, New Year's Eve 2001:~<
The second tune is way better than the 1st



HOLYMEN: SIMON SAID
If you've been out all night (ooo you young people!) and require some psychedelic acidic visuals, have a look at this. One question though: what on earth are you doing reading my blog??
Akh, this tune has a weird oppressive beat. I just like the picture:

And a Trotterdonkey New Year...!

HAPPY 2010! ...!



Everything continues from before. Nothing in 2010 is new, because the seeds for everything were sown last year or before ("as ye sow, so shall ye reap"). 2010 marks an entire decade lost to heroin. It is always very difficult to date when the problem started because I was messing about with the drug intermittently for quite some years before I ever got truly addicted. (Indeed it was these early experiences and how easily I quit, like quitting smoking that gave me a very false impression of how serious and all-encompassing heroin addiction actually WAS.) Having said that these "dabblings" were only a mere three or four years at longest. (I could go months at a time without using... although the intervening intervals got shorter and shorter and shorter of course...) And before THAT (which I failed to realize for many years even constituted the same story) there was drug experimentation ~ in quite severe depressive states where NO sane person would experiment with drugs like LSD... all in all I have a drug history approaching 20 years. And right from the start I was being called a smackhead. Those people were joking because none of us used heroin. But they saw something in me...

So it's all about turning corners. I'm bored of this life. Utterly bored. So it's time to move on...

I hope everybody had a nice time last night. What did yous all do? Did anyone drink too much? Did anyone go out and yet not drink at all?...?

Boy George the reformed heroin addict (who has long been on the European DJ circuit) ~ just released from prison following a drug-frazzled attack on a gay escort ~ so he has more reason than most to steer clear of intoxicating substances ~ has opened a London club where NOBODY DRINKS OR TAKES DRUGS AT ALL!

And apparently a good time is had by all..!

I think I might go...

Oh well, I just trawled for George's alcohol-free clubnight... it seems he's still on a curfew (and says he lost £400,000 by not being allowed to appear on Celebrity Big Brother because of this ~ where is the sense in criminal justice STOPPING CRIMINALS EARNING AN HONEST LIVING? Ridiculous!



And NOW HERE WE GO: MY (selective) 2010 PREDICTIONS FOR THE NEXT DECADE!

~ crime and disorder and social breakdown spreads

~ climate problems increase. Food shortages (in selected items) become the norm

~ another terrorist atrocity of 9/11 magnitude in London, New York or somewhere of that ilk

~ civil liberties completely eroded in pursuit of these terrorists ~ utterly chucking baby out with bathwater..!

~ younger generation become increasingly rude, ignorant and intimidating. Especially in UK. Good manners become "old skool" thing of the past...

~ United States and Britain to become financially as well as morally bankrupt, due to bad business models and unresolved ridiculous borrowing crisis

~ Moral standards fall through the floor: e.g. Hollywood to incorporate hardcore porn into (some) mainstream movies

and so on and so on. Happy new year folks!!





SNOW PATROL: CHASING CARS
You might think you don't know this song, but trust me you surely do!
It got named Song Of The Decade on last night's cultural roundups. Well worth a click:



LEONA LEWIS: RUN
Snow Patrol had never had a UK #1 until Leona did this cover ~



Illustrated: Trotterdonkey and furry foals; No U-Turns!; this is what LSD looks like ~ 4 trips are about the size of a small postage stamp (and that's what I took, all at once, the first time I ever "dropped" the stuff. Lovely..!); Boy George...

Happy New Year 2010

I nearly forgot to say this... but have a brilliant one!
(And don't over-celebrate..!)

SUSAN BOYLE: WILD HORSES
SuBo is surely the international talent find of 2009; this is (what I think is) her best track ~



***STOP PRESS***
If you want to see SuBo actually sing the song live, this is from America's Jay Leno show...



HAVE A GREAT 2010!

Hello 2009!

