HAMSTERS & HEROIN: Not all junkies are purse-snatching grandmother-killing psychos. I'm keeping this blog to bear witness to that fact.

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DIARY OF A SLOWLY RECOVERING HEROIN ADDICT

I used to take heroin at every opportunity, for over 10 years, now I just take methadone which supposedly "stabilizes" me though I feel more destabilized than ever before despite having been relatively well behaved since late November/early December 2010... and VERY ANGRY about this when I let it get to me so I try not to.

I was told by a mental health nurse that my heroin addiction was "self medication" for a mood disorder that has recently become severe enough to cause psychotic episodes. As well as methadone I take antipsychotics daily. Despite my problems I consider myself a very sane person. My priority is to attain stability. I go to Narcotics Anonymous because I "want what they have" ~ Serenity.

My old blog used to say "candid confessions of a heroin and crack cocaine addict" how come that one comes up when I google "heroin blog" and not this one. THIS IS MY BLOG. I don't flatter myself that every reader knows everything about me and follows closely every single word every day which is why I repeat myself. Most of that is for your benefit not mine.

This is my own private diary, my journal. It is aimed at impressing no-one. It is kept for my own benefit to show where I have been and hopefully to put off somebody somewhere from ever getting into the awful mess I did and still cannot crawl out of. Despite no drugs. I still drink, I'm currently working on reducing my alcohol intake to zero.

If you have something to say you are welcome to comment. Frankness I can handle. Timewasters should try their own suggestions on themselves before wasting time thinking of ME.

PS After years of waxing and waning "mental" symptoms that made me think I had depression and possibly mild bipolar I now have found out I'm schizoaffective. My mood has been constantly "cycling" since December 2010. Mostly towards mania (an excited non-druggy "high"). For me, schizoaffective means bipolar with (sometimes severe)
mania and flashes of depression (occasionally severe) with bits of schizophrenia chucked on top. You could see it as bipolar manic-depression with sparkly knobs on ... I'm on antipsychotic pills but currently no mood stabilizer. I quite enjoy being a bit manic it gives the feelings of confidence and excitement people say they use cocaine for. But this is natural and it's free, so I don't see my "illness" as a downer. It does, however, make life exceedingly hard to engage with...

PPS The "elevated mood" is long gone. Now I'm depressed. Forget any ideas of "happiness" I have given up heroin and want OFF methadone as quick as humanly possible. I'm fed up of being a drug addict. Sick to death of it. I wanna be CLEAN!!!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Attack of the Furry Entertainers!

Monday, January 03, 2011

In answer to some comments


THESE ARE SOME COMMENTS I got at my Gun to My Head post:

Syd said ...
If you know that you are lost and messed up
, why not make a decision to be found and not messed up. If detoxing makes you hyper and pace, then detox while picking up the place and pacing back and forth with the bags of garbage and such. There is a solution Gleds. Look for the solution and not at the problems and why you can't do this or that. I agree with you that trying is BS. Taking good positive action with bettering your life would help you and help us who care about you.

29 December 2010 00:45


BeenThere said...
Syd hit the nail on the head. What you look at is what you'll see and what you look for is what you'll find. If you develop your many positive, innocent interests, and start viewing yourself as an instrument (for better or worse) you'll begin doing better. No one blames a hammer for breaking a window. Allow positive influences to motivate you.

We can all feel bad about stuff, or miserable with the state we're in - but it's all relative.

You've got in your states through not coping for various reasons. Every individual gets where they are through not coping in the way others think they should. We all get labelled. People deal with their lot in different ways. Bad mothers and fathers are just as human as kids who suffered because of them. They were also kids once.

Past sh*t is just that and should be flushed away. Keep stirring it up with a stick and it will continue to be a stink in your nostrils.

Too much time spent in self-analysis is wasteful, especially when your life is stagnant through drug addiction. Live a little and analyze new material. Delving into your sickness of mind is also a waste of time by now.Concentrating so much on that makes you sicker. Instead, wonder at how well your mind functions in so many ways, in spite of all the abuse you've thrown at it.