WELL I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A HAPPY ONE Y'ALL... did yous all go to great TV-news-captured celebrations? Or just stayed in and got staggering drunk? Or just stayed in and drank half a grape juice? Which is worse? Depends where you're coming from...

Well I "used" yesterday and some urgency told me to get all three hits done and dusted before the fateful chimes (any excuse to use quickly). Which meant I spent most of yesterday evening comatose kind of half hanging off the bed (which is how I always sleep on drugs: if not bolt upright head lolling backwards or in some other odd position...)

I had half a mind to go out and hit the local populace for spare change, the theory being that drunk + red letter day = generous (well it always used to). I've not gone begging in quite some time so that would have felt like a step backwards. Instead I stayed in bed agonizing about this and watched Elton John see in 2009 with celebrity friends blablah...

Can I just say: what on earth was that I spewed out yesterday? Not so much WHAT I wrote but the words... I just looked them over; they went duhduhduhDUDUDUHHH on me. Which is writing in serious need of hacking around. In mitigation, may I say that I DID write the entire post in shorthand. Which involves staring at a page full of what looks like barbed wire HOPING that some words might eventually emerge. It can be a forlorn hope.

Anyway that's about all. I have not used in 2009 (except methadone), and I don't feel that spectacular as a result. My willpowe is wavering and, while we're on "clean" I have realized I'm going to put a hell of a lot more welly into this process than before... and STOP MAKING EXCUSES! Which I am World Expert at...

I was reading a book by an Aussie chick who experimented with heroin after student days... wound up as a street hooker, jumped into the legalized 6-room brothel system they run in Melbourne and became one of their most prized "ladies"... anyway SHE was saying she went right through detox-'n'-rehab after 2 years of daily using and sailed through the withdrawal part. Only when she became hooker extraordinaire did her habit really amp up. My point being that by 2 years I had the most reeking habit on "gear" was so badly addicted it was unreal. Most of this was psychological and that's my point but I couldn't even watch morning television without the most overpowering association to scoring. As I'd turn up 10am at the same person's house each morning Mon-Fri and there we would await "da man" as BBC's daily tripe spewed on. Not to mention eating, sleeping everything else in life being by this time totally tied up with using. It was impossible.

Anyway today I've been drinking weak cyder (someone dropped a full bottle on my road and waste not want not) and as I say not using and where there's life there is hope! Sorry I've got to go my brains are hobbled...

I'M STILL STANDING
OK this one came on last night's Elton-a-thon. I 1st heard this at school (of all places) where this 13 yr old girl stood up and belted it out expressing all that it meant... which is kind of remarkable. But WHO chose this deadbeat-a-delic video? They should be terminated!

First Day of Tomorrow!

2008. Here we are. Fourteen hours into the new year already and it's all change..!!.. NOT!¬

ACTUALLY I FEEL QUITE INVIGORATED AND INSPIRED today... to rise, like the cream or scum that I am right up to that top where I belong... onwards and upwards!!

My Mum rang me at 00:04 hrs from intellectual France wishing me a happy one. She said she and Brian (her husband) had done it with champagne and massive stacks of oysters. (Well there is an R in the month.) I told her I'd done it with a cheese roll and a can of cyder and she laughed.

Yesterday's Thai babycorn green leaves chicken from the Chinese takeaway was far from inspiring. I couldn't believe they had the cheek to do what they actually did... What I basically got was one container normal fry rice - no prob. The other container even before I opened it... couldn't help but remark to myself how very bright pink it was... exceedingly so. It was not Thai at all. What they had done is take a standard industrial, over-coloured Chinese sweet and sour sauce (which I loathe. I can't stand sweet and sour; as well as being the most cliche'd westernized shorthand for oriental food, the taste of boiled sweets really does not go with fried chicken... anyway... in this psychedelically bright pink sweet and sour they'd tipped another sauce. This one was pretty spicy and nice. So spicy in fact that it drowned out sweet and sour enough that I didn't take the whole thing straight back and complain. But there were literally 3 tiny green spinach leaves. And the baby corn were limp and wilty and so obviously long past their best it was horrible. I really am going to have to have a word with them about that it was well substandard...

Anyway: all this talk of Eastern food has got me pondering: and I present!:~

The Fantasy Chopstick Chinese and Thai Takeaway!!

Sample menu:
Try the Squatting Dragon set meal!:~~

Shi Tibum Chicken with Faast Pu Sauce
Big Pong Pork with Run Toy Let Dressings
with complimentary Ae Ki Be Li pancake rolls
Optional recommended:
(Northern Thai) Ru Ni Spla Ta Yuk Yuk curry (warning: extra hot!)
or an equivalent "dish" from the south (actually only a large tureen will hold it:)
King Prawn and Squid Special Go Khrap Cuiq
or perhaps try the even hotter:
King Prawns Fiil Laik Dai (it's what the prawns died of: comes up even quicker than it went down...)

I hope that amused y'all...

EVILSTEIN's "fixed" the front door (yet again) and done it so badly that the inner mechanism fails to engage with the outer keyturny chamber or latchyflick knob. Meaning that I spent ten minutes confronted last night by a heavy thunky front door that had locked me in... and only judicious excavations with a pea-fork would finally dislodge the Yale bolt from its bolthole... even then it proved to have jammed. I unjammed it by forcing it and then something went click inside and the lock was totally disengaged. Meaning the handle just turned fatuously round and round without unlocking anything. And the key turned round and round and even worse got stuck! Thankfully bashing the (open-doored) lock-part sideways released this. But imagine coming back at 2am on the street. Locked out! With your keys! And to add insult to injury: the door grabs hold of said keys and will not let them go! Hopefully this will happen to Gnomenstein..!! (haha!!)

***

"Charmed I'm sure" as my grandmother's generation used to say...

Now I must go and compose to great literary themes (ie the tale of my life - what could be grander than that..?!? (lots of things actually: but hey!))

and if I get stuck I'll just have poor Gwendolina, locked in the kitchen for her misbehaviour, baying sorrowfully at the pale striplight and fruitlessly trying to nudge her giant snout between the sink unit and cooker to retrieve a dropt piece of bacon...

righty-ho!
hope the new one's going good Everyone

did anyone actually get a hangover? if so please do tell how/wherefore/etc etc in my comments: c'mon!!

***

I've found two magnificent "videos of the day"~~~
1: Mr Putin: Why Can't All Men Be Like You (Russian girlgroup political promo for the revered Dictator)
2: Shock News: Cigarettes are Good For You!

Resolutions!

DO YOU LIKE PRINCESS MARGARET (the late Princess Margaret) with her drink and fag? I was sure every other photo I'd find would have her with drink in one hand, cig in the other: that's how I remember her. Seems in actuality she was more discreet than that - as you can see the rum-&-Coke's been quickly stashed behind her and the fag put down in the bottom of the frame but not quite out of shot... Rumour even had it that Princess Margo's drunken dropped Dunhill that sparked the great Windsor Castle fire of 1992 though Buckingham Palace still vigorously denies this ...

Actually I am writing this on Sunday night the 30th of December. And I am all forlorn and lost-feeling and depressed. Hmmm. Also I've had the heating on and working so very successfully I am now sweltering...

Well, whatever: on to Resolutions.

I don't actually make New Year's resolutions these days, having always believed that just doing things, whatever the time of year is by far the best course of action. Also, January 1st is but an arbitrary date to me. I've always felt my personal New Year began around September - in line with the academic year.

Having said all that, here are some things I'd like to accomplish in 2008:

~ Finish Memoirs
~ Write Baying Gwendolina novel
~ Get 1000 hits a day on blog (as if - I think it would be easier to sell five million books and at least I'd get paid handsomely for that)
~ Learn to cook just like Chinese takeaway (and save £££s)
~ Move out of present craphole where I live (by choice; not eviction)
~ Cease all nonprescribed drugtaking and immoderate drinking
~ Give up smoking

If I manage just one of these I'll call it an achievement; all 7 and it's a genuine miracle!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008 EVERYONE!
MAY IT BE FAR BETTER THAN YUKKY OLD 2007!!