Perception of good and evil can be triggered by electrodes as well as by chemical abuse, as can various moods from joy to despair, from blind terror to uncontrollable mirth - none of which are "real".

When you dwell on the effects that chemicals or sadness have on your state of mind, you cause them to become a "reality" for you, but it is just your own perception.

You can change the way your brain is wired, takes about 3 months to a year - it has been scientifically proven. Bad tempered individuals have been able to train their behaviour in a way that re-wires the connections in their brain. It required effort, and they got headaches, but it worked.

You can develop a "can do" attitude to replace the "disabled" one which is not a true reflection of who you are, but who you have become. You are in control. Not the past, not the way you are or were wired, not alcohol,not heroin or any other drugs, and not your "loving mother" or any other people. You are not disabled in mind or body.You have family who love you. You are so lucky with so much to fight for.


30 December 2010 16:57


Anonymous said...
what about a normal picture of yourself?

31 December 2010 04:02


Gledwood said...
Syd: I did make a decision to be found and not messed up. HEROIN did that perfectly for me. Without heroin I hear fracture up, hear voices, dissociate and am prone to uncannily powerful (and not so powerful) mood swings. It's absolutely impossible to "Decide" not to be that way. That's WHO I AM. Come on Sid! I'm not saying that's a bad way to be. It's far better than being "normal". But not conducive to engaging with this world that is too shitty to bother with anyway. Ie I have an alternative coping mechanism that is FAR SUPERIOR to drugs, as it's cheaper, inherent to me and nobody can ever take it away


BeenThere: I'm not disabled. Only conventional thinking says that. I'm fine. The world is disabled. Their idea of reality is lying in a cold bath freezing feeling suicidal. I'd rather be who I am then who THEY think I should be any day. So that IS WHO I AM.

Anon: those pictures aren't me. I never have and never will post up a picture of me. If I did I'd close my blog and stop posting

3 January 2011 18:26

I think people are reading more into what I said than I actually did. Surely there is nothing unusual in having a more rational part of your mind who guides your person, divorced from your actual self who is what that person is...

I am quite happy in my own fractured way. Heroin was the best drug I ever found to hold my various aspects together. Still they did not make sense one to another. They barely communicated and why should they?

All the past week the experience I had when I "went crazy" came back at a lower grade. Every night and sometimes in the day I have been hearing voices. Hearing voices is good. Being lost and fragmented is a good thing. It means I am disengaged from the chilly misery of concenus reality. Being lost is good, because it means I am lost from what you might call reality, I call suffering.

I only think there is something wrong, not because I feel "bad" but because I know that by not engaging the supposedly responsible side of me is doing nothing. Hence the mess I live in.

Yes sometimes I do feel bad, that's a kind of depression. Sometimes I feel good. Sometimes extremely good. I don't care whether I'm hallucinating or not. Hallucinations put you in touch with the greater reality. If you're not hallucinating you're a poorer soul than me. You are utterly stuck in the mundane half-life people call Living a Life. When you're stressed I bet you feel bad. When I feel stressed, I often feel euphoric.

Where does this idea come from that to feel lost I must inevitably spend hours and hours dwelling on past events and misery? Did I ever tell anybody I did that? If you heard that, you weren't hearing what I say. When I say "I had depression since childhood" I'm stating a fact. I'm not delving into that depression, or whatever reasons might or might not be behind it. I'm giving a pure statement of fact. I barely EVER consider my childhood. I tell you I had depression since then as I don't flatter myself that every single reader of my blog should peruse every single post I've ever written and arrange them into a scheme. A lot of my writing is shortcuts for the new, the forgetful or those with attention spans such as mine: ie poor ones. Please read what I put, not what YOU might mean if YOU put it.

As I said before I barely indulge in self-analysis, except when, for example, constructing a timeline that explains the inexplicable. I have had to do this to be able to tell psychiatrists what happened and when. So very many times I've oversimplified only to be written off. Their how long probably means "when were the first signs and when did it taper away" ~ my how long means "what was the very peak of an experience". Two very different time frames. Only recently did I realize the confusion this has caused. Not that those headshrinkers give a flying turd what happened or when but I owe myself to answer accurately.