Aargh! I am sposed to finish here. And yet the emptiness is killing me. So here's a poem I really like. (From Shakespeare.)

Fear no more the heat of the sun
nor the furious winter's rages;
thou thy wordly task hast done,
home art gone, and ta'en thy wages.
Golden lads and girls all must,
as chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

Fear no more the frown of the great
thou art past the tyrant's stroke.
Care no more to clothe and eat;
to thee the reed is as the oak.
The sceptre, learning, physick must,
as chimney-sweepers, come to dust.

Fear no more the lightning flash,
nor th' all-dreaded thunder-stone;
fear not slander, censure rash;
thou has finished joy and moan.
All lovers young, all lovers must
consign to thee and come to dust.

No exorciser harm thee
nor no witchcraft charm thee!
Ghost unlaid forbear thee;
nothing ill come near thee!
Quiet consumation have
and renownèd be thy grave.

Cymbeline 4:2:259-282


The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
he makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside the still waters.
He resores my soul;
he leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the prescence of my enemies;
you annoint my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I will dwell in the house of God
for ever.

Psalm 23


R: If I profane with my unworthiest hand
this holy shrine, the gentle sin is this:
my lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand
to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
J: Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,
which mannerly devotion shows in this;
for saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,
and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.
R: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
J: Aye, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.
R: O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do!
They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.
J: Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.
R: Then move not while my prayer's effect I take. - (they kiss; woo!)

from Romeo and Juliet 1:5:93-106...

After 3am

I KNOW WHAT my real Resolution should be: to have some respect for myself. Because some couple of years ago, feeling suicidal and yet unwilling, when it came to it, to actually perform the act. Though even the train drivers (well, one driver in particular somehow saw into my eyes at 90+ mph. I wasn't being stupid, either. Wasn't acting out or hanging off the edge of the platform.) He just saw my eyes and frantically waved his arms across each other as if to say "DON'T!"

Something else along those lines happened another time.

And I lost all respect formyself. Let everything go. RAtcheted up my beloved bank account, which allowed me a Visa debit card with holographic flying wings, right far past the max until the entire account was suspended on me. I had kept that card through thick and think and the pits of homelessness and addiction. It represented my future and a nominal place as a respectable member of society. I was the ONLY junkie I knew who'd managed to hold on to such a relic of past life. Most had never had Visa cards. Because, being fulltime junkies since 18 or even 16, they'd never had jobs or normal lives...

I used to cradle this Visa card in my hand, as I slouched on a damp mattress all alone by flickering candle light in a raindripping cavern of an abandoned industrial building. I would tilt the card and watch the birdie flying free.

While I lived out this subterranean life...

And every day, when I woke I felt like I was lying face-down on the pavement, banging my head on the ground. "This does not work. I cannot do this any more."

And so I hit rock bottom every day. And yet lived on.

FOR MY SINS.

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Video of the Day:
Queens' Speeches Go International -
This one is the:
Dutch Queen's Speech!!

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I was going to post lots more blarble but I've got Thai chicken babycorn egg fly lice wafting mysterious oriental aromas out of a plastic bag so I must go back and devour it!!

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Meanwhile, New Year has kicked off in Australia, New Zealand and many South Sea Islands already. It's nine minutes to 5pm as I write... Japan to get it very soon... America and Canada, you are still late morning in New York and the eastern seaboard; not even 9am in Vancouver and LA...

I will not be able to get to everybody's pages in time to say this individually, so I'll say it again here:-

HAVE A MARVELLOUS 2008 EVERYBODY!!!

STOP PRESS ~ 19/01/10 ~ someone put the most disgusting picture on my hyperlink here. If you click on this you either get needle and candle or a starfish. (Clue: not sea variety...)