It's not natural to live in the plasticated world we live in. If I'm coping better with it than you, you want to ask yourself WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???!

NOW LET'S LEAVE IT AT THAT!!

I want my house clean because it will get my pettyminded landlord and pathetic housemates off my back. The rest of my life I'm happy to go on living as a trip.

Life is tripping. Dreams are tripping. Consciousness is the ultimate trip. You do not need drugs of any kind to trip. I'm happy as I am. There's nothing wrong with me. It's the world who's broken and fractured. If I'm not entirely together, that's techtonic pressures of the world putting undue duress on me.

So thank y'all for those comments. "Disabled" is the box the UK Government's benefits system wants to chuck me and many like me into. I don't see myself as disabled. They do. So I'm only disabled inasmuch as they insist on seeing me that way. Just about the unhealthiest way of anyone seeing anyone else. I go through life pretending to be well. I never pull an "I'm sick act" unless I'm at the end of my tether. Then I realize, "hey the Government say I'm sick so who are YOU (e.g. my landlord) to disagree! The entire system is far sicker than I ever was. I know people with paranoid schizophrenia and the Government is considerably sicker than them also!

I will be fine. I knew I'd not be the same off opiates. Opiates gave an illusion of several spheres integrating into one person. You are all like me. You might wish to consider yourself otherwise but you are just like me. Set those spheres free. One day you may hear Music of the Spheres. And that, my friends, is SUBLIME.


Mental health organization: hearing voices

THIS POST IS NOT AN ATTACK ON SYD, OR BEEN THERE OR ANONYMOUS. DON'T TAKE MY RANTING PERSONALLY PLEASE, Y'ALL HIT ON A VERY PERTINENT NERVE

THAILAND, land of smiles...

Ko Pha Ngan Full Moon Party



Thai girls dancing, Ko Pha Ngan Full Moon Party


14 comments:

Sarcastic Bastard said...

It's your life, Gleds. You can do whatever you please.

Happy New Year!

Love,

SB

Ms. Moon said...

I agree with SB. And I'll never forget what a teacher of mine said in nursing school before we went and did our clinicals at the local mental hospital which was that really, all mental illness is just a heightened degree of what everyone feels and goes through and she was right. All a matter of degree.
There is no one right answer and there is not even one right question. There are universes of both.
We all try to make our way through them as well as we can.

the guy in the silk taffeta dress said...

You sure get lots of assessments & analysis!
Some people pay to get analyzed by psych docs and here it's all free.
Some years ago, I was a genuine disability case. I was given state medical insurance through the tact & greed of the hospital where I was.
I no longer fit the criteria of "disabled"
I do know many who'll put their shoes on the wrong feet,tooth paste on the face to qualify. They're sane, but playing games to get the security benefits.
I'm rambling again....
Psychotherapists & amateurs are welcome to assess me, but I'm a stubborn bastard.
best regards,
j.

Gledwood said...

SB: I please to get THE HELL AWAY from Government sickness and disability payments. Then I can be as happy/miserable as I please and never have to account to anyone for how I feel. Not THAT is sick! Being forced to pick through one's own life for "symptoms" when really these factors merely describe who I am and how I cope

Ms Moon: exaggerations of the norm ~ precisely. I am really lexasperated at 1. havling "anxiety" against my name when I never Told anyone I felt anxious. Yes I DO feel anxiety: when there's something bothering me. Years ago I did have free-floating anxiety too. SO I KNOW what anxiety is and feels like and I know I DON'T HAVE IT NOW. This is smart-arse clinical psychologists thinking they know me better than I know myself or more to the point better than my family who speak to me hours every week on the phone. They had such a hoot when I said it was believed I might have a personality disorder..! Expecially on the anxious-dependent axis. That is SO not me. I was told to read through these diagnostic criteria and only flagged up on schizotypal and borderline! So fuck you Clinical Psychologisits!!

Taffeta: I don't get that much, it was only after years or irritation and exasperation that I found a psych nurse who works at the druggieclinic who was willing to do a five-hour assessment over 3 sessions. I STILL think she skewed the results to her own pet "anxiety"/anxiety avoidance theory. E.g. I say I don't bother mixing with people. That is a NEW thing and I DO NOT have social phobia (avoidant type). I just feel little to no need to mix with anyone (more schizoid than avoidant, to her way of thinking).

The psychiatrist seems to have his head far better screwed on than she does and frankly is far more rigirously trained. It's obvious talking to her that smart as she is she jumps from pet theory to pet theory. This guy looks for the crux of the matter and the TRUTH..!

People who act like those acquaintances of yours annoy me as for years I had (still have) terrible difficulty putting myself together and it goes way beyond wiping toothpaste from my mouth. I won't go into details as it will only give lots of people even more to laugh about than they already have.

I don't think being stubborn is much of a blockade to a good assessment, y'know.

I'm just pissed off by people cooing "ooh! you're self-medicating" using heroin on top of methadone. SO WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOMETING THAT ACTUALLY WORKS SO I DON'T NEED TO SELF MEDICATE.

Self-medicating means doing something NOT TO FEEL RELENTLESSLY SUICIDAL. These fucking idiots really don't have the first clue. I'd love them to live through heroin/crack/drink addiction with mental health on top and hear someone cooing that in their ear. I'd love to see how many murders took place. Because I'm really restrained. A lot of other folks aren't.

BASTARD PSYCHIATRIC PROFESSSION.

No I don't think they owe me a living or anything else. Just a little bit of compassion, appropritate treatment, as every OTHER condition is treated, and maybe a reasonable explanation of what they think might be going on.

As it is they're so "half"-arsed they barely have a quarter of a buttock to sit on

Baino said...

Are you using? Sid makes a heap of sense to me.

Mina said...

Are you watching the partial solar eclipse? I'm lucky, we have a clear sky. Looks totally great. People in the UK should be able to see too it i've heard. Have to go back out to watch it now :)

Arjan said...

sounds like you're having a real rough time at the moment.
Hope you feel better in a while in any way that you want.

Akelamalu said...

What's normal?

Normality is your own state of mind.

I know I don't want a state of mind that is dependent on drugs so I'll stick with my normal thanks. Methinks that's the sort of normal you want too, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to get clean surely?

Whatever you do I wish you well. x

Vincent said...

_o/ Hi! :-)

Just thought I say hi hehe :-)

V.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I've seen a trend on these here internets of people who seem to pontificate much too much. Hell, I've prolly done it to you too. It's easy to sit on one's lotus leaf all yoga like and tell someone what the best thing for them is.

Ms. Moon and SB are right, it is your life, you know it best. All ya can do is live it the best way you know how...


Hope 2011 brings good things.

xx *Elaine* lol

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

I've seen a trend on these here internets of people who seem to pontificate much too much. Hell, I've prolly done it to you too. It's easy to sit on one's lotus leaf all yoga like and tell someone what the best thing for them is.

Ms. Moon and SB are right, it is your life, you know it best. All ya can do is live it the best way you know how...


Hope 2011 brings good things.

xx *Elaine* lol

Syd said...

Gleds, you have the right to do what makes you feel however you want. It is none of my business. Just wanted to say that I care. I have read your blog for a while. I cannot help but wish the best for you. Who is Normal anyway. I haven't met him or her.

Gledwood said...

Baino you BUSTED me. Yes I DID start using for 2 days. Now the 2 days are over so I'm back to not using. What I didn't follow about Syd was "deciding" not to be lost... I can say I'm lost but that doesn't give me a compass or a map... y'know...!

How did you know I was using again...? Does it show that much? Heroin is the only thing that has kept me together. Seriously. The afternoon before I last used I was seriously all over the place. That was the day people thought I had DTs and someone else asked if I was on Lithium!!!

Everyone else thanks v much. See my more recent post "medicinal heroin" about 2 higher than this one.

Akelamalu: I suppose the normality I want is one that feels OK to me but is acceptable to others too. THAT is the conflict. My feeling OK and my being accepted by others are too VERY different issues..!

Syd: don't get too taken in by my ramblings. They're only the reactions of the moment, honestly


Reeny: I want a giant lotus leaf. From Ikea. On special offer..!

Vince: hi hi hi :-)

Akelamalu: no you're right I want OFF that crappy dependency and as I said before I don't care how shitty it feels. It doesn't feel that bad anyhow. What gets me a little is hat other people in NA don't seem to fall apart in quite the same way. They talk about insanity but their insanity is ON drugs I get insanity OFF drugs... akh, it's not worth bothering about too much I know. It only bothers me when I consider it, y'know then I feel inferior and annoyed

Arjan: yep everythings's shit. I went back on heroin for 2 days. Now I'm off it again. I'm pissed off with everything...

Mina: PARIAL SOLAR ECLIPSE...?? NEVER EVEN HEARD OF IT! There was a lunar eclipse a while ago but it was icy outside and I really didn't want to venture out. I've seen 2 eclipses of the moon, they were more specttacular than the sun in their own way!
Have you any idea what percentage eclipse that solar one would have been in London and what percentage by you? The last major one was 96% here and it went NOCICABLY dark. It went 100% eclipse in Cornwall... all manner of raves and parties, but I really couldn't be bothered even though I was into raving at the time I always found "compulsory" happenings like that VERY stressful... always preferred going with the flow and partying long with my own biorhythms rather than those of a calendar of the cosmos!

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

I understand that, can't just decide. I couldn't until I was driven so far by the circumstances of life that I was miserable and scared enough to want death, scared enough of death to be willing to take the other choice.

I don’t have to use. Bullshit! They just don't understand.

You may not be like me... alone in a room at night, sleep evades; can't stop the sounds of … I can't explain to someone who doesn't understand the unnerving din making me believe I really am insane.

Using was necessary! Waking up to briefer and briefer times of having energy to try , wearing thin… need sleep, eat, money, move, SOMETHING! Din grows so loud I just can't make it stop. Nothing drowns it out except … the drugs don’t make me successful, happy, with good relationships, jobs, landlords, friendships, finances but it’s the only thing that works, I get that I’m not gonna live a long happy life but I have to be alive so I gotta numb out to get through.

Time shorter/problems closing in faster.

What if this IS as good as life gets? The AA member asked that. Deep down I thought, "I don't know how much more I can take." Honestly “if I have to live like this with you people and this is as good as it gets, I don’t know how much more I can take.”
The outlook IS grim.

I made my brilliant debate to the guy who asked that question, I didn't need whatever he was selling. Deep down I wished, as much as I was working to convince him, that I could convince myself. Alone with the question of using or not, I didn’t see another way. In that moment after that, I realized that guy who told me his experience wasn't really convinced by my act. There is a solution, he said, you have to want it more than you want your life.

The last friend I had who reasoned like you is in the hospital in a permanent coma from the last using experience she had. She got to that point of no return and chose the hit and prescription meds she had. I'd been there, woke up 3 days later, again with a gun-couldn't pull the trigger, and again with blades, 4 bottles of port and prescription drugs I was using to convince myself. That night the power "the solution" became real, the power showed up. I didn't die and an introduction to the person who knew what to do next was made.

My friend is between life and death now. No choices of life/death, using/not using, she’s in the space between. She didn’t want her life anymore and chose wrong.

Nurses roll her over, change her soiled sheets. Hole punched in her throat for permanent breathing/feeding tubes. I visited her. I saw the awareness, the terrified locked-in look in her eyes... she knows. She had a choice, she chose, "You people just don't get me, don't understand, couldn't possibly know the depths and heights of the uniqueness of my problems."

Remember in that moment, when you get there, someone said “the power came when I cried out desperately to an entity I didn't believe existed” I was curled up hopeless and alone, and prayed to God,

" I DON'T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE IN YOU, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ANYTHING GOOD OR DECENT LEFT IN THE WORLD, AND I CAN'T TAKE THIS ONE MORE DAY... I'M SCARED SHITLESS AND I NEED A FREAKING SIGN A MIRACLE SOMETHING…HELP ME PLEASE!”

Something happened that night and in the next moments of awareness I realized that the guy who shared was telling the truth. I took the next opportunity to ask him “now what?”

In that moment of desperation, right there when you’re given the choice you’ll remember someone said it would happen, when this experience becomes real there will be no turning back. Book mark my blog, I know the answer to “what next” Or I may be just another asshole along the road.

I WANT OFF METHADONE AS QUICK AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE!

METHADONE ~ A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH







Heroin Shortage: News

If you are looking for the British Heroin Drought post, click here; the latest word is in the comments.







Christiane F

"Wir, Kinder vom Bahnhoff Zoo" by "Christiane F", memoir of a teenage heroin addict and prostitute, was a massive bestseller in Europe and is now a set text in German schools. Bahnhoff Zoo was, until recently, Berlin's central railway station. A kind of equivalent (in more ways than one) to London's King's Cross... Of course my local library doesn't have it. So I'm going to have to order it through a bookshop and plough through the text in German. I asked my druggieworker Maple Syrup, who is Italiana how she learned English and she said reading books is the best way. CHRISTIANE F: TRAILER You can watch the entire 120-min movie in 12 parts at my Random blog. Every section EXCEPT part one is subtitled in English (sorry: but if you skip past you still get the gist) ~ to watch it all click HERE.

To See Gledwood's Entire Blog...

DID you find my blog via a Google or other search? Are you stuck on a post dated some time ago? Do you want to read Gledwood Volume 2 right from "the top" ~ ie from today?
If so click here and you'll get to the most recent post immediately!

Drugs Videos

Most of these come from my Random blog, which is an electronic scrapbook of stuff I thought I might like to view at some time or other. For those who want to view stuff on drugs I've collected the very best links here. Unless otherwise stated these are full-length features, usually an hour or more.

If you have a slow connexion and are unused to viewing multiscreen films on Youtube here's what to do: click the first one and play on mute, stopping and starting as it does. Then, when it's done, click on Repeat Play and you get the full entertainment without interruption. While you watch screen one, do the same to screens 2, 3 and so on. So as each bit finishes, the next part's ready and waiting.

Mexican Black Tar Heroin: "Dark End"

Khun Sa, whose name meant Prince Prosperous, had been, before his death in the mid 2000s, the world's biggest dealer in China White Heroin: "Lord of the Golden Triangle"

In-depth portrait of the Afghan heroin trade at its very height. Includes heroin-lab bust. "Afghanistan's Fateful Harvest"

Classic miniseries whose title became a catchphrase for the misery of life in East Asian prison. Nicole Kidman plays a privileged middle-class girl set up to mule heroin through Thai customs with the inevitable consequences. This is so long it had to be posted in two parts. "Bangkok Hilton 1" (first 2 hours or so); "Bangkok Hilton 2" (last couple of hours).

Short film: from tapwater-clear H4 in the USA to murky black Afghan brown in Norway: "Heroin Addicts Speak"

Before his untimely death this guy kept a video diary. Here's the hour-long highlights as broadcast on BBC TV: "Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict". Thanks to Noah for the original link.

Some of the most entertaining scenes from Britain's top soap (as much for the poor research as anything else). Not even Phil Mitchell would go from nought to multi-hundred pound binges this fast: "Phil Mitchell on Crack" (just over 5 minutes).

Scientist lady shows us how to cook up gear: "How Much Citric?" Lucky cow: her brown is 70% purity! Oddly we never see her actually do her hit... maybe she got camera shy...

And lastly:

German documentary following a life from teenage addiction to untimely death before the age of 30. The decline in this girl's appearance is truly shocking. "Süchtig: Protokoll einer Hilflosigkeit". Sorry no subtitles; this is here for anyone learning German who's after practice material a little more gripping than Lindenstraße!































Nosey Quiz! Have you ever heard voices when you weren't high on drugs?

Manic Magic

Manic Magic

Gledwood Volume 2: A Heroin Addict's Blog

Copyright 2011 by Gledwood